Mother's Day

I'm not a mother. I can only hope that I will, some day (sooner than later) have the chance to become a mother. I have the most amazing role model- my mother is my hero. I know it's cheesy... but I couldn't say it any other way if I wanted to.

I have two women in my heart on Mother's Day. The first, and most important, is obviously my Mother. She has been the rock, the foundation, the center-piece of my life. She loved me before she knew me- before she knew I even existed.

Not flesh of my flesh
Nor bone of my bone,
But still miraculously my own.
Never forget for a single minute,
You didn't grow under my heart,
But in it.

I grew in her heart- and without her I wouldn't be the woman that I am today. I celebrate her today. I thank her for everything she has taught me. I love her for everything she is, and everything that she has helped me to be. She's given me opportunities that others can only dream of. I've had an amazing childhood full of amazing vacations, experiences, love, family- my list is endless. 
She has held my hand through scary moments, heartbreaks, hard lessons, and always been supportive. She may not always agree with the decisions that I've made, but she respects that they were my choices. She is there when these decisions fall apart, and she continues to help me pick up the pieces, learn from my mistakes, and helps me brush it off and keep moving.

The other person in my heart today is the person that made everything possible. She kept us healthy for 9 months. Her selfless decision 31 years ago allows me to be loved every day by the most amazing family. I think of her today- I respect her and thank her for choosing to give me a chance at the amazing life that I've had, one that may not have been possible. She is a mother by nature and biology but ultimately, she is the reason that I have the most amazing mother.

I found this- and it really really makes sense:

LEGACY OF AN ADOPTED CHILD

Once there were two women who never knew each other
One you do not remember, the other you call Mother

Two different lives shaped to make you one
One became your guiding star, the other became your sun

The first one gave you life, and the second taught you to live it
The first gave you a need for love, the second was there to give it

One gave you a nationality, the other gave you a name
One gave you a talent, the other gave you aim

One gave you emotions, the other calmed your fears
One saw your first sweet smile, the other dried you tears

One made an adoption plan, that was all that she could do
The other prayed for a child, and God led her straight to you.

Now, which of these two women, Are you the product of?
Both, my darling, Both, Just two different types of love.
---- Unknown

just a thought or two...

A career is wonderful, but you can't curl up with it on a cold night. -Marilyn Monroe


A new favorite song (of course, it's Pink)

"Heartbreak Down"

I like to think that I'm a pretty good kisser
I like to think I maybe broke a few hearts
But since I met you I'm a victim of disaster
I like to think I got it down to an art

So here's where the problem starts
You're shitting on my heart
Oh, I can't take it again and again and again

All I wanted from you
Was a night, maybe two
You beat me at my own game
Now It's not okay
I'm the one that's missing out
All I needed to do
Was get just a taste of you
And now I'm sick all in my head
You poisoned me instead
Trust me, trust me, I think I got heartbreak down

I like to wake and go to bed around whenever
I like to maybe come and go when I choose
But now I'm waiting for a text, call, whatever
What's gotten into me, besides you
You're like a rush, you're like a drug, it's just the sight of you
I like to think that I could kick you but it's what you do
You knew we could be
What's the lord think of me
For being so fucking weak I find it hard for me to breathe

So here's where my story ends
I've got to make amends
I let me down
Again and again and again and again

All I wanted from you
Was a night, maybe two
You beat me at my own game
Now It's not okay
I'm the one that's missing out
All I needed to do
Was get just a taste of you
And now I'm sick all in my head
You poisoned me instead
Trust me, trust me, I think I got heartbreak down

Here's what we have to do
Stay together, keep it true
Can't be strong, too late for cool
I won't live without you
You are not rid of me

All I wanted from you
Was a night, maybe two
You beat me at my own game
Now It's not okay
I'm the one that's missing out
All I needed to do
Was get just a taste of you
And now I'm sick all in my head
You poisoned me instead
Trust me, trust me, I think I got heartbreak down

and another one... Sara Bareilles... Gravity

"Gravity"

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.

[CHORUS:]
Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.

[CHORUS]

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need here on the ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down
You're on to me, on to me, and all over...
Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.

Days Off.... or Off Days?

You know, until recently, I've really loved my days off. Not that I'm saying I don't need a break here or there, but- man, the time creeps on and I'm finding myself bored as hell! I don't have the patience to get out stuff for crafting- though I should... so instead, I shop.
I shop and I get my hair done (twice in just over a month... I'm lucky I didn't come home bald today)
I shop and I nap.
I shop... and that's all.
Mind you, I don't have an unlimited income to be doing all this shopping. I've been stopping at every Goodwill I pass by- and have noticed, by the way, that the pavement at Goodwill... is terrible. There are always potholes and loose gravel- the stores are always packed... maybe use some of that money for new parking lots to bring more people into the stores... just saying.
I have days off when my friends work... so I don't get much socializing with people. I understand this makes me sound like a psychopath... I'm not an animal whisperer... not to be confused with slightly crazy having conversations with pets. (they half-way listen and don't respond, its kind of nice)
On my off days I need to be more productive- and I always wake up with a to-do list... which seemingly gets pushed to the imaginary back-est of the back burners... then by midnight, I'm amped up and ready to start checking things off- realize I have an early day the next day and regret my unproductive day. It's becoming a weekly re-occurrence.
Luckily I have some time tomorrow to be the change that I need to see- laundry will be done, dishes will be done, litterbox will be done--- and that's probably it. Don't want to be an over achiever.
On the weight front- I'm down 44. My next goal is 11 lbs away. I need to stop shopping so much so that I can afford my reward... my first REAL Coach purse. It sounds stupid... but I've got a fake one, I've got a tiny zipper wallet- I want to buy this for myself because it's something that I've wanted for a while. I'm working hard, and I deserve it.

I'm a lucky girl. I've got amazing friends, a super amazing family... just missing one piece and hoping to find him soon.

Word.

p.s.

I really have to stress on the idiot that I feel that this makes me--- but I love that I have more responsibility so that I can take work home. I love that I have meetings to discuss other peoples' continued success or ability to improve, for the betterment of the team. I love that my opinions are valued. I love that people are taking me seriously. I love my bosses. I love the animals. I love everything about my job. I really, honestly don't think I can stress it enough.

Hard Work.... it really pays off

Ok... so I woke up today, realized it was SuperBowl Sunday in Indianapolis... and cringed. I don't have anywhere to go, but I have so much to do at home that I can't really afford to do anything anyway- so I'm putting this on my "lessons I need to learn" list- I can function, completely normally, on my own. This would usually be a day I'd be super blue about not having someone in my life... so I'm taking this lesson on the fast track. I will not allow myself to be sad. I will not allow myself to overthink it. Today is just another Sunday... with football and good commercials!
So, since I've been giving everyone (all 8 of my followers) the silent treatment (which is a lie, since I'm very vocal on facebook) I need to throw an update out there- and what an update it is.

My last post on Nov. 18, I was a very, very sad and misguided person. I was upset about a bad job offer, and I was jealous at friends for being happy- so, I'm throwing all that out the window (kinda)
A great man-friend of mine told me about the place that his girlfriend works. They were hiring, he set me up with her contact offer. I interviewed, I had a working interview, and I accepted a job offer in December. My life has done a 180. I'm now working at a vet hospital in Carmel. I was hired in as a Client Services Coordinator (receptionist with a lot of responsibility) and started on December 27. I did take a pay cut, but I can confidently say that I've never been happier- so mom and dad are helping stay on my feet me a little while longer, thank God for them-
I was promoted on January 23 to Team Leader and February 2, I attended training to be a trainer. I now have 2 other CSCs under me, and while I'm still learning everything, I'm trying very hard to be a strong leader in the hospital.
I have gotten praise, recognition, and some of the best guidance- that I have ever received in a job. I've never felt so confident at the end of the day- that I worked hard and did my best. Clearly, others did not loose faith in me, as I had lost it in myself months ago... it was an amazing lesson to learn.
I am now working, on average, 13 hour days. I get up at 5:30 (most mornings)- which if you know me- you know this, alone, is like a little person hiking to the top of Mt. Everest. I'm a 10 am wake-up call during the week; noon on weekends kind of girl... not anymore. Granted, I practically streamline caffeine during my first couple hours of consciousness- but I no longer look like a zombie. I'm on my feet for most of my shift, I'm up and moving around, unable to sit on my larger-than-life ass and snack all day- and I've lost 10 lbs since I started my job. I am now down 40 since I started this lifestyle change in July. I will be participating in my first Mini--- next spring. I'm not up for running distances just yet- but I love that I have a goal.
I have also stopped being a sourpuss every.single.day about being single. I've stopped because I'm hopeful that with this major change in my life, will come another one. I'm confident that because I'm not living in a 3-ft cubicle every day, maybe I'll meet Mr. Right (or Mr. Right Now). Not only am I getting to work at 7 am... I'm getting to work at 7 am with hair and makeup done. This is attributed to the fact that I am no longer stressing out about what outfit makes me look the least fat... because (wait for it).................................. I get to wear scrubs! It's so much better than jeans day on Fridays.
I love the people that I work with, for the most part, everyone has smiles on their faces- every day. It's such a big change from anything I've experienced before.

I have not spoken to the idiot since... I don't even remember. It's been months. The whole "I'm 32 with an 18-year old girlfriend" really made me want to projectile vomit. I heard he'd defaulted on his loan with my dad... so of course, I Google-mapped the route and offered to drive my dad 12 hours to see him (with a baseball bat) but he said no, again. (silence the violence, right?) I made it through Christmas without going through mass-amounts of Kleenex. I spent New Years at my best-friends house with her family, getting ready for a very special First Birthday party. I just have to get through this month's raunchy mid-month, pink-and-red, flaming-red-hot, gag-me-with-a-toothpick holiday... and I'll be good to go for a while.



Speaking of the holiday of love... it was once my anniversary- so to commemorate- I'm actually thinking of taking my ring and building it into something... with my tax check.
I like the idea of the pear shaped ring... simply because Peridot is my birthstone. Peridot is supposed to be the healing stone. Lord knows I need healing after dealing with everything that went on. Also, I know it's super sappy... but the pear-shape kinda looks like a tear drop to me. I did plenty of crying- so that seems perfect. Healing after the tears-

I don't know what I'll come up with, but I know I'm ready to start coming up with some solid ideas, so that I can present them to the jewelry designer.


Ok, so I guess that's all there is to say.

Until next time :)

obnoxious

I'm feeling another painful breakdown coming on. Why does the bottom always seem to drop out at the most unfortunate times?
A really, really good friend tells me she's engaged- well, my bottom had dropped out already, so while I was super happy for her- I couldn't show it. Friendship ruined.
A really, really good friend tells me she's going on a third date with someone who is really good for her- I'm green with envy cause all the dirt bags I come in contact with just want one thing- and the one good guy I'd been looking forward to going out with just told me he got back with his ex. Weekend ruined.
I have an interview- first one for a few weeks. They tell me my salary requirements are unrealistic. They tell me that because my resume is padded with customer service, that's probably all I'll get- even though my skills assessment shows that I am capable of much, much more. They give me info about a position, pays 50% less than what I wanted. I'm down, but not out- till I tell my dad. He's so disappointed I can feel it 2 hours away. Now I'm down and out.
I just don't know what I can do to push though it. People tell me how lucky I am, how great of a person I am... all the bullshit you're supposed to tell your friend when they're having a bad day, right? I'm so used to hearing it, I don't even believe it any more. (keep it coming anyway- cause while I don't believe it, I do like hearing it)
What could I have possibly done to prevent this shitstorm?
And why do I feel like I'm standing on the corner, with a broken umbrella, watching life happen right in front of me... but too scared to reach out and take it.
I'm so mad at myself- I don't even know how to recover from this.

anxiety

after several months of being content with life, giving up on finding love at this point in my life, and trying to move on in the best way i know, i felt true, honest, painful anxiety today... he wants to come visit when he moves back to town. moves back to town. 4 1/2 years of seeing him almost every day, and now after 14 months, i don't care a bit to see him. yet, i'm struggling to tell him the truth.
communication is key when it comes to making a relationship work. these are things i could never say, but wished for 4 1/2 years that i could.
1: i don't like it when you talk to other women behind my back because it makes me feel threatened.
2: yes. i am the jealous type. deal with it.
3: no, i will not loan you $20
4: repeat #3 about 700 times
5: gas is too expensive to go out and just drive for hours. get a job, buy your own gas. till then, park the car, turn it off and get your ass inside.
6: why are you hurting your mother so much
7: why are you hurting me so much
8: why do you hate my family
9: please stop borrowing my debit card without asking unless you plan to replace every dime you took
10: get a job

now, this may look like i was quite the pushover... i was. we do stupid, stupid things when we think we're in love. did i love him. yes. should i have fallen for him. no. do i hate him. no- and i can't figure out why i can't say yes to that question. after all he did, i should hate him. i should curse his name. i don't wish him dead. i don't wish anything bad upon him. i'm not in love with him. i'm not in love with him. i'm not in love with him. i'm not in love with him. i'm not.

why is it so easy to be honest to everyone but yourself... i tell everyone how scared i am. this is true.
i told him (months ago) that i wouldn't mind seeing him... when the thought of him coming to indiana was merely a thought, a dream, a glimpse into what he wants to do... there were so many thoughts over the years, that until i see something happen, i don't believe it to be true- so yes, when i said i'd think about having lunch with him- it was me talking, because i didn't think it would happen. he is coming in 48 hours and i feel like i'm going to be physically ill. i want to board the cats, lock the place up, close all my windows and hide like a coward.
why can't i be brave? why can't i put up a good fight. why must i always bend to him- when he did nothing to bend for me.

why is this so difficult.