I'm trying my hardest to see the world through the metaphoric "rose-colored glasses." I've been going to therapy since July 22. I'm beginning to understand, beginning to comprehend why my life has taken such a drastic turn since college.... since high school....
The skeletons in my closet are getting antsy, some have come out to dance... others will remain locked away for eternity.
My therapist claims that we are only as emotionally stable as the people that we choose to be with. At first, I thought he was crazy (denial). Then, I began to understand and agree with his mentality.
He states that on a scale of 1-10; 10 being perfect and completely unrealistic, I am about a 2.5. He said that on average, people tend to be around 5 or 6... there are a handful of 7s... and he's never encountered anyone who is an 8,9, or 10.
He states that until we begin to heal ourselves, we will continue to attract people who are as emotionally unstable as we are. I don't want to be with someone who has issues. I have enough on my plate myself... so I've decided to take a step back, quit trying so damn hard to create an "us" because in the end, the "us" won't last.
I had my first interview today. I am confident that I made a good first impression. I don't feel that I have the experience that they're looking for. I know I would be able to perform the duties of the job well... and if they're willing to teach me, I'm willing to learn.
I went to the lake with my family this weekend. I had an amazing time with my parents. I feel like there was less stress and tension. I want to work on the relationship that I have with them.
I want to put some of my demons to rest. I want to move forward and grow as a person instead of living in the past.
I went to the doctor today- I'm using my insurance in full effect until it expires on 8-31. Doctor was proud of the positive changes that I've made... weight loss and cutting back on the cigarettes- a lot, with the intention to quit completely. I discovered that my scale is off by about 12 lbs. I discovered this when I weighed myself after II came home from the doctor... and my scale said that I was 12 lbs heavier in 30 minutes after not ingesting anything into my body. I will be purchasing a new scale. (this means that my Wii Fit is more accurate than my scale- and this makes me happy)
I have an interview tomorrow- I'm very hopeful. I have another doctors appointment on Wednesday- to get some skin tags removed from my neck. I hope that along with all of these changes, I will also begin to feel more confident.
I know optimism leads to a happier life.
I want to be happy.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Another year older.... not any wiser
So today, I celebrate, quietly, the fact that I'm going "into my thirties." Thirty was a tough year, emotionally, financially and health-wise. Thirty-one isn't off to the greatest of starts, either.
I was let go from my amazing, fabulous job on Monday. I had a fever and horrible cold Tuesday. And Wednesday, I woke up and realized how alone I am. I have the most amazing friends and more Facebook well-wishes than I expected. But, I'm away from my family. Last year, I was sad about lots of things- the end of my relationship, the emotional distress that I'd been going through for the past couple of years, and the thought of moving on was so- scary. But my family got me through it. I remember driving to Tennessee to see my cousin right after the shit-storm hit. She was my rock, supportive and amazing. My family took me to lunch, a friend and her kids met up with me. I had two margaritas by noon and I was feeling good. I went to dinner with my parents and family friends before making the drive back to Indy. I had a job to come back to, an apartment with two obnoxious fur monsters, and mounting bills to be paid.
This year, I woke up, very happy to be able to breathe clearly from one of my nostrils, not so much wheezing with every breath I took and the fever passed- but I was alone. I have never been alone on my birthday. I have no job to come back to, I still have my apartment with the two obnoxious fur monsters, and again- mounting bills to be paid, but I don't have my rock, my job, which I was so proud of- which I loved, which I was good at. I was told just how good I was on more than one occasion, but from a business standpoint- everything clicked a little too late for me.
Now that I'm on my meds, I'm not going to stop taking them. I'm not going to stop therapy. I'm going to keep looking for the next best job and with any luck, I'll take off and soar because I have everything in place to be successful.
I'm stepping down from my soapbox now. Thank you to all my amazing friends and family who has worked hard to make my birthday special. I appreciate it. I'm sorry I'm such a Debbie Downer.
I was let go from my amazing, fabulous job on Monday. I had a fever and horrible cold Tuesday. And Wednesday, I woke up and realized how alone I am. I have the most amazing friends and more Facebook well-wishes than I expected. But, I'm away from my family. Last year, I was sad about lots of things- the end of my relationship, the emotional distress that I'd been going through for the past couple of years, and the thought of moving on was so- scary. But my family got me through it. I remember driving to Tennessee to see my cousin right after the shit-storm hit. She was my rock, supportive and amazing. My family took me to lunch, a friend and her kids met up with me. I had two margaritas by noon and I was feeling good. I went to dinner with my parents and family friends before making the drive back to Indy. I had a job to come back to, an apartment with two obnoxious fur monsters, and mounting bills to be paid.
This year, I woke up, very happy to be able to breathe clearly from one of my nostrils, not so much wheezing with every breath I took and the fever passed- but I was alone. I have never been alone on my birthday. I have no job to come back to, I still have my apartment with the two obnoxious fur monsters, and again- mounting bills to be paid, but I don't have my rock, my job, which I was so proud of- which I loved, which I was good at. I was told just how good I was on more than one occasion, but from a business standpoint- everything clicked a little too late for me.
Now that I'm on my meds, I'm not going to stop taking them. I'm not going to stop therapy. I'm going to keep looking for the next best job and with any luck, I'll take off and soar because I have everything in place to be successful.
I'm stepping down from my soapbox now. Thank you to all my amazing friends and family who has worked hard to make my birthday special. I appreciate it. I'm sorry I'm such a Debbie Downer.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
The hard part
So... I've felt this rush of emotions starting to boil up for a while. I knew sooner or later I'd explode with tears and overwhelming sadness, like I always do. Today, it started to trickle out. I just feel lost, alone and sad.
I can't believe its been a year. A year ago, I was annoyed by him. Now, he's completely out of my life. I didn't think this would ever happen. I didn't think I'd be alone. I know that I'm not ready to NOT be alone, but I just really never thought that my life would be like this.
I know we never know how things are going to turn out... and I wouldn't want to know, but a little guidance along the way never hurt anyone. Why can't I at least get that. A little nudge to let me know I'm on the right track. I feel like I'm on the right track in my gut. But I second guess and doubt myself too much for my own good.
I started thinking about birthdays... how they were always celebrated BIG as a kid. Of course, over the years its dwindled down... last year, though disastrous, I had a pretty great day with my friends and my family. My mom, God bless her, is making it more difficult though she's trying so hard to help. She knows that my schedule is a little funky this month. I'm off this weekend, but they're going to a family reunion in Michigan. I work next weekend, but I'm off on Friday, but she'll be watching my cousins after school while their mom teaches. It's just a mess. She keeps asking if she can send me my gift, and I keep saying no, her sending it is just driving home the fact that I'll be alone on my birthday and that makes me sad. I don't have single, available friends to go out to dinner, on a Wednesday, with me for my birthday. I have to work until 8:30. I'm sure I'll come home to two obnoxious and annoying kitties. Everybody has jobs, kids, families, lives.
Reading this Codependent book, I'm realizing that the way that I feel this way is because I want everyone to know that I feel like this, without having to say it. I expect everyone to know what to do, without sharing it with anyone. I haven't been the best friend to these people that I'm expecting to drop everything... years ago, I'd drop everything and go to them regardless of what I had going on. I remember I left work one day and took a 3 hour lunch because a really close friend had experienced a traumatic breakup and didn't want to be alone.
I remember all these things, but I can't honestly say that I've done a bit of anything for anyone like this, for at least the past year, if not more. Does that make me a bad person or a bad friend, absolutely not... but how I can I rightfully expect anyone to drop anything for me when I haven't done the same for them.
I'm sick of feeling alone, when in reality I have some of the most amazing people in my life. I'm sick of feeling defeated, when I've proven myself to be successful and accomplished... I just can't get my head around these feelings and emotions.
Guess it's a good thing I have a therapy appt tomorrow. I need him to get in my head and fix me.
I can't believe its been a year. A year ago, I was annoyed by him. Now, he's completely out of my life. I didn't think this would ever happen. I didn't think I'd be alone. I know that I'm not ready to NOT be alone, but I just really never thought that my life would be like this.
I know we never know how things are going to turn out... and I wouldn't want to know, but a little guidance along the way never hurt anyone. Why can't I at least get that. A little nudge to let me know I'm on the right track. I feel like I'm on the right track in my gut. But I second guess and doubt myself too much for my own good.
I started thinking about birthdays... how they were always celebrated BIG as a kid. Of course, over the years its dwindled down... last year, though disastrous, I had a pretty great day with my friends and my family. My mom, God bless her, is making it more difficult though she's trying so hard to help. She knows that my schedule is a little funky this month. I'm off this weekend, but they're going to a family reunion in Michigan. I work next weekend, but I'm off on Friday, but she'll be watching my cousins after school while their mom teaches. It's just a mess. She keeps asking if she can send me my gift, and I keep saying no, her sending it is just driving home the fact that I'll be alone on my birthday and that makes me sad. I don't have single, available friends to go out to dinner, on a Wednesday, with me for my birthday. I have to work until 8:30. I'm sure I'll come home to two obnoxious and annoying kitties. Everybody has jobs, kids, families, lives.
Reading this Codependent book, I'm realizing that the way that I feel this way is because I want everyone to know that I feel like this, without having to say it. I expect everyone to know what to do, without sharing it with anyone. I haven't been the best friend to these people that I'm expecting to drop everything... years ago, I'd drop everything and go to them regardless of what I had going on. I remember I left work one day and took a 3 hour lunch because a really close friend had experienced a traumatic breakup and didn't want to be alone.
I remember all these things, but I can't honestly say that I've done a bit of anything for anyone like this, for at least the past year, if not more. Does that make me a bad person or a bad friend, absolutely not... but how I can I rightfully expect anyone to drop anything for me when I haven't done the same for them.
I'm sick of feeling alone, when in reality I have some of the most amazing people in my life. I'm sick of feeling defeated, when I've proven myself to be successful and accomplished... I just can't get my head around these feelings and emotions.
Guess it's a good thing I have a therapy appt tomorrow. I need him to get in my head and fix me.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Not goodbye, its see you soon
Well, I guess I should have ended my last blog with the title of this one. It's been a crazy couple of weeks, to say the least.
Quick recap... My new schedule started at work. No more coming home at 11pm... thank goodness! I love the new schedule. I can still sleep in, and get home before the sun sets. It's great. Because I have more time in the evenings, I started working out again. Really, really serious this time. I hung a TV over my treadmill, I have the tools, I've got to put in the time. I even hired a trainer, more to come on that. So it's a slow process. I rationed out all the snacks in the house, individual baggies- cereal, chips, you name it. I've started paying attention to what I eat, and realizing that frozen Lean Cuisine meals aren't so bad to take to work (all the calorie counting is done already, so makes my job easy).
I'm sweating my ass off to Just Dance, Just Dance vol 2, Wii Fit and Wii Sports. Progress being made, but I'm committed to be in this for the long haul.
I struggled again the end of the month of July at work. I can say I gave it 100% effort, but it just wasn't enough to meet my goals for the month and once again I found myself on the chopping block. It's not a fun place to be. It screwed with my head, stomach, and my heart. I love my job. I ended up making a very, very hard decision-- to cancel my vacation that I'd been patiently waiting on and reschedule it at another time, when work wasn't so hectic.
I met with my therapist for the first time. I'm going to an amazing center and seeing a therapist that I know will change my life.
Then on the 24th of July, I received devastating news. Back it up a few moments. I was working out. I had my phone on the couch and didn't hear it ring, so when I checked it at 1:30am, and saw that an hour before that, I'd missed a call from Home, I began to freak out a little bit. I called Home and spoke to my father, who wasn't asleep and probably hadn't been since he'd called me. My ex contacted them about the same time that he called me. He asked them to have me call him at his mother's house. His brother was dead. Of course, I don't have a heart of ice. I took down the number, blocked mine and called him. I was shaking. The adrenaline was rushing through my veins. I was scared. I hadn't spoken to him since March. His mom answered and thanked me for calling. She handed the phone to him and he started to cry. Any life lost is difficult to deal with. He was a troubled, intelligent and kind hearted person. He, thus far, was as close to an "almost brother-in-law" that I've had. I cried. I apologized. I didn't know what to say. He left behind a mother, brother, wife, two children and a strong group of amazing friends.
Since the news, the cancelled vacation, the therapy, the personal trainer, the workouts.... I've lost 12.5 lbs. I officially started keeping track on the 22nd of July. I try not to crowd the scales throughout the week, but I get antsy and want to see results. I will be measuring my body once a month. When I measured my waist on the 22nd.... it was a little hard to see- but two weeks in, I cheated and got the tape out- I've lost 2 inches. Just little steps like that keep me motivated when I really want to reach for the Soda or Chocolate. Which reminds me... I'm down to MAYBE one or two cans of DIET pop.... I'm drinking bottled water (with Crystal Light) and I'm enjoying it. I even made (and failed) Iced Tea.... I didn't drink it, but it sat in my fridge for 2 weeks before going down the drain... I had a glass of it, but I've gotta do one thing at a time- though the tea would be an excellent replacement for caffeine.
I'm also reading a new book which is helping me learn about who I am and why I feel crazy some days... it's called Codependent No More. I encourage everyone to at least read it. I'm diving in head first, doing all the activities at the end of chapters and really learning a lot from this book. I am Codependent. I gravitate towards people that aren't perfect (not that anyone is perfect) I try to fix them. I let their life consume my life and I now can say that I understand why I was so angry that my ex took my sparkle. I'd let my sparkle go out years ago when I let his problems consume my life and forgot about my own issues. I keep reading it wondering when I became so screwed up... I feel crazy, but I feel hopeful, too.
Now, I'm 7 days away from my birthday. 3 days away from the day when the shit storm happened.... and I can feel that I'm not far from being happy again. I'm going in the right direction. Positive changes. Baby steps. New chapters. Bring.It.On.
Quick recap... My new schedule started at work. No more coming home at 11pm... thank goodness! I love the new schedule. I can still sleep in, and get home before the sun sets. It's great. Because I have more time in the evenings, I started working out again. Really, really serious this time. I hung a TV over my treadmill, I have the tools, I've got to put in the time. I even hired a trainer, more to come on that. So it's a slow process. I rationed out all the snacks in the house, individual baggies- cereal, chips, you name it. I've started paying attention to what I eat, and realizing that frozen Lean Cuisine meals aren't so bad to take to work (all the calorie counting is done already, so makes my job easy).
I'm sweating my ass off to Just Dance, Just Dance vol 2, Wii Fit and Wii Sports. Progress being made, but I'm committed to be in this for the long haul.
I struggled again the end of the month of July at work. I can say I gave it 100% effort, but it just wasn't enough to meet my goals for the month and once again I found myself on the chopping block. It's not a fun place to be. It screwed with my head, stomach, and my heart. I love my job. I ended up making a very, very hard decision-- to cancel my vacation that I'd been patiently waiting on and reschedule it at another time, when work wasn't so hectic.
I met with my therapist for the first time. I'm going to an amazing center and seeing a therapist that I know will change my life.
Then on the 24th of July, I received devastating news. Back it up a few moments. I was working out. I had my phone on the couch and didn't hear it ring, so when I checked it at 1:30am, and saw that an hour before that, I'd missed a call from Home, I began to freak out a little bit. I called Home and spoke to my father, who wasn't asleep and probably hadn't been since he'd called me. My ex contacted them about the same time that he called me. He asked them to have me call him at his mother's house. His brother was dead. Of course, I don't have a heart of ice. I took down the number, blocked mine and called him. I was shaking. The adrenaline was rushing through my veins. I was scared. I hadn't spoken to him since March. His mom answered and thanked me for calling. She handed the phone to him and he started to cry. Any life lost is difficult to deal with. He was a troubled, intelligent and kind hearted person. He, thus far, was as close to an "almost brother-in-law" that I've had. I cried. I apologized. I didn't know what to say. He left behind a mother, brother, wife, two children and a strong group of amazing friends.
Since the news, the cancelled vacation, the therapy, the personal trainer, the workouts.... I've lost 12.5 lbs. I officially started keeping track on the 22nd of July. I try not to crowd the scales throughout the week, but I get antsy and want to see results. I will be measuring my body once a month. When I measured my waist on the 22nd.... it was a little hard to see- but two weeks in, I cheated and got the tape out- I've lost 2 inches. Just little steps like that keep me motivated when I really want to reach for the Soda or Chocolate. Which reminds me... I'm down to MAYBE one or two cans of DIET pop.... I'm drinking bottled water (with Crystal Light) and I'm enjoying it. I even made (and failed) Iced Tea.... I didn't drink it, but it sat in my fridge for 2 weeks before going down the drain... I had a glass of it, but I've gotta do one thing at a time- though the tea would be an excellent replacement for caffeine.
I'm also reading a new book which is helping me learn about who I am and why I feel crazy some days... it's called Codependent No More. I encourage everyone to at least read it. I'm diving in head first, doing all the activities at the end of chapters and really learning a lot from this book. I am Codependent. I gravitate towards people that aren't perfect (not that anyone is perfect) I try to fix them. I let their life consume my life and I now can say that I understand why I was so angry that my ex took my sparkle. I'd let my sparkle go out years ago when I let his problems consume my life and forgot about my own issues. I keep reading it wondering when I became so screwed up... I feel crazy, but I feel hopeful, too.
Now, I'm 7 days away from my birthday. 3 days away from the day when the shit storm happened.... and I can feel that I'm not far from being happy again. I'm going in the right direction. Positive changes. Baby steps. New chapters. Bring.It.On.
Monday, July 18, 2011
New Adventures, Better Endings
So... I made the decision to take charge of where my life is going. It wasn't going down the happy path, that's for sure. These last two weeks have brought ups and downs, kinda making me car-sick... I missed him last week. I missed him making me laugh, and it kinda sucks cause now thinking that I missed him making me laugh and being there for me when I was having a bad day. Thinking about it makes a tiny piece of me miss him again...
This weekend was great! I got to spend time with my amazing parents who met me in Anderson. We had dinner (sooo not on the diet plan) and then ran some errands. So good to see them, but only seeing them a few times a month really, really makes me miss them. (deep breath.... cause I got all teary eyed) They really are the two most amazing people in my life. I don't know where I'd be if they weren't the strong, supportive, loving people that they are.
I also got to see my other supporter.... my cousin and Godmother was visiting for the weekend from Tennessee. She just kept saying how proud she is and how far I've come. It's not easy to hear good things some times...
New schedules started at work today, I'm so happy to be off of work while the sun is still in the sky- though I didn't enjoy the sun at all, knowing that I'm home before the moon and stars are out just feels good.
I'm on a plane, on vacation in 9 days. I can't wait. Though I'm starting to have anxiety about having to ask for a seatbelt extender on the airplane. Something I swore I'd never do (I also said I'd never get bigger than the sizes at Old Navy-- then they started their Women's Plus sizes, which accommodated me, so I didn't TECHNICALLY break that rule)
I went swimming this weekend- I love the water. I swear, someday, I will own a pool. I was amazed at the number of calories that I burned treading water or just swimming a couple of laps... compared to talking myself into getting on the treadmill for weeks... it flew by.
That is all. Tomorrow I find out from my doctor if I'm a candidate to be put back onto ADHD medication. I've decided... now is the time. I've let two jobs slip past my fingers because I struggled to focus- but no more. I will blow people away at the commitment that I have to my job. I will succeed. And still, with my first bonus check- whenever that may come... I will buy my first Coach purse.
This weekend was great! I got to spend time with my amazing parents who met me in Anderson. We had dinner (sooo not on the diet plan) and then ran some errands. So good to see them, but only seeing them a few times a month really, really makes me miss them. (deep breath.... cause I got all teary eyed) They really are the two most amazing people in my life. I don't know where I'd be if they weren't the strong, supportive, loving people that they are.
I also got to see my other supporter.... my cousin and Godmother was visiting for the weekend from Tennessee. She just kept saying how proud she is and how far I've come. It's not easy to hear good things some times...
New schedules started at work today, I'm so happy to be off of work while the sun is still in the sky- though I didn't enjoy the sun at all, knowing that I'm home before the moon and stars are out just feels good.
I'm on a plane, on vacation in 9 days. I can't wait. Though I'm starting to have anxiety about having to ask for a seatbelt extender on the airplane. Something I swore I'd never do (I also said I'd never get bigger than the sizes at Old Navy-- then they started their Women's Plus sizes, which accommodated me, so I didn't TECHNICALLY break that rule)
I went swimming this weekend- I love the water. I swear, someday, I will own a pool. I was amazed at the number of calories that I burned treading water or just swimming a couple of laps... compared to talking myself into getting on the treadmill for weeks... it flew by.
That is all. Tomorrow I find out from my doctor if I'm a candidate to be put back onto ADHD medication. I've decided... now is the time. I've let two jobs slip past my fingers because I struggled to focus- but no more. I will blow people away at the commitment that I have to my job. I will succeed. And still, with my first bonus check- whenever that may come... I will buy my first Coach purse.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Today is the day
I'm not sitting around waiting for things to happen anymore. Today I reconnected with my sorority sister, one very strong and amazing woman... Who is now a personal trainer. I know her well... She was my little sis. I'm already comfortable with her, so now to go back and fill her in on how my life has come unraveled so I can move forward.
I know it won't be easy but I'm ready to start a new chapter... Its time.
I'm the 8th dwarf.... Mopey
or would it be Moapy? Walks around with his head down, long sleeves pulled down over his hands and a slight bluish cast to his skin.... yep, that's me.
I'm just getting up, after approximately 10 hours of sleep. I'm exhausted and I'm depressed. The cats have been pestering me for about 3 hours, Tigger has gone flying through the air at least a dozen times... I just want to be left alone. I even ignored my dad's wake up call this morning. He of course called back and I answered- but I just want to crawl into a hole sometimes...
I'm sick of being single, yes it's true... but I'm more sick of being reminded that I'm alone- unintentionally of course. Date night's posted on Facebook, weddings, family road trips.... what am I to do- post about how comfortable my couch is and how I'm glad my DVR never fails me? No, no date night... I just picked up a pack of breadsticks from Hotbox and I'm gonna go to town. Just me. I ate the whole bag... and then I had a bowl of cereal.
I'm sick of feeling like this. I think it's time to call the doctor and see what I can start taking. Since Chantix has now been linked to a higher chance of heart attacks, I think I'm going to try Wellbutrin. It worked wonders while I was in college. I'm also going to talk to her about getting back on Concerta. I need to be able to stay focused at work. I love my job and am willing to do anything it takes to be sure that I stay there. (Plus, the combination really did wonders for my diet, the pounds started melting off)
It's time.
I'm just getting up, after approximately 10 hours of sleep. I'm exhausted and I'm depressed. The cats have been pestering me for about 3 hours, Tigger has gone flying through the air at least a dozen times... I just want to be left alone. I even ignored my dad's wake up call this morning. He of course called back and I answered- but I just want to crawl into a hole sometimes...
I'm sick of being single, yes it's true... but I'm more sick of being reminded that I'm alone- unintentionally of course. Date night's posted on Facebook, weddings, family road trips.... what am I to do- post about how comfortable my couch is and how I'm glad my DVR never fails me? No, no date night... I just picked up a pack of breadsticks from Hotbox and I'm gonna go to town. Just me. I ate the whole bag... and then I had a bowl of cereal.
I'm sick of feeling like this. I think it's time to call the doctor and see what I can start taking. Since Chantix has now been linked to a higher chance of heart attacks, I think I'm going to try Wellbutrin. It worked wonders while I was in college. I'm also going to talk to her about getting back on Concerta. I need to be able to stay focused at work. I love my job and am willing to do anything it takes to be sure that I stay there. (Plus, the combination really did wonders for my diet, the pounds started melting off)
It's time.
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