I make plenty of mistakes and I own them all. I'm not perfect and I don't try to be. I'm relatively happy. I can slap a smile on my face and fake-it-till-I-make-it any day of the week. I love my job. I cry (a lot). I love to laugh and I love hugs.
I'm single. I'm sad. I'm ready to move the f*ck on with my life. I'm lost. What is so wrong with me that no one is interested in me?
I've healed. I've had my weak moments. I've dated idiot after idiot. I've learned what I don't want in my life. I've learned what I won't put up with. I've accepted that the qualities that I'm looking for aren't found in every man.
Why does the biggest idiot in the world, who made my life HELL.... get to move on and be happy? I'm sure it looks nice on the outside, and I'm sure she's insecure, weak, vulnerable, lacking self confidence, and willing to put up with bullshit because she doesn't know any better (man- I've come a long way to be able to say that I was all these things from 2006-2010)
I had a feeling a while ago... the feeling that has proven me right MANY times without prior knowledge- I've predicted pregnancies and exes with new relationships.... in my gut, I feel that he is engaged to the 18 year-old idiot. When he was in crisis last year, he told me things about this woman- the lies, the anger and the drama that she unleashed on him within 4 days of knowing each other.
He professed his love to me again, begged to be back in my life. When I denied all these things, he grew upset and decided that he couldn't have me in his life if I wouldn't commit myself back to him.
I would never, ever choose to be with someone who made me feel the way that he did. Were there happy times, yes. Did those happy times outweigh the misery and abuse- absolutely not.
I still panic when I see a shit-brown pick-up truck or an Arkansas license plate. I know that he's got ties to Indiana. I wish that his business with my father was done and that he no longer had ties to Indiana. I wish I knew in my heart AND in my gut that I would never see him again, but the truth is, he knows where I live. He knows where my family lives. He could come here any time he wanted to. Thank God he doesn't know where I work. Looks like I'll be back to sleepless nights while I get this asshole out of my head again.
I want to force him out of my mind and heart forever. I want to find someone, be happy, and never worry about the years of turmoil that have wreaked havoc on my life after this ridiculous break-up.
I wish the relationship never happened.
I wonder where my life would be if I never would have met him, or if I had the self-esteem that I was lacking when I craved his attention and craved to have someone love me.
It's annoying, embarrassing, and I'm ashamed to admit these things... but admitting my shortcomings has helped me heal and move on up until this point- might as well keep going on this path and hope that the cycle ends, so that I can continue to heal, grow, and move forward.
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Pathatically Hopeful
I wrote this sometime in between the last post in Feb. and the post in May... dunno why I didn't finish or publish it.
So, with the past few months have come massive internal, personal growth. I have grown to be a much more independent thinker, though I still struggle occasionally with confidence and assertiveness. I have learned the importance of speaking my mind, keeping it respectful, and above all, I've learned to appreciate the "now" and try not to worry about tomorrow.
I have gotten the opportunity to meet and get to know some amazing people, both in my personal and professional life.
There are no stories to be told of love at this point, but I'm hopeful that this will change sooner than later.
The parental units are still their unconditionally-supportive, financially-responsible, and amazing selves.
So, with the past few months have come massive internal, personal growth. I have grown to be a much more independent thinker, though I still struggle occasionally with confidence and assertiveness. I have learned the importance of speaking my mind, keeping it respectful, and above all, I've learned to appreciate the "now" and try not to worry about tomorrow.
I have gotten the opportunity to meet and get to know some amazing people, both in my personal and professional life.
There are no stories to be told of love at this point, but I'm hopeful that this will change sooner than later.
The parental units are still their unconditionally-supportive, financially-responsible, and amazing selves.
Failure is a success, if we learn from it
I can't believe it's been almost a year. Almost a year since I started on my journey of growth and change. I look back, and I see the struggle and I'm proud of the success I've made.
I year ago, I was disappointed with myself, with my life, with everything. I was miserable, lonely, depressed. I was eating out of boredom, consuming my emotions with every bite, rather than looking in the mirror and deciding to do something about it.
July 22, I decided to do something about it.
I met with a therapist. I met with a personal trainer.
I started to care again. I started to fix myself.
320 days later... I'm happy. Granted, I have my days when it's hard to get out of bed, face the sun, accept that I'm single and coming up on my 32nd birthday... (bitter hostility and sarcasm are implied)
However, I'm not alone. I'm surrounded by the best friends. Granted, I lost a few along the way, but I've accepted that if they were true friends, the bullshit that I had going on would have faded and our friendship would be strong... unfortunately, the bullshit faded along with our friendship, and rather than keep the dead weight, I cut the ties.
I've picked up some new friends, which happen to be co-workers/team mates... I smile a lot most days.
I laugh. I cherish hugs, I always will. I still worry way too much for my own good, but I worry about real stuff, not stuff I can't change. I have accepted that goodbyes are part of life.
My mother sold my wedding dress, I guess I should say, she is in the process of selling it... the first weekend it was at the consignment shop, a young bride tried it on and loved it far more than I ever did. I should have known then- I settled on the man, I settled on the dress. Never again.
I'm a part of something phenomenal- still in the early stages, but it's sure to change lives, change communities, and change the way I see the world, and I can't wait. (Sparrow Clubs Indiana)
I love my family. I'm still not completely on my own two feet, but I'm getting there. I haven't spoken to the dried up sponge for almost 9 months... give or take. I wish he would come into some money and pay off the remainder of the loan with my father. (I still struggle with what business to put my nose, and with what business should I remove it)
I set up a reward system for my weight loss... bribery works for children, it works for horses, it works for me, too.
I rewarded myself with a new pair of gym shoes when I lost my first 10%
I re-calculated... when I loose the next 10%, there's another reward. So on and so forth...
I'm 4 lbs from my second reward. I have a knock-off Coach purse, but I want the real thing. In 4 lbs, its mine.
Hopefully, I will also soon be the owner of a pair of John Fluevog shoes, because my fourth reward is a vacation to Cabo- and that is booked... so, I need to get the ball rolling again. I have 45 to loose before I leave for Cabo on November 12. 22 weeks... not much time for screwing up or getting on/off the bandwagon. I've got to loose 2 lbs/week.
Better hop back on my treadmill! :)
I year ago, I was disappointed with myself, with my life, with everything. I was miserable, lonely, depressed. I was eating out of boredom, consuming my emotions with every bite, rather than looking in the mirror and deciding to do something about it.
July 22, I decided to do something about it.
I met with a therapist. I met with a personal trainer.
I started to care again. I started to fix myself.
320 days later... I'm happy. Granted, I have my days when it's hard to get out of bed, face the sun, accept that I'm single and coming up on my 32nd birthday... (bitter hostility and sarcasm are implied)
However, I'm not alone. I'm surrounded by the best friends. Granted, I lost a few along the way, but I've accepted that if they were true friends, the bullshit that I had going on would have faded and our friendship would be strong... unfortunately, the bullshit faded along with our friendship, and rather than keep the dead weight, I cut the ties.
I've picked up some new friends, which happen to be co-workers/team mates... I smile a lot most days.
I laugh. I cherish hugs, I always will. I still worry way too much for my own good, but I worry about real stuff, not stuff I can't change. I have accepted that goodbyes are part of life.
My mother sold my wedding dress, I guess I should say, she is in the process of selling it... the first weekend it was at the consignment shop, a young bride tried it on and loved it far more than I ever did. I should have known then- I settled on the man, I settled on the dress. Never again.
I'm a part of something phenomenal- still in the early stages, but it's sure to change lives, change communities, and change the way I see the world, and I can't wait. (Sparrow Clubs Indiana)
I love my family. I'm still not completely on my own two feet, but I'm getting there. I haven't spoken to the dried up sponge for almost 9 months... give or take. I wish he would come into some money and pay off the remainder of the loan with my father. (I still struggle with what business to put my nose, and with what business should I remove it)
I set up a reward system for my weight loss... bribery works for children, it works for horses, it works for me, too.
I rewarded myself with a new pair of gym shoes when I lost my first 10%
I re-calculated... when I loose the next 10%, there's another reward. So on and so forth...
I'm 4 lbs from my second reward. I have a knock-off Coach purse, but I want the real thing. In 4 lbs, its mine.
Hopefully, I will also soon be the owner of a pair of John Fluevog shoes, because my fourth reward is a vacation to Cabo- and that is booked... so, I need to get the ball rolling again. I have 45 to loose before I leave for Cabo on November 12. 22 weeks... not much time for screwing up or getting on/off the bandwagon. I've got to loose 2 lbs/week.
Better hop back on my treadmill! :)
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