I'm the 8th dwarf.... Mopey

or would it be Moapy? Walks around with his head down, long sleeves pulled down over his hands and a slight bluish cast to his skin.... yep, that's me.
I'm just getting up, after approximately 10 hours of sleep. I'm exhausted and I'm depressed. The cats have been pestering me for about 3 hours, Tigger has gone flying through the air at least a dozen times... I just want to be left alone. I even ignored my dad's wake up call this morning. He of course called back and I answered- but I just want to crawl into a hole sometimes...
I'm sick of being single, yes it's true... but I'm more sick of being reminded that I'm alone- unintentionally of course. Date night's posted on Facebook, weddings, family road trips.... what am I to do- post about how comfortable my couch is and how I'm glad my DVR never fails me? No, no date night... I just picked up a pack of breadsticks from Hotbox and I'm gonna go to town. Just me. I ate the whole bag... and then I had a bowl of cereal.
I'm sick of feeling like this. I think it's time to call the doctor and see what I can start taking. Since Chantix has now been linked to a higher chance of heart attacks, I think I'm going to try Wellbutrin. It worked wonders while I was in college. I'm also going to talk to her about getting back on Concerta. I need to be able to stay focused at work. I love my job and am willing to do anything it takes to be sure that I stay there. (Plus, the combination really did wonders for my diet, the pounds started melting off)
It's time.

and another thing... while I'm on a roll

Why is it that the person you MOST want to call you, never does? I'm pretty sure that he doesn't know that this blog exists, so if he read it, I'd be shocked and slightly embarrassed for airing my dirty laundry.... but seriously.
We started talking months ago... fishing... he even asked me out. I got nervous and freaked out, couldn't do it. Wasn't ready. Now that I'm ready, he tells me that after I turned him down, he gave up on dating, whether or not that is the truth has not been proven. He's successful, works hard, he's funny, attractive...
I kinda like him- though we haven't met... we've been chatting, texting, for like 6 months... I'm totally ready to meet him, date him, see where it goes, and I get blown off. It's like he did it on purpose to teach me a lesson... and it totally sucks. I've been depressed for 3 days... and worse- I've been staring at my phone... watching it not ring, not receive a text, nothing. I keep turning it off, removing the battery and turning it back on, hoping that I've had some sort of lapse in service... no luck. I'm pathetic.

Leave me alone, I'm lonely

What is it about online dating that is like a drug? I am completely addicted. I love the mystery of "is he, isn't he" the one... and so far, all signs point to no. I've developed a few crushes- put myself out there and get burned every time. I can't say what the last movie I went to in the theater... I think it's coming up on a year... Sitting in a restaurant with someone smiling back at you from the other side- other than a girlfriend of mine... I'm just sick of it. I want someone to spend time with. I don't have to be engaged in 6 months. I don't even expect to be engaged in a year... Yes, I'd like to be married before I'm 35- maybe a kid before I'm too old to start freaking out about my biological clock... (which I already hear ticking in my ear every day) It's depressing. I don't understand why people can judge me before they know me. I don't like that screen names like, "Ilikebigwomen" are the ones that message me. I'm not proud of the weight I've packed on. I'm not proud that that is all I obsess about and worry about... and I'm certainly not happy about the fact that I can't get the motivation to get off my ass because I'm depressed about being alone. I'm in this terrible downward spiral and I can't get out. I know I need help, but I don't know where to turn. I keep telling myself, if I could get rid of this part of me.... then I know I'd be more confident to go to the gym without being paranoid that everyone is staring at me. It's all excuses.
I'm happy on the outside but crying out for help on the inside and too ashamed to admit it- well, not too scared to blog about it I suppose...
I hear these songs:
Almost Lover
Goodbye my almost lover
Goodbye my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?

So long my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache.
Almost lovers always do

And of course....
PINK: Leave Me Alone (I'm Lonely)
Tonight
Go away
Give me a chance to miss you
Leave me alone I'm lonely
Alone I'm lonely
Say goodbye
It'll make me want to kiss you
I'm tired
Go away
Give me a chance to miss you
Leave me alone I'm lonely
Alone I'm lonely

I am lonely. I admit it. I don't want it to be confused with desperate. I still have expectations... I have a quality of a person that I want to be with. Employed; Drug-Free; Not married or separated; Ideally- for selfish reasons, and to avoid arguments with my mother, I'd like him to be Catholic, but that is not a necessity... we can work on that later. I don't mind if he's been divorced, I'm seeing that the pool of single, non-divorced men without children is getting more and more scarce. It's like animals in the Sahara desert looking for water... everyone is going after the same thing. I don't mind if he's already got children... hopefully there's no baby-mama drama... and he's got to want to have kids with me. Just because he's had them already doesn't mean that I don't get the chance to start. I pray that God will bring this person into my life... in some form. I'd like him to like sports, because I want to like sports more than I do. I'd like him to be a non-smoker... because I want to be a non-smoker and could use the support. I'd like him to be attractive (not putting a paper bag on his head for the next 50 years) Come on, is this list of demands too much? Above all, I want him to respect me. Communicate his feelings. Love me and treat me well. I deserve it. I will do the same, with every ounce of my being.
And please, no crazy demands.... I'm a normal person. I hate panty hose and will never wear them for a man. It's sick. Now, I feel like this blog needs to be my personal ad, titled, NO FREAKS.... PLEASE! I'm accepting blind date set-ups. Get a move on people... I turn 31 in a month! I'm not getting any younger.

Absense.... but my heart is not fonder

I'm trying to catch myself from going back to a sad, dark place. I am developing an obsession with trying new recipes... of course, who wants to cook at midnight, but that's a whole nother topic.
I printed off the Couch To 5K training plan, but haven't started it.
I'm in a funk again. I'm sick of dating. I know that I can't expect to find anyone in this funk, feeling and looking the way I am in recent days... I just wish, hope, and pray that God would show me that good men are out there- they're not all slime ball jerks who tell you they love you on the first date... or feel the need to describe, graphically their fetishes... I'm over it. I just want a normal person to breeze through my life. He doesn't have to stay long- if he did that's fine too, but I just need to find my faith in humanity. It's lost. Right now, I see slime, dirty, cheating, lying, scum... after one thing that they're not getting from me.
I'm sick of lies. I'm sick of hearing stories about the men who cheat. I'm sick of hearing bad, stupid stories. I'm sick to death that that is the only kind of story I have to tell. I want my own story with a happy ending.
I'm stepping off the soapbox for a minute, I haven't posted in a while... just haven't felt the urge to write. It happens.
I'm coming up on the 1 year mark since the shit storm hit last August. As a tribute for moving on- I'm going on my first stress-free vacation in about 7 years. (I'm claiming New York City, fall of 2004 as my last vacation... though I could also claim Nashville, June 2004... same year, won't get too technical) I'm very excited to be going out to New Mexico with a great friend and her baby girl, to visit her family. I've never been anywhere in the Southwest. She invited me to come along and I couldn't think of any reason not to go. (yes, the heat in the Southwest in July crossed my mind- but everyone keeps telling me the heat is different, so I'm giving them all the benefit of the doubt and taking a couple extra changes of clothes in case I sweat through everything)
This vacation is all I can think about... its the only thing getting me though from one day to the next. I deserve it. It's a great way to mark the end of this horrible year. Now, if I can drop some weight before I go so I can kick this anxiety in my brain--- me+airplane seat= dry heaves....

Seeing Red

I am so angry right now, I have to get it out of my system. He called my dad today. Told him I've been sending him messages and contacting him. Lies. The only contact that has been made was in regard to the furniture that I got rid of. The only reason that I tried so hard to touch base with him over the armoire, was because he told me if I got rid of it, it would be the last thing I ever did.
I drove home this weekend feeling anxiety- every dark brown small truck, every white Ford Focus, every truck that I thought looked like it belonged to them- I would freak out and panic. When can I start looking forward and stop looking over my shoulder.
When can I know, without a shadow of doubt, that I will never see him again? I fear that this day will only come when he knows nothing about where me and my family live. I'm so stupid to worry. I hate myself for arguing with my parents about him. I hate that it gets to that point. I feel like he's still winning. He's getting what he wants when we're all miserable.
I've been angry since I got the email from him today, "all this bad karma you put out will come back on you and your family"
Who says that except someone with a vendetta against someone else? I tried to explain that these threats are hostile and it makes me nervous. I pull into my space and think- did I leave those lights on, or has someone been here. I examine each piece of furniture, blankets, doors open or closed and think..... was someone here? Did he break in to see the cats. I am paranoid. I know I'm paranoid. I don't want to be paranoid- who would ever want to feel this way day in and day out? It makes me ill.
I really keep thinking to myself, if these threats happen again, I'm getting a baseball bat and taking a road trip to pull a little Carrie Underwood, "Before He Cheats," on his broken down piece-of-crap truck..... hate runs through my veins right now. I'd love nothing more than to:
-dig my key into the side of his (pretty little souped up 4 wheel drive,) poop brown pick-up truck...
-carve my name into his (leather) cloth seats...
-take a Louisville slugger to both headlights, and
-slash a hole in all 4 tires...

because......

Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats. (and lies and threatens me and my family)

Tread Lightly

Anger is flowing rapidly through my blood. I am not quite to the point where I am seeing red but I don't think I am far off...
I have a feeling someone came across my blog and didnt like what he saw...however... It needs to said that these are my opinions and my opinions only. No names are mentioned in this blog for privacy and some respect... Its important to me that you know that.

If you don't like it.... then maybe you should really try to change. Because this blog is a direct consequence for my feelings, emotions, rage..... over the past 5 years.

Amen.

Somebody To Love....

So... Its after midnight and I'm sitting here, (don't make fun) jamming to the soundtrack of Glee. Queen's version of "Somebody To Love" came on and I love it. I feel like that is the anthem to my life right now... since my mother has failed at her 2 blind dates (don't know that she failed, just stopped trying) I'm now reaching out to friends and complete strangers. Someone has to know someone (who knows someone....etc) that has a single friend, that isn't an ass.
"I work hard, every day of my life (not quite till I ache in my bones)
At the end of the day, I take my hard earned pay on my own. I get down on my knees and I start to pray. Somebody- can anybody find me somebody to love? ......... but everybody wants to put me down, they say I'm going crazy.... " Something to that effect.
Yes, I sympathize. Someone actually asked me what I think I have in common with them, besides eating. Definitely can say that I'm getting put down, but not letting it get to me. Trust that I gave him a nasty response to the "what do we have in common besides eating" comment. What a jerk.
I just have to keep the faith. Be patient. And keep bugging everyone that I know to set me up. :)
Since you're reading this.... do you know anyone?