Seeing Red

I am so angry right now, I have to get it out of my system. He called my dad today. Told him I've been sending him messages and contacting him. Lies. The only contact that has been made was in regard to the furniture that I got rid of. The only reason that I tried so hard to touch base with him over the armoire, was because he told me if I got rid of it, it would be the last thing I ever did.
I drove home this weekend feeling anxiety- every dark brown small truck, every white Ford Focus, every truck that I thought looked like it belonged to them- I would freak out and panic. When can I start looking forward and stop looking over my shoulder.
When can I know, without a shadow of doubt, that I will never see him again? I fear that this day will only come when he knows nothing about where me and my family live. I'm so stupid to worry. I hate myself for arguing with my parents about him. I hate that it gets to that point. I feel like he's still winning. He's getting what he wants when we're all miserable.
I've been angry since I got the email from him today, "all this bad karma you put out will come back on you and your family"
Who says that except someone with a vendetta against someone else? I tried to explain that these threats are hostile and it makes me nervous. I pull into my space and think- did I leave those lights on, or has someone been here. I examine each piece of furniture, blankets, doors open or closed and think..... was someone here? Did he break in to see the cats. I am paranoid. I know I'm paranoid. I don't want to be paranoid- who would ever want to feel this way day in and day out? It makes me ill.
I really keep thinking to myself, if these threats happen again, I'm getting a baseball bat and taking a road trip to pull a little Carrie Underwood, "Before He Cheats," on his broken down piece-of-crap truck..... hate runs through my veins right now. I'd love nothing more than to:
-dig my key into the side of his (pretty little souped up 4 wheel drive,) poop brown pick-up truck...
-carve my name into his (leather) cloth seats...
-take a Louisville slugger to both headlights, and
-slash a hole in all 4 tires...

because......

Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats. (and lies and threatens me and my family)

Tread Lightly

Anger is flowing rapidly through my blood. I am not quite to the point where I am seeing red but I don't think I am far off...
I have a feeling someone came across my blog and didnt like what he saw...however... It needs to said that these are my opinions and my opinions only. No names are mentioned in this blog for privacy and some respect... Its important to me that you know that.

If you don't like it.... then maybe you should really try to change. Because this blog is a direct consequence for my feelings, emotions, rage..... over the past 5 years.

Amen.

Somebody To Love....

So... Its after midnight and I'm sitting here, (don't make fun) jamming to the soundtrack of Glee. Queen's version of "Somebody To Love" came on and I love it. I feel like that is the anthem to my life right now... since my mother has failed at her 2 blind dates (don't know that she failed, just stopped trying) I'm now reaching out to friends and complete strangers. Someone has to know someone (who knows someone....etc) that has a single friend, that isn't an ass.
"I work hard, every day of my life (not quite till I ache in my bones)
At the end of the day, I take my hard earned pay on my own. I get down on my knees and I start to pray. Somebody- can anybody find me somebody to love? ......... but everybody wants to put me down, they say I'm going crazy.... " Something to that effect.
Yes, I sympathize. Someone actually asked me what I think I have in common with them, besides eating. Definitely can say that I'm getting put down, but not letting it get to me. Trust that I gave him a nasty response to the "what do we have in common besides eating" comment. What a jerk.
I just have to keep the faith. Be patient. And keep bugging everyone that I know to set me up. :)
Since you're reading this.... do you know anyone?

So.... no pics yet?

I'm just an overacheiver today.....
I wanted to post some pics of my favorite things and people.... maybe not people. That may take away from the whole- anonymous thing I'm trying really hard to do... hmmmmm


of course.... the girls, Tigger and Coco.



My kitchen... clean.

The pillows we made together... we being my Mom, Dad and I. It was great bonding experience... but I think we were all ready to be done after about 10 minutes.


The Mother's Day flowers and card that I made for my Mom a few years ago. I was down on my luck and had no money to buy her flowers.... so I did the next best thing. Made them. They're still sitting on her window sill.


The lake. My favorite place.

4 legged babies

So I haven't done much blogging about the fur kids- mainly because I don't want to come across as the crazy cat lady... but seriously... I love 'em.
I love them on all days except the days that they: A)wake me up from a deep sleep to try to play... and B)try to dig for burried treasure in their litter box, thus emptying it onto the floor.
So today was neither one of those days. I had loaded up on some good sleep, and was in fact in bed before 10 pm last night, which happens only on rare exhausted days... which so happens to be yesterday. So I wake up at 8 and lay around until 10... I get up to find the monsters chasing each other through my home, Tigger's tail is poofed out, so she's pissed about something and then- and THEN- Coco goes crashing into my back door. It was slightly humorous, she was running too fast and needed to stop herself so she just hopped up and put all 4 paws onto the door- totally not kidding. She hopped right down- and this is why we call her Coco Monkey... she climbs the walls- but- the scary part about this is the fact that the door she was running into is glass. It is not a sliding glass door, it is a 12 panel glass door. Lots of little glass squares. I freaked out and chased both of them into the front bedroom to teach them a lesson. I must have grown two heads cause Tigger took one look at me and climbed under the futon. Big poofy tail and all. I let them out 3o minutes later- after having a long talk with them about appropriate behavior.
I don't think they listened .

Money talks...

So today, I got paid. It’s not unlike any other payday to an extent. I paid my rent with the last check and I’m paying my utilities with this check. I guess this is just background noise to the fact that I’ve got a pile of medical bills that I was about to burn and do some silly ritualistic money dance in my back yard to pay for---- until finally its coming together.

I guess I should say that I’ve been to the Emergency Room twice this year, and while I had insurance, I’ve been doing this stupid dance with the insurance companies to make sure that I’m getting the correct rates on my medical bills. Finally, 6 months after my first ER visit in November, the situation is straightened out. (no real emergencies- the first visit was related to my stomach issues, the second was related to the fact that I could not breathe)

Last time I had medical bills like this, I ended up filing bankruptcy. I was immature, irresponsible, attached to my ex and unemployed. These factors all equally contributed to the initial filing. I felt embarrassed, ashamed and annoyed that I wasn’t able to take care of myself financially when all this happened. I’d been laid off from my job, had piled up over 10,000 in medical bills, and was having surgery 3 days after I was laid off. It was just not a good time.

Thankfully, the time has passed and I’ve gotten through the hard times, again, with the help of my amazing parents. When these bills started rolling in, of course the first thing my mother said was, “let us know what we can do to help.” I am overjoyed to tell them that I’ve got this on my own this time. I never thought I’d be so happy to spend money on bills in my life. But, I guess when you don’t have something- and suddenly can take care of yourself, its just a good feeling and I want to shout it from the rooftops.

Ok, maybe not from the rooftops, but I am pretty happy. I’m on payment plans for the big chunks, but the others, I will happily be writing checks for tonight. My money may quickly dwindle but- at least I’m taking care of myself. It’s been a long and bumpy road, but I finally feel like I’m really starting to get the hang of this “growing up” thing. Granted, I still giggle like I’m 9, act like I’m 8, and get nervous around cute boys like I’m 13…. But if you add up those ages, it equals 30… which I am, so I guess I’m kind of on the right track.

I also completely feel the need to pass along some friendly advise I gave to an amazingly strong woman going through some hard stuff recently... aside from pleading for her to move to Fishers and stay with me, I feel like I'm also giving her some real advise- from something I'm finally getting a handle on. And I hope she's not upset that I'm sharing my words...
I first advised that she listen to the Sarah Evans song, Stronger. I was told to listen to that song by a very good friend. I'm so glad she did. The song is so true, every day it gets a little easier. I told her that if she drinks her dinner, so what, if she cries, so what- the important thing to realize is that at the moments when you feel that you're so alone you can't stand it- and your screaming at the top of your lungs, begging for someone to hear you- we're all listening and we're all there. And no one will judge her if she continues to speak to the person that broke her heart- but it will be harder and harder the longer you wait to close the door. I can understand hoping to revive love and I'm a definite believer in second chances, however, in my situation, I was on the ledge and I think if I would have given him another chance- everyone would have pushed me off. (no joke- I lost track of the times I've been told that I would have gotten slapped or punched in the face if I would have taken him back... brutal, but necessary- especially from the people that I love the most)
But here's my favorite part and I hope that someone famous reads my words and uses them in a song (only if I get some sort of rights to the song of course)
If you're not ready to close the door right now, that's okay. Leave it open all you want to. No one will judge you for leaving the door open... but remember to close it when you're ready. But the important thing to remember is someday, you may wake up and find that a little breeze blew the door shut for you... and that's okay too.

Fortunately for me, about 30 hands came in and pried the door from my hands.... and one person came in and slammed it shut. It was time. I left it open way too long.

Jar of Hearts

On my recent weekend jaunt to Nashville, Tennessee, while jamming out down 65 South, I heard this song... and fell in love. I heard it again on Glee tonight... and remembered I meant to post it on here-

Jar of Hearts by Christina Perri

I know I can't take one more step towards you
'Cause all that's waiting is regret
And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore?
You lost the love I loved the most

And I learned to live, half-alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart

You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are?

I hear you're asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms

And I learned to live, half-alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart

You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are?

Dear, it took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
Cause you broke all your promises

And now you're back
You don't get to get me back

And who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart

You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

And who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart

You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

Who do you think you are?

Who do you think you are?

Who do you think you are?

Missing piece

So, I started thinking last night about what I miss about having someone in my life. Of course I miss having someone to go to dinner or movies with, the traditional “date night” but there are also so many other things I miss about having someone around.

Running to the grocery late at night for just a couple things- its so nice to come out and see someone driving up to the curb to get you (not just anyone, but your someone…Note: I do not condone getting into cars with strangers, while it may have completely sounded that way)

The typical, “what’d they say” when you’re watching a show. Of course there’s always the rewind on the DVR, but sometimes I don’t want to fool with all of that, just having someone there who is paying a bit more attention than me.

Hugs. Hugs on a bad day. Hugs on a good day.

Someone to reassure you that you look fine, even when the muffin top is particularly protruding on your spring capri pants from last summer…. (yes, I had a moment this morning. The capri’s and I are not on speaking terms, they are balled up, in the corner, of my walk-in closet)

Someone to cook you dinner when you’re home from work late- since I am home from work late every night, I’m thinking of hiring a chef…. Or a good animal trainer to teach the cats how to cook. (kidding--- on both of those)

Someone to look at your tire when you get home from a 5 hour trip in the middle of the night and the tire gauge light has come on, on the dashboard. It has since turned off, I’ve done nothing, but I’m waiting for a blowout.

Someone to laugh with. Someone to talk with.

I know that parts of me are turning into the cat lady, who at 30, has conversations with her four-legged fur babies… but think about it, they don’t talk back. Sometimes that is appreciated more than others… Granted, they do kind of have masculine tendencies… most of the time, when talking to them, you’re talking to the back of their head- as they’re walking away.

I was cooking (lie- I was making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich) the other day and I was staring into my living room…. I could almost picture my Prince Charming sitting out the couch, remote in hand, legs propped up on my footrest. Who is he? No idea… but he better not talk back either, or we’ll have a problem.

Friendships

You know when you're hungry.... and you cannot figure out what to eat, so you find yourself "testing" things to see if it satisfies your urge?
I find myself doing that a lot. So far, chocolate is the only thing that hits the spot... I know Banditos would work- but that won't be for another week and a half. I feel like life is like a big giant refrigerator.
We go through life, finding people that satisfy our cravings- humor, intelligence, honesty, loyalty, supportiveness, reliable, respectable..... its like the carrots, yogurt, cheese, chips, cereal, cookies, ice cream.... of our refrigerator. Today I'm seeking someone loyal- take a look around the "fridge" of life. Throw out the moldy cheese and go shopping for something new.... Its just the same.
I feel like I've been tossed a couple times, I've also done the tossing several times. None of it feels good- same way when we toss out food in the fridge- you know you're thinking, man that sucks, that cost money, now I'm just throwing it away...
Friendships cost time... energy and effort. How do you know when it's time to toss it? When the friend doesn't return your calls? When they aren't there when you need them? When they make decisions you disagree with?
Don't those things build the character of the person that you're friends with---- for the reason that you were friends with them to begin with? For instance, two of my best friends from home- I don't speak to them every day or every week for that matter. One of them has two small children, a stressful job, and a husband... all of which take up a lot of her time. She knows I've got her back any day or night, and I know she's got mine. Luckily, she works mostly third shift, so if I ever call her with a crisis, and she's working- she's up. I love her. She's my family.
Same thing with another one of my friends from home... she recently moved overseas. It's ironic, because when she's here, we don't speak much- but when she's in France, we talk almost every day on Skype. I joke that we speak more now than we have since high school. It's probably not funny to anyone else, but I admire her strength and her independence. She is a true friend because the definition holds true- we don't speak for the longest time, but when we do, it's like no time has passed at all.

Being an only child, I always look to my cousins as though they are my big sisters.... when I pledged Kappa Alpha Theta in college, I had a room of sisters to embrace me on the bad days and laugh with me on the good days. Friends from high school and college seem to be the friendships that I cherish the most. I love watching my closest girlfriends become mothers and wives. It's amazing to me. People that have been there through everything and just... continue to be amazing friends. These women are my family.
I may not have been born with sisters- but I know I have them now.
Lots and lots of them.
Good thing I've got such a big heart- lots of love to go around.

Good, Bad and Ugly...

So this weekend started out just like the phrase says- started out good- no, Great!
A Royal Wedding- which, yes, I watched every second of... but most importantly, a great friend from college and her husband are expecting their first child in June, a baby girl. Her baby shower was Saturday. Naturally, I wanted to help out any way I can. The shower went down without a hitch- and the parents received some amazing gifts.
Saturday night, I went back to a girlfriends place and hung out for a couple hours- still having a great time, though exhausted from watching the Royal Wedding... working the next day... and helping with the shower.
I got up today, like any other day, to the phone ringing. It was my wisest cousin (notice I didn't say oldest) whom I am planning a visit with next weekend. Little did we know, my weekend visit in Nashville is the same weekend as the Kentucky Derby. I do have a bit of anxiety, now, with driving through Louisville on the biggest horse track racing weekend- and hopefully will not get into any traffic... well, any ridiculous dead-stopped on the highway when you have to pee kind of traffic.
So we mapped out when I'm leaving Indy and got it all figured out.
I go in to work today, feeling great- until I got my numbers for the month... which I'm praying are not accurate. I believe I missed making my goal by 0.14 (of a minute). If this is the case, I will surely be devastated.... but will also accept the shortcomings- as they are my fault, and can only improve from here. That's when it turned bad...
Here's where it turned ugly... I got a message back on the dating website, PlentyOfFish.com from a guy that I had messaged. He's 37, never married with no kids... sounds suspicious- maybe a little too good to be true.... well, it turns out, he's a total ass.
His response to me was "Other than eating, what do you think we have in common?"
Immediately, I'm holding back tears.
I'm not proud of the weight I've put on. I hate myself when I look in the mirror, everyone that knows me- knows this. Its incredibly frustrating.... but with that being said, I'm not one of these fattards you see on television playing video games for 20 hours a day. I'm active. I'm mostly happy, (just not with myself) and I'm healthy for the most part as well.... what the hell.
I've been trying to chalk it up to ignorance all day long, but my mom taught me from a young age- if you have nothing nice to say.... SAY NOTHING. Why did he feel the need to rub my fat-ness back into my face. "other than eating..." My first response was "Wow, that was rude" but I wasn't done. It stewed in my brain for another 90 seconds.... I wanted to be mean, but I don't have it in me. So here's what I came up with...
"Just because I feel sorry for your lack of the ability to find someone with a damn... I am not a fat lazy ass with nothing better to do. I am also college educated with an amazing job... I enjoy sports movies and playing cards as well as doing activities in the summer... Being outdoors and traveling. As for anything else we may have in common...we will never know"
I know I didn't really stick-it-to-him like I wanted to... but I hope I got my point across just the same. He hurt my feelings. Bad. I'm still really pissed off about it and I'd like nothing more than to kick him square in the nuts until he feels like I do right now. But.... that won't happen, so I'm going to try my hardest to go to bed tonight, praying for strength... so that I will wake up tomorrow, a better person than I am right now.
I also heard from the ass-tard. He missed his payment on a school loan that my dad helped him get. My dad called him to give a friendly reminder. Apparently he didn't like that- cause he asked me and my parents not to contact him again. I really wanted to tell him that if he wasn't late, he wouldn't have to worry about it.... but I think its good for him to get that "friendly" reminder if he's late again. After all, it's got nothing to do with me, like my dad said... it's a business transaction between the two of them. Don't be late. I'd hate to see my dad angry.