I make plenty of mistakes and I own them all. I'm not perfect and I don't try to be. I'm relatively happy. I can slap a smile on my face and fake-it-till-I-make-it any day of the week. I love my job. I cry (a lot). I love to laugh and I love hugs.
I'm single. I'm sad. I'm ready to move the f*ck on with my life. I'm lost. What is so wrong with me that no one is interested in me?
I've healed. I've had my weak moments. I've dated idiot after idiot. I've learned what I don't want in my life. I've learned what I won't put up with. I've accepted that the qualities that I'm looking for aren't found in every man.
Why does the biggest idiot in the world, who made my life HELL.... get to move on and be happy? I'm sure it looks nice on the outside, and I'm sure she's insecure, weak, vulnerable, lacking self confidence, and willing to put up with bullshit because she doesn't know any better (man- I've come a long way to be able to say that I was all these things from 2006-2010)
I had a feeling a while ago... the feeling that has proven me right MANY times without prior knowledge- I've predicted pregnancies and exes with new relationships.... in my gut, I feel that he is engaged to the 18 year-old idiot. When he was in crisis last year, he told me things about this woman- the lies, the anger and the drama that she unleashed on him within 4 days of knowing each other.
He professed his love to me again, begged to be back in my life. When I denied all these things, he grew upset and decided that he couldn't have me in his life if I wouldn't commit myself back to him.
I would never, ever choose to be with someone who made me feel the way that he did. Were there happy times, yes. Did those happy times outweigh the misery and abuse- absolutely not.
I still panic when I see a shit-brown pick-up truck or an Arkansas license plate. I know that he's got ties to Indiana. I wish that his business with my father was done and that he no longer had ties to Indiana. I wish I knew in my heart AND in my gut that I would never see him again, but the truth is, he knows where I live. He knows where my family lives. He could come here any time he wanted to. Thank God he doesn't know where I work. Looks like I'll be back to sleepless nights while I get this asshole out of my head again.
I want to force him out of my mind and heart forever. I want to find someone, be happy, and never worry about the years of turmoil that have wreaked havoc on my life after this ridiculous break-up.
I wish the relationship never happened.
I wonder where my life would be if I never would have met him, or if I had the self-esteem that I was lacking when I craved his attention and craved to have someone love me.
It's annoying, embarrassing, and I'm ashamed to admit these things... but admitting my shortcomings has helped me heal and move on up until this point- might as well keep going on this path and hope that the cycle ends, so that I can continue to heal, grow, and move forward.
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Pathatically Hopeful
I wrote this sometime in between the last post in Feb. and the post in May... dunno why I didn't finish or publish it.
So, with the past few months have come massive internal, personal growth. I have grown to be a much more independent thinker, though I still struggle occasionally with confidence and assertiveness. I have learned the importance of speaking my mind, keeping it respectful, and above all, I've learned to appreciate the "now" and try not to worry about tomorrow.
I have gotten the opportunity to meet and get to know some amazing people, both in my personal and professional life.
There are no stories to be told of love at this point, but I'm hopeful that this will change sooner than later.
The parental units are still their unconditionally-supportive, financially-responsible, and amazing selves.
So, with the past few months have come massive internal, personal growth. I have grown to be a much more independent thinker, though I still struggle occasionally with confidence and assertiveness. I have learned the importance of speaking my mind, keeping it respectful, and above all, I've learned to appreciate the "now" and try not to worry about tomorrow.
I have gotten the opportunity to meet and get to know some amazing people, both in my personal and professional life.
There are no stories to be told of love at this point, but I'm hopeful that this will change sooner than later.
The parental units are still their unconditionally-supportive, financially-responsible, and amazing selves.
Failure is a success, if we learn from it
I can't believe it's been almost a year. Almost a year since I started on my journey of growth and change. I look back, and I see the struggle and I'm proud of the success I've made.
I year ago, I was disappointed with myself, with my life, with everything. I was miserable, lonely, depressed. I was eating out of boredom, consuming my emotions with every bite, rather than looking in the mirror and deciding to do something about it.
July 22, I decided to do something about it.
I met with a therapist. I met with a personal trainer.
I started to care again. I started to fix myself.
320 days later... I'm happy. Granted, I have my days when it's hard to get out of bed, face the sun, accept that I'm single and coming up on my 32nd birthday... (bitter hostility and sarcasm are implied)
However, I'm not alone. I'm surrounded by the best friends. Granted, I lost a few along the way, but I've accepted that if they were true friends, the bullshit that I had going on would have faded and our friendship would be strong... unfortunately, the bullshit faded along with our friendship, and rather than keep the dead weight, I cut the ties.
I've picked up some new friends, which happen to be co-workers/team mates... I smile a lot most days.
I laugh. I cherish hugs, I always will. I still worry way too much for my own good, but I worry about real stuff, not stuff I can't change. I have accepted that goodbyes are part of life.
My mother sold my wedding dress, I guess I should say, she is in the process of selling it... the first weekend it was at the consignment shop, a young bride tried it on and loved it far more than I ever did. I should have known then- I settled on the man, I settled on the dress. Never again.
I'm a part of something phenomenal- still in the early stages, but it's sure to change lives, change communities, and change the way I see the world, and I can't wait. (Sparrow Clubs Indiana)
I love my family. I'm still not completely on my own two feet, but I'm getting there. I haven't spoken to the dried up sponge for almost 9 months... give or take. I wish he would come into some money and pay off the remainder of the loan with my father. (I still struggle with what business to put my nose, and with what business should I remove it)
I set up a reward system for my weight loss... bribery works for children, it works for horses, it works for me, too.
I rewarded myself with a new pair of gym shoes when I lost my first 10%
I re-calculated... when I loose the next 10%, there's another reward. So on and so forth...
I'm 4 lbs from my second reward. I have a knock-off Coach purse, but I want the real thing. In 4 lbs, its mine.
Hopefully, I will also soon be the owner of a pair of John Fluevog shoes, because my fourth reward is a vacation to Cabo- and that is booked... so, I need to get the ball rolling again. I have 45 to loose before I leave for Cabo on November 12. 22 weeks... not much time for screwing up or getting on/off the bandwagon. I've got to loose 2 lbs/week.
Better hop back on my treadmill! :)
I year ago, I was disappointed with myself, with my life, with everything. I was miserable, lonely, depressed. I was eating out of boredom, consuming my emotions with every bite, rather than looking in the mirror and deciding to do something about it.
July 22, I decided to do something about it.
I met with a therapist. I met with a personal trainer.
I started to care again. I started to fix myself.
320 days later... I'm happy. Granted, I have my days when it's hard to get out of bed, face the sun, accept that I'm single and coming up on my 32nd birthday... (bitter hostility and sarcasm are implied)
However, I'm not alone. I'm surrounded by the best friends. Granted, I lost a few along the way, but I've accepted that if they were true friends, the bullshit that I had going on would have faded and our friendship would be strong... unfortunately, the bullshit faded along with our friendship, and rather than keep the dead weight, I cut the ties.
I've picked up some new friends, which happen to be co-workers/team mates... I smile a lot most days.
I laugh. I cherish hugs, I always will. I still worry way too much for my own good, but I worry about real stuff, not stuff I can't change. I have accepted that goodbyes are part of life.
My mother sold my wedding dress, I guess I should say, she is in the process of selling it... the first weekend it was at the consignment shop, a young bride tried it on and loved it far more than I ever did. I should have known then- I settled on the man, I settled on the dress. Never again.
I'm a part of something phenomenal- still in the early stages, but it's sure to change lives, change communities, and change the way I see the world, and I can't wait. (Sparrow Clubs Indiana)
I love my family. I'm still not completely on my own two feet, but I'm getting there. I haven't spoken to the dried up sponge for almost 9 months... give or take. I wish he would come into some money and pay off the remainder of the loan with my father. (I still struggle with what business to put my nose, and with what business should I remove it)
I set up a reward system for my weight loss... bribery works for children, it works for horses, it works for me, too.
I rewarded myself with a new pair of gym shoes when I lost my first 10%
I re-calculated... when I loose the next 10%, there's another reward. So on and so forth...
I'm 4 lbs from my second reward. I have a knock-off Coach purse, but I want the real thing. In 4 lbs, its mine.
Hopefully, I will also soon be the owner of a pair of John Fluevog shoes, because my fourth reward is a vacation to Cabo- and that is booked... so, I need to get the ball rolling again. I have 45 to loose before I leave for Cabo on November 12. 22 weeks... not much time for screwing up or getting on/off the bandwagon. I've got to loose 2 lbs/week.
Better hop back on my treadmill! :)
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Mother's Day
I'm not a mother. I can only hope that I will, some day (sooner than later) have the chance to become a mother. I have the most amazing role model- my mother is my hero. I know it's cheesy... but I couldn't say it any other way if I wanted to.
I have two women in my heart on Mother's Day. The first, and most important, is obviously my Mother. She has been the rock, the foundation, the center-piece of my life. She loved me before she knew me- before she knew I even existed.
Not flesh of my flesh
Nor bone of my bone,
But still miraculously my own.
Never forget for a single minute,
You didn't grow under my heart,
But in it.
I grew in her heart- and without her I wouldn't be the woman that I am today. I celebrate her today. I thank her for everything she has taught me. I love her for everything she is, and everything that she has helped me to be. She's given me opportunities that others can only dream of. I've had an amazing childhood full of amazing vacations, experiences, love, family- my list is endless.
She has held my hand through scary moments, heartbreaks, hard lessons, and always been supportive. She may not always agree with the decisions that I've made, but she respects that they were my choices. She is there when these decisions fall apart, and she continues to help me pick up the pieces, learn from my mistakes, and helps me brush it off and keep moving.
The other person in my heart today is the person that made everything possible. She kept us healthy for 9 months. Her selfless decision 31 years ago allows me to be loved every day by the most amazing family. I think of her today- I respect her and thank her for choosing to give me a chance at the amazing life that I've had, one that may not have been possible. She is a mother by nature and biology but ultimately, she is the reason that I have the most amazing mother.
I found this- and it really really makes sense:
One you do not remember, the other you call Mother
Two different lives shaped to make you one
One became your guiding star, the other became your sun
The first one gave you life, and the second taught you to live it
The first gave you a need for love, the second was there to give it
One gave you a nationality, the other gave you a name
One gave you a talent, the other gave you aim
One gave you emotions, the other calmed your fears
One saw your first sweet smile, the other dried you tears
One made an adoption plan, that was all that she could do
The other prayed for a child, and God led her straight to you.
Now, which of these two women, Are you the product of?
Both, my darling, Both, Just two different types of love.
---- Unknown
I have two women in my heart on Mother's Day. The first, and most important, is obviously my Mother. She has been the rock, the foundation, the center-piece of my life. She loved me before she knew me- before she knew I even existed.
Not flesh of my flesh
Nor bone of my bone,
But still miraculously my own.
Never forget for a single minute,
You didn't grow under my heart,
But in it.
I grew in her heart- and without her I wouldn't be the woman that I am today. I celebrate her today. I thank her for everything she has taught me. I love her for everything she is, and everything that she has helped me to be. She's given me opportunities that others can only dream of. I've had an amazing childhood full of amazing vacations, experiences, love, family- my list is endless.
She has held my hand through scary moments, heartbreaks, hard lessons, and always been supportive. She may not always agree with the decisions that I've made, but she respects that they were my choices. She is there when these decisions fall apart, and she continues to help me pick up the pieces, learn from my mistakes, and helps me brush it off and keep moving.
The other person in my heart today is the person that made everything possible. She kept us healthy for 9 months. Her selfless decision 31 years ago allows me to be loved every day by the most amazing family. I think of her today- I respect her and thank her for choosing to give me a chance at the amazing life that I've had, one that may not have been possible. She is a mother by nature and biology but ultimately, she is the reason that I have the most amazing mother.
I found this- and it really really makes sense:
LEGACY OF AN ADOPTED
CHILD
Once there were two
women who never knew each otherOne you do not remember, the other you call Mother
Two different lives shaped to make you one
One became your guiding star, the other became your sun
The first one gave you life, and the second taught you to live it
The first gave you a need for love, the second was there to give it
One gave you a nationality, the other gave you a name
One gave you a talent, the other gave you aim
One gave you emotions, the other calmed your fears
One saw your first sweet smile, the other dried you tears
One made an adoption plan, that was all that she could do
The other prayed for a child, and God led her straight to you.
Now, which of these two women, Are you the product of?
Both, my darling, Both, Just two different types of love.
---- Unknown
Thursday, February 23, 2012
just a thought or two...
A career is wonderful, but you can't curl up with it on a cold night. -Marilyn Monroe
A new favorite song (of course, it's Pink)
A new favorite song (of course, it's Pink)
"Heartbreak Down"
I like to think that I'm a pretty good kisser
I like to think I maybe broke a few hearts
But since I met you I'm a victim of disaster
I like to think I got it down to an art
So here's where the problem starts
You're shitting on my heart
Oh, I can't take it again and again and again
All I wanted from you
Was a night, maybe two
You beat me at my own game
Now It's not okay
I'm the one that's missing out
All I needed to do
Was get just a taste of you
And now I'm sick all in my head
You poisoned me instead
Trust me, trust me, I think I got heartbreak down
I like to wake and go to bed around whenever
I like to maybe come and go when I choose
But now I'm waiting for a text, call, whatever
What's gotten into me, besides you
You're like a rush, you're like a drug, it's just the sight of you
I like to think that I could kick you but it's what you do
You knew we could be
What's the lord think of me
For being so fucking weak I find it hard for me to breathe
So here's where my story ends
I've got to make amends
I let me down
Again and again and again and again
All I wanted from you
Was a night, maybe two
You beat me at my own game
Now It's not okay
I'm the one that's missing out
All I needed to do
Was get just a taste of you
And now I'm sick all in my head
You poisoned me instead
Trust me, trust me, I think I got heartbreak down
Here's what we have to do
Stay together, keep it true
Can't be strong, too late for cool
I won't live without you
You are not rid of me
All I wanted from you
Was a night, maybe two
You beat me at my own game
Now It's not okay
I'm the one that's missing out
All I needed to do
Was get just a taste of you
And now I'm sick all in my head
You poisoned me instead
Trust me, trust me, I think I got heartbreak down
I like to think that I'm a pretty good kisser
I like to think I maybe broke a few hearts
But since I met you I'm a victim of disaster
I like to think I got it down to an art
So here's where the problem starts
You're shitting on my heart
Oh, I can't take it again and again and again
All I wanted from you
Was a night, maybe two
You beat me at my own game
Now It's not okay
I'm the one that's missing out
All I needed to do
Was get just a taste of you
And now I'm sick all in my head
You poisoned me instead
Trust me, trust me, I think I got heartbreak down
I like to wake and go to bed around whenever
I like to maybe come and go when I choose
But now I'm waiting for a text, call, whatever
What's gotten into me, besides you
You're like a rush, you're like a drug, it's just the sight of you
I like to think that I could kick you but it's what you do
You knew we could be
What's the lord think of me
For being so fucking weak I find it hard for me to breathe
So here's where my story ends
I've got to make amends
I let me down
Again and again and again and again
All I wanted from you
Was a night, maybe two
You beat me at my own game
Now It's not okay
I'm the one that's missing out
All I needed to do
Was get just a taste of you
And now I'm sick all in my head
You poisoned me instead
Trust me, trust me, I think I got heartbreak down
Here's what we have to do
Stay together, keep it true
Can't be strong, too late for cool
I won't live without you
You are not rid of me
All I wanted from you
Was a night, maybe two
You beat me at my own game
Now It's not okay
I'm the one that's missing out
All I needed to do
Was get just a taste of you
And now I'm sick all in my head
You poisoned me instead
Trust me, trust me, I think I got heartbreak down
and another one... Sara Bareilles... Gravity
"Gravity"
Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.
You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.
[CHORUS:]
Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.
You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.
[CHORUS]
I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need here on the ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down
You're on to me, on to me, and all over...
Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.
You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.
[CHORUS:]
Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.
You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.
[CHORUS]
I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need here on the ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down
You're on to me, on to me, and all over...
Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Days Off.... or Off Days?
You know, until recently, I've really loved my days off. Not that I'm saying I don't need a break here or there, but- man, the time creeps on and I'm finding myself bored as hell! I don't have the patience to get out stuff for crafting- though I should... so instead, I shop.
I shop and I get my hair done (twice in just over a month... I'm lucky I didn't come home bald today)
I shop and I nap.
I shop... and that's all.
Mind you, I don't have an unlimited income to be doing all this shopping. I've been stopping at every Goodwill I pass by- and have noticed, by the way, that the pavement at Goodwill... is terrible. There are always potholes and loose gravel- the stores are always packed... maybe use some of that money for new parking lots to bring more people into the stores... just saying.
I have days off when my friends work... so I don't get much socializing with people. I understand this makes me sound like a psychopath... I'm not an animal whisperer... not to be confused with slightly crazy having conversations with pets. (they half-way listen and don't respond, its kind of nice)
On my off days I need to be more productive- and I always wake up with a to-do list... which seemingly gets pushed to the imaginary back-est of the back burners... then by midnight, I'm amped up and ready to start checking things off- realize I have an early day the next day and regret my unproductive day. It's becoming a weekly re-occurrence.
Luckily I have some time tomorrow to be the change that I need to see- laundry will be done, dishes will be done, litterbox will be done--- and that's probably it. Don't want to be an over achiever.
On the weight front- I'm down 44. My next goal is 11 lbs away. I need to stop shopping so much so that I can afford my reward... my first REAL Coach purse. It sounds stupid... but I've got a fake one, I've got a tiny zipper wallet- I want to buy this for myself because it's something that I've wanted for a while. I'm working hard, and I deserve it.
I'm a lucky girl. I've got amazing friends, a super amazing family... just missing one piece and hoping to find him soon.
Word.
I shop and I get my hair done (twice in just over a month... I'm lucky I didn't come home bald today)
I shop and I nap.
I shop... and that's all.
Mind you, I don't have an unlimited income to be doing all this shopping. I've been stopping at every Goodwill I pass by- and have noticed, by the way, that the pavement at Goodwill... is terrible. There are always potholes and loose gravel- the stores are always packed... maybe use some of that money for new parking lots to bring more people into the stores... just saying.
I have days off when my friends work... so I don't get much socializing with people. I understand this makes me sound like a psychopath... I'm not an animal whisperer... not to be confused with slightly crazy having conversations with pets. (they half-way listen and don't respond, its kind of nice)
On my off days I need to be more productive- and I always wake up with a to-do list... which seemingly gets pushed to the imaginary back-est of the back burners... then by midnight, I'm amped up and ready to start checking things off- realize I have an early day the next day and regret my unproductive day. It's becoming a weekly re-occurrence.
Luckily I have some time tomorrow to be the change that I need to see- laundry will be done, dishes will be done, litterbox will be done--- and that's probably it. Don't want to be an over achiever.
On the weight front- I'm down 44. My next goal is 11 lbs away. I need to stop shopping so much so that I can afford my reward... my first REAL Coach purse. It sounds stupid... but I've got a fake one, I've got a tiny zipper wallet- I want to buy this for myself because it's something that I've wanted for a while. I'm working hard, and I deserve it.
I'm a lucky girl. I've got amazing friends, a super amazing family... just missing one piece and hoping to find him soon.
Word.
Sunday, February 5, 2012
p.s.
I really have to stress on the idiot that I feel that this makes me--- but I love that I have more responsibility so that I can take work home. I love that I have meetings to discuss other peoples' continued success or ability to improve, for the betterment of the team. I love that my opinions are valued. I love that people are taking me seriously. I love my bosses. I love the animals. I love everything about my job. I really, honestly don't think I can stress it enough.
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