So... we're still waiting for answers. But really, when aren't we waiting in life? Waiting on the webpage to load, waiting on my phone to charge, waiting on a call back, waiting for the car to warm up, waiting on the server to bring the food... waiting, waiting, waiting. You get the point.
Right now, I'm waiting on Tigger- the kitty- to realize that I'm not her mother and she can stop licking me... I don't have fur, I don't need to be groomed- well, sometimes I just don't have time to shower- but licking my hand won't fix that. :)
Trying to decide what to do for the holidays. It's always a hard time- wasn't always this way, but as I've become an adult, things have gotten more and more difficult for me. I miss the way things were when I was a kid. Christmas Eve at Mom-Mom and Pop's house, a birthday celebration for Baby Jesus, complete with a mini-parade... my cousins and I all carried in the nativity set- and I thought I was big stuff when I was promoted from camel or Wise Man--- to Baby Jesus... little did I know, it was because all my cousins were getting older and were over it. Glad they continued to play along for a few years- but nonetheless... we would have angel food cake and peppermint ice cream- sing Happy Birthday, open a shit-ton of presents and then go home and wait for Santa. In the morning, we'd have my grandparents over for breakfast after I'd ransacked the tree- (they would usually bring me another gift or two- but only cause I was their favorite--- I mean, the youngest- I was the youngest, so therefore I was spoiled-- I mean, loved. I was loved- and I got more presents than everyone-- shhh, don't tell) We'd all get cleaned up and the three of us would go out to my Grandma and Grandpa Castle's house- where we'd meet up with my cousins and aunt/uncle out there- and this is where I hit the mother load, cause my Grandma would always ask for specific gifts- and I'd always get them- the other stuff... was just by chance (still is- LOVE YOU, MOM- but I never did get that puppy OR baby sister that I asked for)
Then Mom and Dad and I would come home, crash, and I'd go hog-wild with all my new stuff...
Now- it's not the same.
Mom and Dad and I do our own thing- we go to my aunt's house Christmas Eve, where we sit while they have their big Christmas as a family- with their grandkids, my cousins, and Aunt and Uncle. Not hating them- just hate feeling like we're intruding on their family traditions After that, we all fight sleep to stay awake for Midnight Mass, where my dad and I proceed to sob through most all the Christmas music- and when we're not sobbing, we're singing our asses off... cause it's Christmas and that's what we do- see who can get through the most verses- without the book. He wins always (honestly, who remembers all 25 verses to O'Come All Ye Faithful- besides my father??)
We then sleep in (cause we're all adults) we get into our stockings while my mom is getting breakfast ready, go into the living room, I still reek havoc on the living room cause I'm spoiled- then we eat breakfast, and start to get dinner ready- invite Uncle Vic down, watch some football or "A Christmas Story," take a nap, and be done with it.
I hate being a 32-year-old adult, alone on the holidays, alone without a man, without kids- I want to see the joy on children's faces when they think of Santa- and I want to see the joy on my parents' faces when they spoil grandchildren with presents---
With all this going on with my dad, I have to wonder- will I ever get to see this or will I be the single old lady with her crazy, half-retarded cats for my whole life?
Dad doesn't even want to put up a tree this year. Neither do I... bah, humbug.
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Monday, December 3, 2012
stress
Stress is coming at me in waves- I'm looking at life right now like "shit- what else do I want to do- so I don't have any regrets" I've got an interview with a vet tech school this week- I've come up with ideas for childrens books that I can write with my mom. I'm taking orders some crafts I've made and most important I'm spending as much time with my family as I can. It sucks that when something starts to rear its ugly head- things get serious.
My colitis is in full effect- and the skin on my fingers is flaking off like 2 week-old nail polish. I'm loosing so much hair, I'm about to order a wig- not kidding- I picked one out: Laine by Rene of Paris | Wigs.com - The Wig Experts
The ex emailed me... why, I have no idea- he asked me to call him; "hope all is well" (all IS well, asshole, I haven't had to worry a minute about what you're doing and how it will screw my life up) it's been over a year since I've spoken to him... notice I did not say "it was over a year since we spoke" I haven't called him. I know its one of two things... a) he's high and bored; or b) he's high, lonely and bored... either way, the phone is not ringing- not from my line anyway- I did pass his number along to my dad as soon as I got it. :) Just in case the idiot forgets to make a payment on his loan... Like Daddy to be able to give him a "friendly" reminder, since last time he "forgot" to make payments... Daddy gave him a "friendly" reminder and the asshole changed his number- cause that's what you do when you're white trash and have collectors calling you- you change your number instead of paying your bills- idiot.
Having some internal struggles this year- Christmas- always a difficult time for me and my Dad... miss the family- the way things used to be- before people passed away or moved out of state... like clockwork- it happens every year. We go to midnight mass. Dad clears his throat, gets ready- and sings all Christmas songs (every verse) without the hymnal. He non-verbally challenges me EVERY year to do the same, and I'm sorry- it's been exactly 12 months since I've heard all 15 verses to "O Come All Ye Faithful" and I get a little fuzzy... good thing I can fake it :) But he wins, every year. At some point, I end up running to the bathroom after we sing "Silent Night" because I've run out of kleenex that I've stolen from my mother, because, naturally- I don't have pockets. Every year, I look like an idiot, weeping, next to my dad who is trying to hold it together. It's a moment I'll never forget- and will probably be that much harder when he's not sitting next to me. I know this, because as the thought came into my head, the lump formed in my throat and I'm fighting tears. It's always funny- my mom will lean forward and give us the "mom-look" which translates in to "knock it off or Santa isn't coming" (cause that's how we roll- we still believe- we take turns filling stockings and still have gifts come "from Santa"- don't judge our traditions)
My dad doesn't want to put up a tree this year. Not because he can't- because numerous people have volunteered to come put it up for them- but because he doesn't want to. My mom thinks we'll put up the village this year, so we can all sit around the Department 56 Christmas village set up on a card-table in their house, and gaze at it on Christmas morning... yeah, not going to happen. They're getting a tree up... I'm going to do it. I refuse to have that as a memory- if that was the case, we should have gone to Mexico for Christmas- so there is no memory in Indiana- at all. I'd be fine with that. I've got my bags in my living room- I can pack a bag back up, lets go.
My colitis is in full effect- and the skin on my fingers is flaking off like 2 week-old nail polish. I'm loosing so much hair, I'm about to order a wig- not kidding- I picked one out: Laine by Rene of Paris | Wigs.com - The Wig Experts
The ex emailed me... why, I have no idea- he asked me to call him; "hope all is well" (all IS well, asshole, I haven't had to worry a minute about what you're doing and how it will screw my life up) it's been over a year since I've spoken to him... notice I did not say "it was over a year since we spoke" I haven't called him. I know its one of two things... a) he's high and bored; or b) he's high, lonely and bored... either way, the phone is not ringing- not from my line anyway- I did pass his number along to my dad as soon as I got it. :) Just in case the idiot forgets to make a payment on his loan... Like Daddy to be able to give him a "friendly" reminder, since last time he "forgot" to make payments... Daddy gave him a "friendly" reminder and the asshole changed his number- cause that's what you do when you're white trash and have collectors calling you- you change your number instead of paying your bills- idiot.
Having some internal struggles this year- Christmas- always a difficult time for me and my Dad... miss the family- the way things used to be- before people passed away or moved out of state... like clockwork- it happens every year. We go to midnight mass. Dad clears his throat, gets ready- and sings all Christmas songs (every verse) without the hymnal. He non-verbally challenges me EVERY year to do the same, and I'm sorry- it's been exactly 12 months since I've heard all 15 verses to "O Come All Ye Faithful" and I get a little fuzzy... good thing I can fake it :) But he wins, every year. At some point, I end up running to the bathroom after we sing "Silent Night" because I've run out of kleenex that I've stolen from my mother, because, naturally- I don't have pockets. Every year, I look like an idiot, weeping, next to my dad who is trying to hold it together. It's a moment I'll never forget- and will probably be that much harder when he's not sitting next to me. I know this, because as the thought came into my head, the lump formed in my throat and I'm fighting tears. It's always funny- my mom will lean forward and give us the "mom-look" which translates in to "knock it off or Santa isn't coming" (cause that's how we roll- we still believe- we take turns filling stockings and still have gifts come "from Santa"- don't judge our traditions)
My dad doesn't want to put up a tree this year. Not because he can't- because numerous people have volunteered to come put it up for them- but because he doesn't want to. My mom thinks we'll put up the village this year, so we can all sit around the Department 56 Christmas village set up on a card-table in their house, and gaze at it on Christmas morning... yeah, not going to happen. They're getting a tree up... I'm going to do it. I refuse to have that as a memory- if that was the case, we should have gone to Mexico for Christmas- so there is no memory in Indiana- at all. I'd be fine with that. I've got my bags in my living room- I can pack a bag back up, lets go.
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Adoption
Tonight, I watched my recorded episode of Private Practice. It affected me in a great way.
Addison is talking with her mentor, Vivian. Vivian disclosed that she had a daughter when she was just 15, she was not allowed to hold her- and thought of her every day. She was forced to give the baby up for adoption. Vivian is dying of cancer, does not have time to find the child she selflessly gave up for adoption, and wants Addison to help her write a letter to her daughter- it was the most touching and beautiful scenes I've ever seen on TV. Cyndi Lauper's song "Time After Time" is being covered by a different artist and is playing in the background:
"To My Beloved Daughter,
In my mind, I call you Maxine, but the truth is, even though I gave birth to you, I do not know the name you answer to all of your life. I've spent hours listening for the sound of your voice, but I would not be able to pick you out of a crowd. I do not wish to burden you with the details of my pregnancy or the sadness I felt in loosing my right to parent you. I hope and pray that you never felt abandoned by me but I want you to know there was not one moment of one day or night that I did not think of you and feel love for you. Though I did not raise you in my heart, I was always there for you. You did not have one mother. You had two.
All of my love, Your other mother"
You see- as a child that was lovingly given up for adoption, I have two mothers, too. I have one that wished for me for years, and loved me before she even knew me. I have one that loved me so much, that she made such a selfless decision to give me a better life than she could have given to me. I've never been able to say thank you. I hope some day, I can say it, to both of them, at the same time. The love that I feel on a daily basis, is indescribable.
Addison is talking with her mentor, Vivian. Vivian disclosed that she had a daughter when she was just 15, she was not allowed to hold her- and thought of her every day. She was forced to give the baby up for adoption. Vivian is dying of cancer, does not have time to find the child she selflessly gave up for adoption, and wants Addison to help her write a letter to her daughter- it was the most touching and beautiful scenes I've ever seen on TV. Cyndi Lauper's song "Time After Time" is being covered by a different artist and is playing in the background:
"To My Beloved Daughter,
In my mind, I call you Maxine, but the truth is, even though I gave birth to you, I do not know the name you answer to all of your life. I've spent hours listening for the sound of your voice, but I would not be able to pick you out of a crowd. I do not wish to burden you with the details of my pregnancy or the sadness I felt in loosing my right to parent you. I hope and pray that you never felt abandoned by me but I want you to know there was not one moment of one day or night that I did not think of you and feel love for you. Though I did not raise you in my heart, I was always there for you. You did not have one mother. You had two.
All of my love, Your other mother"
You see- as a child that was lovingly given up for adoption, I have two mothers, too. I have one that wished for me for years, and loved me before she even knew me. I have one that loved me so much, that she made such a selfless decision to give me a better life than she could have given to me. I've never been able to say thank you. I hope some day, I can say it, to both of them, at the same time. The love that I feel on a daily basis, is indescribable.
Saturday, November 17, 2012
Prayers
On Christmas Eve 2011, my mom, dad and I were walking into Midnight Mass. My dad tripped on the steps and I caught him. He'd been having some balance issues, but I made him promise that the first of the year, he'd get to his doctor to find out why he's having balance issues. In March, he called and made his appointment- and in May, my dad went to his doctor. Since then, there have been a series of CT scans, MRIs, ECGs, and blood work. My dad's been poked, prodded, and seen so many times, you'd think he was the subject of a medical study.
Balance issues have continued. Flash forward to two months ago... my daddy was working out 3 times a week. I was so proud of him that I even found a trainer. We've never been a "go-to-the-gym" kind of family. We like junk food, eating out, dessert, and naps. Diabetes reared its ugly head and we thought his balance was because of that- so he's been on a mission to control his blood sugar. He's lost weight, he's changed his diet, and he's started using the insulin pen.
Still no improvement. Balance issues have continued and progressed to the point that he cannot stand for long periods of time and looses his balance easily. His doctor gave him a suggestion- which would be a major blow to anyone- but to my dad- a man with the strongest pride, determination, and work ethic I've ever seen- being told that he should start to use a cane (at 64) was mind blowing.
Two weeks ago- he started using a cane.
Our family vacation has been planned for almost a year. First family vacation that I've taken with my parents as an adult. We figured out that we hadn't all flown together since our trip to Disney in 1992. My parents have discovered the beautiful, peaceful, and amazing land of Cabo San Lucas Mexico. They've vacationed down here several times- my dad has been in fishing tournaments. I finally managed to get an invitation.
Last Sunday, when we arrived at the airport in Indy, I saw my father swallow his pride, as he sat down into a wheelchair. It has been a necessity for our whole trip. Navigating through the airport, getting to our condo, going back and forth from the lobby to our room, and going to dinner- none of it would have been possible had we not had a wheelchair to borrow from the front desk.
As the vacation comes to an end, I've lost count of the number of times my dad has asked me if I'm having a good time and apologized to me for his immobility. It breaks my heart to see him struggle- but I've never been more proud of him. For 32 years he's helped me grow up into the woman that I am today. It's an honor to be able to put my arm into his and help him walk. I'd go through hell and back for my dad- I just hope we don't have to. Tuesday, my dad has an appointment with a spine surgeon. He's got an MRI of his spine scheduled. We've spent a lot of time worrying- but we spent more time together, as a family, having a great time. I will cherish these memories forever. I told my dad whatever he finds out- we'll get through it, together. I've got his back, always.
As we return to the states- I ask for good thoughts, prayers, and if anyone has a miracle laying around- I'll take it. My dad was supposed to give my mom dancing lessons for Christmas. He'd do anything to make good on that. I'm not ready to give up on him because he's never given up on me. We'll fight through anything together.
I love you, Dad.
Balance issues have continued. Flash forward to two months ago... my daddy was working out 3 times a week. I was so proud of him that I even found a trainer. We've never been a "go-to-the-gym" kind of family. We like junk food, eating out, dessert, and naps. Diabetes reared its ugly head and we thought his balance was because of that- so he's been on a mission to control his blood sugar. He's lost weight, he's changed his diet, and he's started using the insulin pen.
Still no improvement. Balance issues have continued and progressed to the point that he cannot stand for long periods of time and looses his balance easily. His doctor gave him a suggestion- which would be a major blow to anyone- but to my dad- a man with the strongest pride, determination, and work ethic I've ever seen- being told that he should start to use a cane (at 64) was mind blowing.
Two weeks ago- he started using a cane.
Our family vacation has been planned for almost a year. First family vacation that I've taken with my parents as an adult. We figured out that we hadn't all flown together since our trip to Disney in 1992. My parents have discovered the beautiful, peaceful, and amazing land of Cabo San Lucas Mexico. They've vacationed down here several times- my dad has been in fishing tournaments. I finally managed to get an invitation.
Last Sunday, when we arrived at the airport in Indy, I saw my father swallow his pride, as he sat down into a wheelchair. It has been a necessity for our whole trip. Navigating through the airport, getting to our condo, going back and forth from the lobby to our room, and going to dinner- none of it would have been possible had we not had a wheelchair to borrow from the front desk.
As the vacation comes to an end, I've lost count of the number of times my dad has asked me if I'm having a good time and apologized to me for his immobility. It breaks my heart to see him struggle- but I've never been more proud of him. For 32 years he's helped me grow up into the woman that I am today. It's an honor to be able to put my arm into his and help him walk. I'd go through hell and back for my dad- I just hope we don't have to. Tuesday, my dad has an appointment with a spine surgeon. He's got an MRI of his spine scheduled. We've spent a lot of time worrying- but we spent more time together, as a family, having a great time. I will cherish these memories forever. I told my dad whatever he finds out- we'll get through it, together. I've got his back, always.
As we return to the states- I ask for good thoughts, prayers, and if anyone has a miracle laying around- I'll take it. My dad was supposed to give my mom dancing lessons for Christmas. He'd do anything to make good on that. I'm not ready to give up on him because he's never given up on me. We'll fight through anything together.
I love you, Dad.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
1 year
So, it was my intention to post on my 1 year anniversary. Of course, life happened and I got busy, but nonetheless, I've made LOTS of progress in 365 grueling days!
I started (and stopped) therapy. I went for all the right reasons, and quit for the right reasons as well. I will never claim to be healed or perfect, but I was going to a couples counselor... the therapist was amazing- really knew what he was talking about- but the more and more I overcame both in private sessions and in group therapy, I realized that I was not in the right place. These women were going through divorces or were looking for help in their marriage. I was a single girl upset that my ex went crazy and broke my spirit... while it was necessary at the time, once I realized that I was feeling much better about my life- I began to look elsewhere for support. It came in the form of beautiful, smiling faces of girlfriends that had been in my life all along- supported me through ups and downs, and didn't charge $150/sitting.
Little by little, I started coming back out of the protective shell I'd created after 5 years of insanity. I was laughing- I was happy- I was slowly becoming myself again... (I missed me- I'm pretty amazing)
I have accepted the fact that the demise of my shitty relationship may have caused the demise of some friendships, but the friends that matter have stuck by my side through everything. I'm slowly realizing that negativity is contagious and cutting this from my life.
I have had good days, I have had lots of bad days, but I always wake up the next morning and think, "well, that sucked, but life isn't over, so lets give that another shot"
I enjoy my alone time, but I crave the company of someone I haven't yet found. I miss a lot of things about being in a relationship- but knowing that I'm ready to find that again gives me hope that someday, I'll find him. (sooner than later, I hope)
I have overcome a lot of intense inner-struggles. I hated myself when I looked in the mirror a year ago. I decided to do something about it. I've tried to take the reigns on weight-loss before, but have always failed. I lack consistency and follow-through. Thankfully with the help of a personal trainer which I met with once- I was able to turn the page to a much more fulfilling life.
I don't like what I see in the mirror right now, but I far from hate it. I pick myself apart- but I'm much happier with what I'm becoming. I am noticing changes- my arms are getting massively saggy (I may be able to fly if I move them fast enough) but I see muscle under the sag- and it makes me push through the disappointment of having the sag to begin with.
My most self-conscious area- the bulge below my stomach- has gotten significantly smaller- though still present- I don't see that first when I look at myself in the mirror like I used to.
I'm disappointed to admit- but my boobs- have begun to shrink. I expected that if they were going to do it- they would have done it by now.. but its only been recently that I have noticed the gaping in my favorite bra.
All of these things can be fixed (with a personal finance loan and a surgeons knife) but I know and accept that if I hadn't have worked on what I am inside- I never would have ever liked what I became on the outside.
I went shopping not too long ago- and shocked myself! I have gone down 3 sizes! I knew that all my clothes were getting big- but it wasn't until I looked at and tried on dresses, that I realized the progress I've made. I've gotten a lot of clothes recently, from Old Navy- all on sale- because why buy a lot of clothes that (hopefully) won't fit in a few months...
It was so nice to see the hard work pay off when I don't have to get frustrated cause I can't get the jeans up over my thighs or my ass.
I went through my closet and shocked myself at the number of clothes that I will have to pack away (getting rid of them would be bad karma and I don't feel like jinxing myself). It felt good.
I have my first 2 rewards... First one came fast- a new pair of work-out shoes. Second one came very slow- but I am now the proud owner of a new Coach Purse! My first - EVER!
I have my new motivation- a pair of John Fluevog shoes... -22 to go until I get those... and my Mexico vacation has been planned- I will be rewarding myself a bit early for that one- according to SparkPeople.com- this goal is outrageous and unattainable- so I'll just make myself a promise- that it's an early gift... and continue to work hard until I reach that goal.
Next- after all of this work- I will begin to save for the surgery to complete my transformation.... I can't believe how much is possible with baby steps, a great support system, and well-deserved personal rewards.
I started (and stopped) therapy. I went for all the right reasons, and quit for the right reasons as well. I will never claim to be healed or perfect, but I was going to a couples counselor... the therapist was amazing- really knew what he was talking about- but the more and more I overcame both in private sessions and in group therapy, I realized that I was not in the right place. These women were going through divorces or were looking for help in their marriage. I was a single girl upset that my ex went crazy and broke my spirit... while it was necessary at the time, once I realized that I was feeling much better about my life- I began to look elsewhere for support. It came in the form of beautiful, smiling faces of girlfriends that had been in my life all along- supported me through ups and downs, and didn't charge $150/sitting.
Little by little, I started coming back out of the protective shell I'd created after 5 years of insanity. I was laughing- I was happy- I was slowly becoming myself again... (I missed me- I'm pretty amazing)
I have accepted the fact that the demise of my shitty relationship may have caused the demise of some friendships, but the friends that matter have stuck by my side through everything. I'm slowly realizing that negativity is contagious and cutting this from my life.
I have had good days, I have had lots of bad days, but I always wake up the next morning and think, "well, that sucked, but life isn't over, so lets give that another shot"
I enjoy my alone time, but I crave the company of someone I haven't yet found. I miss a lot of things about being in a relationship- but knowing that I'm ready to find that again gives me hope that someday, I'll find him. (sooner than later, I hope)
I have overcome a lot of intense inner-struggles. I hated myself when I looked in the mirror a year ago. I decided to do something about it. I've tried to take the reigns on weight-loss before, but have always failed. I lack consistency and follow-through. Thankfully with the help of a personal trainer which I met with once- I was able to turn the page to a much more fulfilling life.
I don't like what I see in the mirror right now, but I far from hate it. I pick myself apart- but I'm much happier with what I'm becoming. I am noticing changes- my arms are getting massively saggy (I may be able to fly if I move them fast enough) but I see muscle under the sag- and it makes me push through the disappointment of having the sag to begin with.
My most self-conscious area- the bulge below my stomach- has gotten significantly smaller- though still present- I don't see that first when I look at myself in the mirror like I used to.
I'm disappointed to admit- but my boobs- have begun to shrink. I expected that if they were going to do it- they would have done it by now.. but its only been recently that I have noticed the gaping in my favorite bra.
All of these things can be fixed (with a personal finance loan and a surgeons knife) but I know and accept that if I hadn't have worked on what I am inside- I never would have ever liked what I became on the outside.
I went shopping not too long ago- and shocked myself! I have gone down 3 sizes! I knew that all my clothes were getting big- but it wasn't until I looked at and tried on dresses, that I realized the progress I've made. I've gotten a lot of clothes recently, from Old Navy- all on sale- because why buy a lot of clothes that (hopefully) won't fit in a few months...
It was so nice to see the hard work pay off when I don't have to get frustrated cause I can't get the jeans up over my thighs or my ass.
I went through my closet and shocked myself at the number of clothes that I will have to pack away (getting rid of them would be bad karma and I don't feel like jinxing myself). It felt good.
I have my first 2 rewards... First one came fast- a new pair of work-out shoes. Second one came very slow- but I am now the proud owner of a new Coach Purse! My first - EVER!
I have my new motivation- a pair of John Fluevog shoes... -22 to go until I get those... and my Mexico vacation has been planned- I will be rewarding myself a bit early for that one- according to SparkPeople.com- this goal is outrageous and unattainable- so I'll just make myself a promise- that it's an early gift... and continue to work hard until I reach that goal.
Next- after all of this work- I will begin to save for the surgery to complete my transformation.... I can't believe how much is possible with baby steps, a great support system, and well-deserved personal rewards.
Thursday, June 21, 2012
angry and ashamed
I make plenty of mistakes and I own them all. I'm not perfect and I don't try to be. I'm relatively happy. I can slap a smile on my face and fake-it-till-I-make-it any day of the week. I love my job. I cry (a lot). I love to laugh and I love hugs.
I'm single. I'm sad. I'm ready to move the f*ck on with my life. I'm lost. What is so wrong with me that no one is interested in me?
I've healed. I've had my weak moments. I've dated idiot after idiot. I've learned what I don't want in my life. I've learned what I won't put up with. I've accepted that the qualities that I'm looking for aren't found in every man.
Why does the biggest idiot in the world, who made my life HELL.... get to move on and be happy? I'm sure it looks nice on the outside, and I'm sure she's insecure, weak, vulnerable, lacking self confidence, and willing to put up with bullshit because she doesn't know any better (man- I've come a long way to be able to say that I was all these things from 2006-2010)
I had a feeling a while ago... the feeling that has proven me right MANY times without prior knowledge- I've predicted pregnancies and exes with new relationships.... in my gut, I feel that he is engaged to the 18 year-old idiot. When he was in crisis last year, he told me things about this woman- the lies, the anger and the drama that she unleashed on him within 4 days of knowing each other.
He professed his love to me again, begged to be back in my life. When I denied all these things, he grew upset and decided that he couldn't have me in his life if I wouldn't commit myself back to him.
I would never, ever choose to be with someone who made me feel the way that he did. Were there happy times, yes. Did those happy times outweigh the misery and abuse- absolutely not.
I still panic when I see a shit-brown pick-up truck or an Arkansas license plate. I know that he's got ties to Indiana. I wish that his business with my father was done and that he no longer had ties to Indiana. I wish I knew in my heart AND in my gut that I would never see him again, but the truth is, he knows where I live. He knows where my family lives. He could come here any time he wanted to. Thank God he doesn't know where I work. Looks like I'll be back to sleepless nights while I get this asshole out of my head again.
I want to force him out of my mind and heart forever. I want to find someone, be happy, and never worry about the years of turmoil that have wreaked havoc on my life after this ridiculous break-up.
I wish the relationship never happened.
I wonder where my life would be if I never would have met him, or if I had the self-esteem that I was lacking when I craved his attention and craved to have someone love me.
It's annoying, embarrassing, and I'm ashamed to admit these things... but admitting my shortcomings has helped me heal and move on up until this point- might as well keep going on this path and hope that the cycle ends, so that I can continue to heal, grow, and move forward.
I'm single. I'm sad. I'm ready to move the f*ck on with my life. I'm lost. What is so wrong with me that no one is interested in me?
I've healed. I've had my weak moments. I've dated idiot after idiot. I've learned what I don't want in my life. I've learned what I won't put up with. I've accepted that the qualities that I'm looking for aren't found in every man.
Why does the biggest idiot in the world, who made my life HELL.... get to move on and be happy? I'm sure it looks nice on the outside, and I'm sure she's insecure, weak, vulnerable, lacking self confidence, and willing to put up with bullshit because she doesn't know any better (man- I've come a long way to be able to say that I was all these things from 2006-2010)
I had a feeling a while ago... the feeling that has proven me right MANY times without prior knowledge- I've predicted pregnancies and exes with new relationships.... in my gut, I feel that he is engaged to the 18 year-old idiot. When he was in crisis last year, he told me things about this woman- the lies, the anger and the drama that she unleashed on him within 4 days of knowing each other.
He professed his love to me again, begged to be back in my life. When I denied all these things, he grew upset and decided that he couldn't have me in his life if I wouldn't commit myself back to him.
I would never, ever choose to be with someone who made me feel the way that he did. Were there happy times, yes. Did those happy times outweigh the misery and abuse- absolutely not.
I still panic when I see a shit-brown pick-up truck or an Arkansas license plate. I know that he's got ties to Indiana. I wish that his business with my father was done and that he no longer had ties to Indiana. I wish I knew in my heart AND in my gut that I would never see him again, but the truth is, he knows where I live. He knows where my family lives. He could come here any time he wanted to. Thank God he doesn't know where I work. Looks like I'll be back to sleepless nights while I get this asshole out of my head again.
I want to force him out of my mind and heart forever. I want to find someone, be happy, and never worry about the years of turmoil that have wreaked havoc on my life after this ridiculous break-up.
I wish the relationship never happened.
I wonder where my life would be if I never would have met him, or if I had the self-esteem that I was lacking when I craved his attention and craved to have someone love me.
It's annoying, embarrassing, and I'm ashamed to admit these things... but admitting my shortcomings has helped me heal and move on up until this point- might as well keep going on this path and hope that the cycle ends, so that I can continue to heal, grow, and move forward.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Pathatically Hopeful
I wrote this sometime in between the last post in Feb. and the post in May... dunno why I didn't finish or publish it.
So, with the past few months have come massive internal, personal growth. I have grown to be a much more independent thinker, though I still struggle occasionally with confidence and assertiveness. I have learned the importance of speaking my mind, keeping it respectful, and above all, I've learned to appreciate the "now" and try not to worry about tomorrow.
I have gotten the opportunity to meet and get to know some amazing people, both in my personal and professional life.
There are no stories to be told of love at this point, but I'm hopeful that this will change sooner than later.
The parental units are still their unconditionally-supportive, financially-responsible, and amazing selves.
So, with the past few months have come massive internal, personal growth. I have grown to be a much more independent thinker, though I still struggle occasionally with confidence and assertiveness. I have learned the importance of speaking my mind, keeping it respectful, and above all, I've learned to appreciate the "now" and try not to worry about tomorrow.
I have gotten the opportunity to meet and get to know some amazing people, both in my personal and professional life.
There are no stories to be told of love at this point, but I'm hopeful that this will change sooner than later.
The parental units are still their unconditionally-supportive, financially-responsible, and amazing selves.
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