Adoption

Tonight, I watched my recorded episode of Private Practice. It affected me in a great way.
Addison is talking with her mentor, Vivian. Vivian disclosed that she had a daughter when she was just 15, she was not allowed to hold her- and thought of her every day. She was forced to give the baby up for adoption. Vivian is dying of cancer, does not have time to find the child she selflessly gave up for adoption, and wants Addison to help her write a letter to her daughter- it was the most touching and beautiful scenes I've ever seen on TV. Cyndi Lauper's song "Time After Time" is being covered by a different artist and is playing in the background:
"To My Beloved Daughter,
In my mind, I call you Maxine, but the truth is, even though I gave birth to you, I do not know the name you answer to all of your life. I've spent hours listening for the sound of your voice, but I would not be able to pick you out of a crowd. I do not wish to burden you with the details of my pregnancy or the sadness I felt in loosing my right to parent you. I hope and pray that you never felt abandoned by me but I want you to know there was not one moment of one day or night that I did not think of you and feel love for you. Though I did not raise you in my heart, I was always there for you. You did not have one mother. You had two.
All of my love, Your other mother"
You see- as a child that was lovingly given up for adoption, I have two mothers, too. I have one that wished for me for years, and loved me before she even knew me. I have one that loved me so much, that she made such a selfless decision to give me a better life than she could have given to me. I've never been able to say thank you. I hope some day, I can say it, to both of them, at the same time. The love that I feel on a daily basis, is indescribable.

Prayers

On Christmas Eve 2011, my mom, dad and I were walking into Midnight Mass. My dad tripped on the steps and I caught him. He'd been having some balance issues, but I made him promise that the first of the year, he'd get to his doctor to find out why he's having balance issues. In March, he called and made his appointment- and in May, my dad went to his doctor. Since then, there have been a series of CT scans, MRIs, ECGs, and blood work. My dad's been poked, prodded, and seen so many times, you'd think he was the subject of a medical study.
Balance issues have continued. Flash forward to two months ago... my daddy was working out 3 times a week. I was so proud of him that I even found a trainer. We've never been a "go-to-the-gym" kind of family. We like junk food, eating out, dessert, and naps. Diabetes reared its ugly head and we thought his balance was because of that- so he's been on a mission to control his blood sugar. He's lost weight, he's changed his diet, and he's started using the insulin pen.
Still no improvement. Balance issues have continued and progressed to the point that he cannot stand for long periods of time and looses his balance easily. His doctor gave him a suggestion- which would be a major blow to anyone- but to my dad- a man with the strongest pride, determination, and work ethic I've ever seen- being told that he should start to use a cane (at 64) was mind blowing.
Two weeks ago- he started using a cane.
Our family vacation has been planned for almost a year. First family vacation that I've taken with my parents as an adult. We figured out that we hadn't all flown together since our trip to Disney in 1992. My parents have discovered the beautiful, peaceful, and amazing land of Cabo San Lucas Mexico. They've vacationed down here several times- my dad has been in fishing tournaments. I finally managed to get an invitation.
Last Sunday, when we arrived at the airport in Indy, I saw my father swallow his pride, as he sat down into a wheelchair. It has been a necessity for our whole trip. Navigating through the airport, getting to our condo, going back and forth from the lobby to our room, and going to dinner- none of it would have been possible had we not had a wheelchair to borrow from the front desk.
As the vacation comes to an end, I've lost count of the number of times my dad has asked me if I'm having a good time and apologized to me for his immobility. It breaks my heart to see him struggle- but I've never been more proud of him. For 32 years he's helped me grow up into the woman that I am today. It's an honor to be able to put my arm into his and help him walk. I'd go through hell and back for my dad- I just hope we don't have to. Tuesday, my dad has an appointment with a spine surgeon. He's got an MRI of his spine scheduled. We've spent a lot of time worrying- but we spent more time together, as a family, having a great time. I will cherish these memories forever. I told my dad whatever he finds out- we'll get through it, together. I've got his back, always.
As we return to the states- I ask for good thoughts, prayers, and if anyone has a miracle laying around- I'll take it. My dad was supposed to give my mom dancing lessons for Christmas. He'd do anything to make good on that. I'm not ready to give up on him because he's never given up on me. We'll fight through anything together.


I love you, Dad.

1 year

So, it was my intention to post on my 1 year anniversary. Of course, life happened and I got busy, but nonetheless, I've made LOTS of progress in 365 grueling days!
I started (and stopped) therapy. I went for all the right reasons, and quit for the right reasons as well. I will never claim to be healed or perfect, but I was going to a couples counselor... the therapist was amazing- really knew what he was talking about- but the more and more I overcame both in private sessions and in group therapy, I realized that I was not in the right place. These women were going through divorces or were looking for help in their marriage. I was a single girl upset that my ex went crazy and broke my spirit... while it was necessary at the time, once I realized that I was feeling much better about my life- I began to look elsewhere for support. It came in the form of beautiful, smiling faces of girlfriends that had been in my life all along- supported me through ups and downs, and didn't charge $150/sitting.
Little by little, I started coming back out of the protective shell I'd created after 5 years of insanity. I was laughing- I was happy- I was slowly becoming myself again... (I missed me- I'm pretty amazing)
I have accepted the fact that the demise of my shitty relationship may have caused the demise of some friendships, but the friends that matter have stuck by my side through everything. I'm slowly realizing that negativity is contagious and cutting this from my life.
I have had good days, I have had lots of bad days, but I always wake up the next morning and think, "well, that sucked, but life isn't over, so lets give that another shot"
I enjoy my alone time, but I crave the company of someone I haven't yet found. I miss a lot of things about being in a relationship- but knowing that I'm ready to find that again gives me hope that someday, I'll find him. (sooner than later, I hope)
I have overcome a lot of intense inner-struggles. I hated myself when I looked in the mirror a year ago. I decided to do something about it. I've tried to take the reigns on weight-loss before, but have always failed. I lack consistency and follow-through. Thankfully with the help of a personal trainer which I met with once- I was able to turn the page to a much more fulfilling life.
I don't like what I see in the mirror right now, but I far from hate it. I pick myself apart- but I'm much happier with what I'm becoming. I am noticing changes- my arms are getting massively saggy (I may be able to fly if I move them fast enough) but I see muscle under the sag- and it makes me push through the disappointment of having the sag to begin with.
My most self-conscious area- the bulge below my stomach- has gotten significantly smaller- though still present- I don't see that first when I look at myself in the mirror like I used to.
I'm disappointed to admit- but my boobs- have begun to shrink. I expected that if they were going to do it- they would have done it by now.. but its only been recently that I have noticed the gaping in my favorite bra.
All of these things can be fixed (with a personal finance loan and a surgeons knife) but I know and accept that if I hadn't have worked on what I am inside- I never would have ever liked what I became on the outside.
I went shopping not too long ago- and shocked myself! I have gone down 3 sizes! I knew that all my clothes were getting big- but it wasn't until I looked at and tried on dresses, that I realized the progress I've made. I've gotten a lot of clothes recently, from Old Navy- all on sale- because why buy a lot of clothes that (hopefully) won't fit in a few months...
It was so nice to see the hard work pay off when I don't have to get frustrated cause I can't get the jeans up over my thighs or my ass.
I went through my closet and shocked myself at the number of clothes that I will have to pack away (getting rid of them would be bad karma and I don't feel like jinxing myself). It felt good.
I have my first 2 rewards... First one came fast- a new pair of work-out shoes. Second one came very slow- but I am now the proud owner of a new Coach Purse! My first - EVER!
I have my new motivation- a pair of John Fluevog shoes... -22 to go until I get those... and my Mexico vacation has been planned- I will be rewarding myself a bit early for that one- according to SparkPeople.com- this goal is outrageous and unattainable- so I'll just make myself a promise- that it's an early gift... and continue to work hard until I reach that goal.
Next- after all of this work- I will begin to save for the surgery to complete my transformation.... I can't believe how much is possible with baby steps, a great support system, and well-deserved personal rewards.

angry and ashamed

I make plenty of mistakes and I own them all. I'm not perfect and I don't try to be. I'm relatively happy. I can slap a smile on my face and fake-it-till-I-make-it any day of the week. I love my job. I cry (a lot). I love to laugh and I love hugs.
I'm single. I'm sad. I'm ready to move the f*ck on with my life. I'm lost. What is so wrong with me that no one is interested in me?
I've healed. I've had my weak moments. I've dated idiot after idiot. I've learned what I don't want in my life. I've learned what I won't put up with. I've accepted that the qualities that I'm looking for aren't found in every man.
Why does the biggest idiot in the world, who made my life HELL.... get to move on and be happy? I'm sure it looks nice on the outside, and I'm sure she's insecure, weak, vulnerable, lacking self confidence, and willing to put up with bullshit because she doesn't know any better (man- I've come a long way to be able to say that I was all these things from 2006-2010)
I had a feeling a while ago... the feeling that has proven me right MANY times without prior knowledge- I've predicted pregnancies and exes with new relationships.... in my gut, I feel that he is engaged to the 18 year-old idiot. When he was in crisis last year, he told me things about this woman- the lies, the anger and the drama that she unleashed on him within 4 days of knowing each other.
He professed his love to me again, begged to be back in my life. When I denied all these things, he grew upset and decided that he couldn't have me in his life if I wouldn't commit myself back to him.
I would never, ever choose to be with someone who made me feel the way that he did. Were there happy times, yes. Did those happy times outweigh the misery and abuse- absolutely not.

I still panic when I see a shit-brown pick-up truck or an Arkansas license plate. I know that he's got ties to Indiana. I wish that his business with my father was done and that he no longer had ties to Indiana. I wish I knew in my heart AND in my gut that I would never see him again, but the truth is, he knows where I live. He knows where my family lives. He could come here any time he wanted to. Thank God he doesn't know where I work. Looks like I'll be back to sleepless nights while I get this asshole out of my head again. 

I want to force him out of my mind and heart forever. I want to find someone, be happy, and never worry about the years of turmoil that have wreaked havoc on my life after this ridiculous break-up.
I wish the relationship never happened.
I wonder where my life would be if I never would have met him, or if I had the self-esteem that I was lacking when I craved his attention and craved to have someone love me.

It's annoying, embarrassing, and I'm ashamed to admit these things... but admitting my shortcomings has helped me heal and move on up until this point- might as well keep going on this path and hope that the cycle ends, so that I can continue to heal, grow, and move forward.

Pathatically Hopeful

I wrote this sometime in between the last post in Feb. and the post in May... dunno why I didn't finish or publish it.
So, with the past few months have come massive internal, personal growth. I have grown to be a much more independent thinker, though I still struggle occasionally with confidence and assertiveness. I have learned the importance of speaking my mind, keeping it respectful, and above all, I've learned to appreciate the "now" and try not to worry about tomorrow.
I have gotten the opportunity to meet and get to know some amazing people, both in my personal and professional life.
There are no stories to be told of love at this point, but I'm hopeful that this will change sooner than later.
The parental units are still their unconditionally-supportive, financially-responsible, and amazing selves.

Failure is a success, if we learn from it

I can't believe it's been almost a year. Almost a year since I started on my journey of growth and change. I look back, and I see the struggle and I'm proud of the success I've made.
I year ago, I was disappointed with myself, with my life, with everything. I was miserable, lonely, depressed. I was eating out of boredom, consuming my emotions with every bite, rather than looking in the mirror and deciding to do something about it.
July 22, I decided to do something about it.
I met with a therapist. I met with a personal trainer.
I started to care again. I started to fix myself.
320 days later... I'm happy. Granted, I have my days when it's hard to get out of bed, face the sun, accept that I'm single and coming up on my 32nd birthday... (bitter hostility and sarcasm are implied)
However, I'm not alone. I'm surrounded by the best friends. Granted, I lost a few along the way, but I've accepted that if they were true friends, the bullshit that I had going on would have faded and our friendship would be strong... unfortunately, the bullshit faded along with our friendship, and rather than keep the dead weight, I cut the ties.
I've picked up some new friends, which happen to be co-workers/team mates... I smile a lot most days.
I laugh. I cherish hugs, I always will. I still worry way too much for my own good, but I worry about real stuff, not stuff I can't change. I have accepted that goodbyes are part of life.
My mother sold my wedding dress, I guess I should say, she is in the process of selling it... the first weekend it was at the consignment shop, a young bride tried it on and loved it far more than I ever did. I should have known then- I settled on the man, I settled on the dress. Never again.
I'm a part of something phenomenal- still in the early stages, but it's sure to change lives, change communities, and change the way I see the world, and I can't wait. (Sparrow Clubs Indiana)
I love my family. I'm still not completely on my own two feet, but I'm getting there. I haven't spoken to the dried up sponge for almost 9 months... give or take. I wish he would come into some money and pay off the remainder of the loan with my father. (I still struggle with what business to put my nose, and with what business should I remove it)
I set up a reward system for my weight loss... bribery works for children, it works for horses, it works for me, too.
I rewarded myself with a new pair of gym shoes when I lost my first 10%
I re-calculated... when I loose the next 10%, there's another reward. So on and so forth... 
I'm 4 lbs from my second reward. I have a knock-off Coach purse, but I want the real thing. In 4 lbs, its mine.
Hopefully, I will also soon be the owner of a pair of John Fluevog shoes, because my fourth reward is a vacation to Cabo- and that is booked... so, I need to get the ball rolling again.  I have 45 to loose before I leave for Cabo on November 12. 22 weeks... not much time for screwing up or getting on/off the bandwagon.  I've got to loose 2 lbs/week.
Better hop back on my treadmill! :)

Mother's Day

I'm not a mother. I can only hope that I will, some day (sooner than later) have the chance to become a mother. I have the most amazing role model- my mother is my hero. I know it's cheesy... but I couldn't say it any other way if I wanted to.

I have two women in my heart on Mother's Day. The first, and most important, is obviously my Mother. She has been the rock, the foundation, the center-piece of my life. She loved me before she knew me- before she knew I even existed.

Not flesh of my flesh
Nor bone of my bone,
But still miraculously my own.
Never forget for a single minute,
You didn't grow under my heart,
But in it.

I grew in her heart- and without her I wouldn't be the woman that I am today. I celebrate her today. I thank her for everything she has taught me. I love her for everything she is, and everything that she has helped me to be. She's given me opportunities that others can only dream of. I've had an amazing childhood full of amazing vacations, experiences, love, family- my list is endless. 
She has held my hand through scary moments, heartbreaks, hard lessons, and always been supportive. She may not always agree with the decisions that I've made, but she respects that they were my choices. She is there when these decisions fall apart, and she continues to help me pick up the pieces, learn from my mistakes, and helps me brush it off and keep moving.

The other person in my heart today is the person that made everything possible. She kept us healthy for 9 months. Her selfless decision 31 years ago allows me to be loved every day by the most amazing family. I think of her today- I respect her and thank her for choosing to give me a chance at the amazing life that I've had, one that may not have been possible. She is a mother by nature and biology but ultimately, she is the reason that I have the most amazing mother.

I found this- and it really really makes sense:

LEGACY OF AN ADOPTED CHILD

Once there were two women who never knew each other
One you do not remember, the other you call Mother

Two different lives shaped to make you one
One became your guiding star, the other became your sun

The first one gave you life, and the second taught you to live it
The first gave you a need for love, the second was there to give it

One gave you a nationality, the other gave you a name
One gave you a talent, the other gave you aim

One gave you emotions, the other calmed your fears
One saw your first sweet smile, the other dried you tears

One made an adoption plan, that was all that she could do
The other prayed for a child, and God led her straight to you.

Now, which of these two women, Are you the product of?
Both, my darling, Both, Just two different types of love.
---- Unknown