obnoxious

I'm feeling another painful breakdown coming on. Why does the bottom always seem to drop out at the most unfortunate times?
A really, really good friend tells me she's engaged- well, my bottom had dropped out already, so while I was super happy for her- I couldn't show it. Friendship ruined.
A really, really good friend tells me she's going on a third date with someone who is really good for her- I'm green with envy cause all the dirt bags I come in contact with just want one thing- and the one good guy I'd been looking forward to going out with just told me he got back with his ex. Weekend ruined.
I have an interview- first one for a few weeks. They tell me my salary requirements are unrealistic. They tell me that because my resume is padded with customer service, that's probably all I'll get- even though my skills assessment shows that I am capable of much, much more. They give me info about a position, pays 50% less than what I wanted. I'm down, but not out- till I tell my dad. He's so disappointed I can feel it 2 hours away. Now I'm down and out.
I just don't know what I can do to push though it. People tell me how lucky I am, how great of a person I am... all the bullshit you're supposed to tell your friend when they're having a bad day, right? I'm so used to hearing it, I don't even believe it any more. (keep it coming anyway- cause while I don't believe it, I do like hearing it)
What could I have possibly done to prevent this shitstorm?
And why do I feel like I'm standing on the corner, with a broken umbrella, watching life happen right in front of me... but too scared to reach out and take it.
I'm so mad at myself- I don't even know how to recover from this.

anxiety

after several months of being content with life, giving up on finding love at this point in my life, and trying to move on in the best way i know, i felt true, honest, painful anxiety today... he wants to come visit when he moves back to town. moves back to town. 4 1/2 years of seeing him almost every day, and now after 14 months, i don't care a bit to see him. yet, i'm struggling to tell him the truth.
communication is key when it comes to making a relationship work. these are things i could never say, but wished for 4 1/2 years that i could.
1: i don't like it when you talk to other women behind my back because it makes me feel threatened.
2: yes. i am the jealous type. deal with it.
3: no, i will not loan you $20
4: repeat #3 about 700 times
5: gas is too expensive to go out and just drive for hours. get a job, buy your own gas. till then, park the car, turn it off and get your ass inside.
6: why are you hurting your mother so much
7: why are you hurting me so much
8: why do you hate my family
9: please stop borrowing my debit card without asking unless you plan to replace every dime you took
10: get a job

now, this may look like i was quite the pushover... i was. we do stupid, stupid things when we think we're in love. did i love him. yes. should i have fallen for him. no. do i hate him. no- and i can't figure out why i can't say yes to that question. after all he did, i should hate him. i should curse his name. i don't wish him dead. i don't wish anything bad upon him. i'm not in love with him. i'm not in love with him. i'm not in love with him. i'm not in love with him. i'm not.

why is it so easy to be honest to everyone but yourself... i tell everyone how scared i am. this is true.
i told him (months ago) that i wouldn't mind seeing him... when the thought of him coming to indiana was merely a thought, a dream, a glimpse into what he wants to do... there were so many thoughts over the years, that until i see something happen, i don't believe it to be true- so yes, when i said i'd think about having lunch with him- it was me talking, because i didn't think it would happen. he is coming in 48 hours and i feel like i'm going to be physically ill. i want to board the cats, lock the place up, close all my windows and hide like a coward.
why can't i be brave? why can't i put up a good fight. why must i always bend to him- when he did nothing to bend for me.

why is this so difficult.

Shaking my head...

I practically woke up shaking my head in disappointment and disbelief... I checked my email before I got out of bed and instantly wanted to crawl back under the covers, and probably would have, had my bladder not felt like it was going to explode. Rather than ruin my new memory foam and humiliating myself... I got up, but wanted nothing more than to crawl into my bed. Luckily I made a commitment to a close family friend that I would help her with her wedding decorations, and I have over 400 paper flowers to make... at least my hands will be busy. Now, all I need is something to occupy my thoughts.
I really feel like I'm supposed to be learning this wonderful lesson from all this crap. I need guidance. I'm clearly too stupid to catch on to what I'm supposed to be getting from all this. I need a job. I want a job. I want to be working. Ideally, yes, I'd like to love what I'm doing but I will take anything. Its been 5 weeks. I'm depressed. I'm lonely and I'm bored.
I don't know what I'm saying in these interviews to turn the people off of me so quickly... I know that all this means is these jobs aren't meant to be... but what job is meant to be? Do I want to move, absolutely not... but I don't see much of a choice if this shitstorm continues.
The sad thing is, I'd rather deal with 100 breakups than deal with this ever, ever again.
Just got off the phone with the matriarch... she says, "so what if you have to break your lease, you have to break your lease" meaning, "its time to move back to ft. wayne"
I know I'd pay a lot less in rent up there... I'd be closer to my parents and family. I love Indy and the support that I have down here from my friends is priceless... really, really mean it.
Looks like the girls and I have some decisions to weigh...

Return/Exchange Policy

*these are my thoughts. I've had a bad morning. Read with caution. Please note that I am not suicidal. *

I can't think of a better way to describe how I'm feeling deep down inside right now. Great weekend at home, celebrated the upcoming wedding of a very good family friend with a couple of bridal showers... spent great time with my parents and friends.... couldn't have asked for a better weekend.
Today put a hault to all things happy. I'm in a terrible mood, I can't stop crying and the anxiety is boiling up inside me like a pot of fresh cooked pasta, screaming to be removed from the stovetop. I'm screaming to be removed too- but from what, exactly, I don't know.
I just wish I could catch a break. The 7 years since college have been eye-opening, to say the least. The last 5 years have taught me a lot about myself, the person I want to be, and the person I want to be with. The last 2 months... have given me a lot of insight about how I want to spend my time in the future, and the last 2 hours have made me doubt everything in my life including the meaning of gravity and what is keeping me here right now.
I feel like I'm more lost than ever. I'm wondering, aimlessly, with no destination, no map and a timeline that is so up-in-the-air, I can't even see it.
I'm sick of the ride and I want to get off. I've learned what I'm supposed to learn, now I want answers. I want to know what in the world I ever did to deserve this shit. I want to return it, it's the worst gift anyone has ever gotten. Can I send it back to the kitchen, have it re-made? Come on- can't I catch a break? What in the world did I do to deserve this bullshit?
First, I get fired. Ok, I messed up, I can deal with it. I start to second guess E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G... up to and including my career choices, my life choices, my academic choices... everything. All I come up with, my dad was right and I should have stayed at Butler. (granted, I wouldn't have met any of my close friends from BSU-- but we would have crossed paths at some point, right?)
So I apply for jobs at Butler, hoping to be hired, so I can be re-admitted and work on getting some kind of degree from there... God knows I can't afford the tuition on my own without a break of some sort... and of course, it's the job I don't hear anything from. I can handle that.
I have word vomit in an interview and the rejection letters/emails start pouring in. "We've decided to hire someone whose qualifications better meet our needs."
I like to call them the "fuck-you" letters.... granted, I'd rather get the fuck-you letter than no letter at all... but they do start to weigh on you mentally and emotionally after (let's say) the 5th one... you start to doubt yourself, doubt your purpose, doubt your experience... everything.
So... then I get the phone call today that has set all of this in motion- and really, really making me second guess canceling my therapy session last week... (if I had the $150/hr to pay him, I wouldn't have cancelled... but I have no job, therefore no money... and no other choice)
Indiana Department of Workforce Development calls... asking me why I resigned my position. They have a paper, signed stating that I gave my 2 weeks notice, resigned my position because of a change in my school status. I say over and over and over that this did not happen, I did not resign, I did not give 2 weeks notice, and I did not have any change in my education. Finally, 20 minutes into the conversation, she's still calling me Kathryn- so I ask her to call me Katie. She asks if I've ever gone by any other names. She asks what my name is- she confirms that my name is NOT Brittany. She asks if I know anyone named Brittany. She says they sent them the wrong paperwork. Somewhere in the middle of trying to get this straight-- I admit that I am on a performance improvement plan. After she has discovered that I am, in fact, NOT Brittany who resigned and gave her 2 weeks notice, she states that if they did everything they could to warn me that my job was in jeopardy, I will most likely not get unemployment.
So now, you've caused me to have a mental breakdown, straight-called me by someone else's name, unloaded mis-information and identity fraud.... and told me that I'm not going to see a dime.
I'm hyperventilating. I'm hysterical. I'm crying my eyes out.
I loved my job. I wanted to keep my job. I would have done anything I could to not loose my job. Why can't I catch a break? What have I done to piss off the universe SOOO much that bad things keep happening?
I can't even pay my bills. I hate asking for help. I've never felt so alone and pathetic in my entire life. I'm already dealing with depression. I am emotionally unstable. I am in therapy for having come out of a domestic relationship a year ago. Now, I have no purpose. I'm helping friends with things in their lives, to give myself a purpose. I have to drag myself out of bed each day. I have to convince myself to bathe. I make myself open the blinds, only to regret it. I want to sit in seclusion. I want to be in the dark. I want to cry.
So I cry. I cry every day.
I want to get off this ride. I'm sick of feeling so pathetic. I'm sick of being a disappointment. I want to be happy. I want to have a reason to be here. I want to be proud of what I'm doing in life. I'm a good person. Why can't I catch a break? Why can't someone look past all the bullshit and see me for what I am? I'm a hard-working, passionate, happy, driven person. I'm creative. I'm happy. I'm spunky. I will do anything for anyone. I'm lovable.
I am who I am. I want to return the card I've been dealt. I want a re-do.

New Experiences Make Us Stronger

So tonight, I experienced my first group therapy session. If you are in need of therapy- I strongly suggest Family Tree Counseling. It's been one of the best choices I've made.
As scared as I was to open up to a room of strangers, I have to say that the session was amazing. The women in group were accepting, understanding and encouraging. I felt great when I left.
When I mentioned the ex and his current dating choices (he's 32, she's 18, they've known each other for 4 days and already spazzing on each other) I was told to keep a quote in my head and in my heart:
Truly powerful people don't try to explain why they need respect, they just don't engage with people who do not give it to them. -Sherry Argov
It is clear to me that his divulging of useless information to me, is his way of continuing to hurt me. I'm putting my foot down, and I'm not going to stand for it anymore. It didn't make me mad or jealous, but it made me embarrassed. It made me feel like I'd spent almost 5 years with a stranger who made me feel terrible about myself.
I'm codependent and I'm beginning to understand the importance of recovery. I'm dealing with abandonment issues every day. I'm not a failure, but the recent changes in my life sure do have me on the edge of feeling like I'm nothing but a screw-up. I'm dealing with other dark scary truths as well... but I know I'm strong enough to be able to work though them with the help of some strong supporters.

Stressed

So... I'm beginning to feel overwhelmed by a lot of things, not having a job, starting group therapy, being overly bored and alone... and not having anyone to go to events with.
I really understand that with the therapy and recovery, I'm not ready to start a relationship with anyone, but it would sure be nice to have a guy friend to date... maybe not even date... I have a wedding in 1 month and I don't want to show up alone. I'm absolutely freaking out, loosing sleep and just getting anxious about the whole thing. Makes me feel more and more alone, knowing that I will be going alone--- well, no- I'm 31 and will be going with my parents. It's pathetic.
Why is it that we feel that we have to have someone by our sides to let us know that we're alone- when in reality, I know I'm not alone and have some of the best friends a girl could ask for... but I still need a man to make me feel like I've got someone.
Why is it that the above question started out as a general statement then changed into a direct question about me?
Why does this make me feel like I'm not good enough- for anyone? It's the wedding of one of the most important people in my life... family without sharing blood... I should be happy for him, not worried about me.
Why is this consuming my thoughts?

Rose Colored Glasses

I'm trying my hardest to see the world through the metaphoric "rose-colored glasses." I've been going to therapy since July 22. I'm beginning to understand, beginning to comprehend why my life has taken such a drastic turn since college.... since high school....
The skeletons in my closet are getting antsy, some have come out to dance... others will remain locked away for eternity.
My therapist claims that we are only as emotionally stable as the people that we choose to be with. At first, I thought he was crazy (denial). Then, I began to understand and agree with his mentality.
He states that on a scale of 1-10; 10 being perfect and completely unrealistic, I am about a 2.5. He said that on average, people tend to be around 5 or 6... there are a handful of 7s... and he's never encountered anyone who is an 8,9, or 10.
He states that until we begin to heal ourselves, we will continue to attract people who are as emotionally unstable as we are. I don't want to be with someone who has issues. I have enough on my plate myself... so I've decided to take a step back, quit trying so damn hard to create an "us" because in the end, the "us" won't last.
I had my first interview today. I am confident that I made a good first impression. I don't feel that I have the experience that they're looking for. I know I would be able to perform the duties of the job well... and if they're willing to teach me, I'm willing to learn.
I went to the lake with my family this weekend. I had an amazing time with my parents. I feel like there was less stress and tension. I want to work on the relationship that I have with them.
I want to put some of my demons to rest. I want to move forward and grow as a person instead of living in the past.
I went to the doctor today- I'm using my insurance in full effect until it expires on 8-31. Doctor was proud of the positive changes that I've made... weight loss and cutting back on the cigarettes- a lot, with the intention to quit completely. I discovered that my scale is off by about 12 lbs. I discovered this when I weighed myself after II came home from the doctor... and my scale said that I was 12 lbs heavier in 30 minutes after not ingesting anything into my body. I will be purchasing a new scale. (this means that my Wii Fit is more accurate than my scale- and this makes me happy)
I have an interview tomorrow- I'm very hopeful. I have another doctors appointment on Wednesday- to get some skin tags removed from my neck. I hope that along with all of these changes, I will also begin to feel more confident.
I know optimism leads to a happier life.
I want to be happy.

Another year older.... not any wiser

So today, I celebrate, quietly, the fact that I'm going "into my thirties." Thirty was a tough year, emotionally, financially and health-wise. Thirty-one isn't off to the greatest of starts, either.
I was let go from my amazing, fabulous job on Monday. I had a fever and horrible cold Tuesday. And Wednesday, I woke up and realized how alone I am. I have the most amazing friends and more Facebook well-wishes than I expected. But, I'm away from my family. Last year, I was sad about lots of things- the end of my relationship, the emotional distress that I'd been going through for the past couple of years, and the thought of moving on was so- scary. But my family got me through it. I remember driving to Tennessee to see my cousin right after the shit-storm hit. She was my rock, supportive and amazing. My family took me to lunch, a friend and her kids met up with me. I had two margaritas by noon and I was feeling good. I went to dinner with my parents and family friends before making the drive back to Indy. I had a job to come back to, an apartment with two obnoxious fur monsters, and mounting bills to be paid.
This year, I woke up, very happy to be able to breathe clearly from one of my nostrils, not so much wheezing with every breath I took and the fever passed- but I was alone. I have never been alone on my birthday. I have no job to come back to, I still have my apartment with the two obnoxious fur monsters, and again- mounting bills to be paid, but I don't have my rock, my job, which I was so proud of- which I loved, which I was good at. I was told just how good I was on more than one occasion, but from a business standpoint- everything clicked a little too late for me.
Now that I'm on my meds, I'm not going to stop taking them. I'm not going to stop therapy. I'm going to keep looking for the next best job and with any luck, I'll take off and soar because I have everything in place to be successful.
I'm stepping down from my soapbox now. Thank you to all my amazing friends and family who has worked hard to make my birthday special. I appreciate it. I'm sorry I'm such a Debbie Downer.

The hard part

So... I've felt this rush of emotions starting to boil up for a while. I knew sooner or later I'd explode with tears and overwhelming sadness, like I always do. Today, it started to trickle out. I just feel lost, alone and sad.
I can't believe its been a year. A year ago, I was annoyed by him. Now, he's completely out of my life. I didn't think this would ever happen. I didn't think I'd be alone. I know that I'm not ready to NOT be alone, but I just really never thought that my life would be like this.
I know we never know how things are going to turn out... and I wouldn't want to know, but a little guidance along the way never hurt anyone. Why can't I at least get that. A little nudge to let me know I'm on the right track. I feel like I'm on the right track in my gut. But I second guess and doubt myself too much for my own good.
I started thinking about birthdays... how they were always celebrated BIG as a kid. Of course, over the years its dwindled down... last year, though disastrous, I had a pretty great day with my friends and my family. My mom, God bless her, is making it more difficult though she's trying so hard to help. She knows that my schedule is a little funky this month. I'm off this weekend, but they're going to a family reunion in Michigan. I work next weekend, but I'm off on Friday, but she'll be watching my cousins after school while their mom teaches. It's just a mess. She keeps asking if she can send me my gift, and I keep saying no, her sending it is just driving home the fact that I'll be alone on my birthday and that makes me sad. I don't have single, available friends to go out to dinner, on a Wednesday, with me for my birthday. I have to work until 8:30. I'm sure I'll come home to two obnoxious and annoying kitties. Everybody has jobs, kids, families, lives.
Reading this Codependent book, I'm realizing that the way that I feel this way is because I want everyone to know that I feel like this, without having to say it. I expect everyone to know what to do, without sharing it with anyone. I haven't been the best friend to these people that I'm expecting to drop everything... years ago, I'd drop everything and go to them regardless of what I had going on. I remember I left work one day and took a 3 hour lunch because a really close friend had experienced a traumatic breakup and didn't want to be alone.
I remember all these things, but I can't honestly say that I've done a bit of anything for anyone like this, for at least the past year, if not more. Does that make me a bad person or a bad friend, absolutely not... but how I can I rightfully expect anyone to drop anything for me when I haven't done the same for them.
I'm sick of feeling alone, when in reality I have some of the most amazing people in my life. I'm sick of feeling defeated, when I've proven myself to be successful and accomplished... I just can't get my head around these feelings and emotions.

Guess it's a good thing I have a therapy appt tomorrow. I need him to get in my head and fix me.

Not goodbye, its see you soon

Well, I guess I should have ended my last blog with the title of this one. It's been a crazy couple of weeks, to say the least.
Quick recap... My new schedule started at work. No more coming home at 11pm... thank goodness! I love the new schedule. I can still sleep in, and get home before the sun sets. It's great. Because I have more time in the evenings, I started working out again. Really, really serious this time. I hung a TV over my treadmill, I have the tools, I've got to put in the time. I even hired a trainer, more to come on that. So it's a slow process. I rationed out all the snacks in the house, individual baggies- cereal, chips, you name it. I've started paying attention to what I eat, and realizing that frozen Lean Cuisine meals aren't so bad to take to work (all the calorie counting is done already, so makes my job easy).
I'm sweating my ass off to Just Dance, Just Dance vol 2, Wii Fit and Wii Sports. Progress being made, but I'm committed to be in this for the long haul.
I struggled again the end of the month of July at work. I can say I gave it 100% effort, but it just wasn't enough to meet my goals for the month and once again I found myself on the chopping block. It's not a fun place to be. It screwed with my head, stomach, and my heart. I love my job. I ended up making a very, very hard decision-- to cancel my vacation that I'd been patiently waiting on and reschedule it at another time, when work wasn't so hectic.
I met with my therapist for the first time. I'm going to an amazing center and seeing a therapist that I know will change my life.
Then on the 24th of July, I received devastating news. Back it up a few moments. I was working out. I had my phone on the couch and didn't hear it ring, so when I checked it at 1:30am, and saw that an hour before that, I'd missed a call from Home, I began to freak out a little bit. I called Home and spoke to my father, who wasn't asleep and probably hadn't been since he'd called me. My ex contacted them about the same time that he called me. He asked them to have me call him at his mother's house. His brother was dead. Of course, I don't have a heart of ice. I took down the number, blocked mine and called him. I was shaking. The adrenaline was rushing through my veins. I was scared. I hadn't spoken to him since March. His mom answered and thanked me for calling. She handed the phone to him and he started to cry. Any life lost is difficult to deal with. He was a troubled, intelligent and kind hearted person. He, thus far, was as close to an "almost brother-in-law" that I've had. I cried. I apologized. I didn't know what to say. He left behind a mother, brother, wife, two children and a strong group of amazing friends.

Since the news, the cancelled vacation, the therapy, the personal trainer, the workouts.... I've lost 12.5 lbs. I officially started keeping track on the 22nd of July. I try not to crowd the scales throughout the week, but I get antsy and want to see results. I will be measuring my body once a month. When I measured my waist on the 22nd.... it was a little hard to see- but two weeks in, I cheated and got the tape out- I've lost 2 inches. Just little steps like that keep me motivated when I really want to reach for the Soda or Chocolate. Which reminds me... I'm down to MAYBE one or two cans of DIET pop.... I'm drinking bottled water (with Crystal Light) and I'm enjoying it. I even made (and failed) Iced Tea.... I didn't drink it, but it sat in my fridge for 2 weeks before going down the drain... I had a glass of it, but I've gotta do one thing at a time- though the tea would be an excellent replacement for caffeine.

I'm also reading a new book which is helping me learn about who I am and why I feel crazy some days... it's called Codependent No More. I encourage everyone to at least read it. I'm diving in head first, doing all the activities at the end of chapters and really learning a lot from this book. I am Codependent. I gravitate towards people that aren't perfect (not that anyone is perfect) I try to fix them. I let their life consume my life and I now can say that I understand why I was so angry that my ex took my sparkle. I'd let my sparkle go out years ago when I let his problems consume my life and forgot about my own issues. I keep reading it wondering when I became so screwed up... I feel crazy, but I feel hopeful, too.

Now, I'm 7 days away from my birthday. 3 days away from the day when the shit storm happened.... and I can feel that I'm not far from being happy again. I'm going in the right direction. Positive changes. Baby steps. New chapters. Bring.It.On.

New Adventures, Better Endings

So... I made the decision to take charge of where my life is going. It wasn't going down the happy path, that's for sure. These last two weeks have brought ups and downs, kinda making me car-sick... I missed him last week. I missed him making me laugh, and it kinda sucks cause now thinking that I missed him making me laugh and being there for me when I was having a bad day. Thinking about it makes a tiny piece of me miss him again...
This weekend was great! I got to spend time with my amazing parents who met me in Anderson. We had dinner (sooo not on the diet plan) and then ran some errands. So good to see them, but only seeing them a few times a month really, really makes me miss them. (deep breath.... cause I got all teary eyed) They really are the two most amazing people in my life. I don't know where I'd be if they weren't the strong, supportive, loving people that they are.
I also got to see my other supporter.... my cousin and Godmother was visiting for the weekend from Tennessee. She just kept saying how proud she is and how far I've come. It's not easy to hear good things some times...
New schedules started at work today, I'm so happy to be off of work while the sun is still in the sky- though I didn't enjoy the sun at all, knowing that I'm home before the moon and stars are out just feels good.
I'm on a plane, on vacation in 9 days. I can't wait. Though I'm starting to have anxiety about having to ask for a seatbelt extender on the airplane. Something I swore I'd never do (I also said I'd never get bigger than the sizes at Old Navy-- then they started their Women's Plus sizes, which accommodated me, so I didn't TECHNICALLY break that rule)
I went swimming this weekend- I love the water. I swear, someday, I will own a pool. I was amazed at the number of calories that I burned treading water or just swimming a couple of laps... compared to talking myself into getting on the treadmill for weeks... it flew by.
That is all. Tomorrow I find out from my doctor if I'm a candidate to be put back onto ADHD medication. I've decided... now is the time. I've let two jobs slip past my fingers because I struggled to focus- but no more. I will blow people away at the commitment that I have to my job. I will succeed. And still, with my first bonus check- whenever that may come... I will buy my first Coach purse.

Today is the day

I'm not sitting around waiting for things to happen anymore. Today I reconnected with my sorority sister, one very strong and amazing woman... Who is now a personal trainer. I know her well... She was my little sis. I'm already comfortable with her, so now to go back and fill her in on how my life has come unraveled so I can move forward.
I know it won't be easy but I'm ready to start a new chapter... Its time.

I'm the 8th dwarf.... Mopey

or would it be Moapy? Walks around with his head down, long sleeves pulled down over his hands and a slight bluish cast to his skin.... yep, that's me.
I'm just getting up, after approximately 10 hours of sleep. I'm exhausted and I'm depressed. The cats have been pestering me for about 3 hours, Tigger has gone flying through the air at least a dozen times... I just want to be left alone. I even ignored my dad's wake up call this morning. He of course called back and I answered- but I just want to crawl into a hole sometimes...
I'm sick of being single, yes it's true... but I'm more sick of being reminded that I'm alone- unintentionally of course. Date night's posted on Facebook, weddings, family road trips.... what am I to do- post about how comfortable my couch is and how I'm glad my DVR never fails me? No, no date night... I just picked up a pack of breadsticks from Hotbox and I'm gonna go to town. Just me. I ate the whole bag... and then I had a bowl of cereal.
I'm sick of feeling like this. I think it's time to call the doctor and see what I can start taking. Since Chantix has now been linked to a higher chance of heart attacks, I think I'm going to try Wellbutrin. It worked wonders while I was in college. I'm also going to talk to her about getting back on Concerta. I need to be able to stay focused at work. I love my job and am willing to do anything it takes to be sure that I stay there. (Plus, the combination really did wonders for my diet, the pounds started melting off)
It's time.

and another thing... while I'm on a roll

Why is it that the person you MOST want to call you, never does? I'm pretty sure that he doesn't know that this blog exists, so if he read it, I'd be shocked and slightly embarrassed for airing my dirty laundry.... but seriously.
We started talking months ago... fishing... he even asked me out. I got nervous and freaked out, couldn't do it. Wasn't ready. Now that I'm ready, he tells me that after I turned him down, he gave up on dating, whether or not that is the truth has not been proven. He's successful, works hard, he's funny, attractive...
I kinda like him- though we haven't met... we've been chatting, texting, for like 6 months... I'm totally ready to meet him, date him, see where it goes, and I get blown off. It's like he did it on purpose to teach me a lesson... and it totally sucks. I've been depressed for 3 days... and worse- I've been staring at my phone... watching it not ring, not receive a text, nothing. I keep turning it off, removing the battery and turning it back on, hoping that I've had some sort of lapse in service... no luck. I'm pathetic.

Leave me alone, I'm lonely

What is it about online dating that is like a drug? I am completely addicted. I love the mystery of "is he, isn't he" the one... and so far, all signs point to no. I've developed a few crushes- put myself out there and get burned every time. I can't say what the last movie I went to in the theater... I think it's coming up on a year... Sitting in a restaurant with someone smiling back at you from the other side- other than a girlfriend of mine... I'm just sick of it. I want someone to spend time with. I don't have to be engaged in 6 months. I don't even expect to be engaged in a year... Yes, I'd like to be married before I'm 35- maybe a kid before I'm too old to start freaking out about my biological clock... (which I already hear ticking in my ear every day) It's depressing. I don't understand why people can judge me before they know me. I don't like that screen names like, "Ilikebigwomen" are the ones that message me. I'm not proud of the weight I've packed on. I'm not proud that that is all I obsess about and worry about... and I'm certainly not happy about the fact that I can't get the motivation to get off my ass because I'm depressed about being alone. I'm in this terrible downward spiral and I can't get out. I know I need help, but I don't know where to turn. I keep telling myself, if I could get rid of this part of me.... then I know I'd be more confident to go to the gym without being paranoid that everyone is staring at me. It's all excuses.
I'm happy on the outside but crying out for help on the inside and too ashamed to admit it- well, not too scared to blog about it I suppose...
I hear these songs:
Almost Lover
Goodbye my almost lover
Goodbye my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?

So long my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache.
Almost lovers always do

And of course....
PINK: Leave Me Alone (I'm Lonely)
Tonight
Go away
Give me a chance to miss you
Leave me alone I'm lonely
Alone I'm lonely
Say goodbye
It'll make me want to kiss you
I'm tired
Go away
Give me a chance to miss you
Leave me alone I'm lonely
Alone I'm lonely

I am lonely. I admit it. I don't want it to be confused with desperate. I still have expectations... I have a quality of a person that I want to be with. Employed; Drug-Free; Not married or separated; Ideally- for selfish reasons, and to avoid arguments with my mother, I'd like him to be Catholic, but that is not a necessity... we can work on that later. I don't mind if he's been divorced, I'm seeing that the pool of single, non-divorced men without children is getting more and more scarce. It's like animals in the Sahara desert looking for water... everyone is going after the same thing. I don't mind if he's already got children... hopefully there's no baby-mama drama... and he's got to want to have kids with me. Just because he's had them already doesn't mean that I don't get the chance to start. I pray that God will bring this person into my life... in some form. I'd like him to like sports, because I want to like sports more than I do. I'd like him to be a non-smoker... because I want to be a non-smoker and could use the support. I'd like him to be attractive (not putting a paper bag on his head for the next 50 years) Come on, is this list of demands too much? Above all, I want him to respect me. Communicate his feelings. Love me and treat me well. I deserve it. I will do the same, with every ounce of my being.
And please, no crazy demands.... I'm a normal person. I hate panty hose and will never wear them for a man. It's sick. Now, I feel like this blog needs to be my personal ad, titled, NO FREAKS.... PLEASE! I'm accepting blind date set-ups. Get a move on people... I turn 31 in a month! I'm not getting any younger.

Absense.... but my heart is not fonder

I'm trying to catch myself from going back to a sad, dark place. I am developing an obsession with trying new recipes... of course, who wants to cook at midnight, but that's a whole nother topic.
I printed off the Couch To 5K training plan, but haven't started it.
I'm in a funk again. I'm sick of dating. I know that I can't expect to find anyone in this funk, feeling and looking the way I am in recent days... I just wish, hope, and pray that God would show me that good men are out there- they're not all slime ball jerks who tell you they love you on the first date... or feel the need to describe, graphically their fetishes... I'm over it. I just want a normal person to breeze through my life. He doesn't have to stay long- if he did that's fine too, but I just need to find my faith in humanity. It's lost. Right now, I see slime, dirty, cheating, lying, scum... after one thing that they're not getting from me.
I'm sick of lies. I'm sick of hearing stories about the men who cheat. I'm sick of hearing bad, stupid stories. I'm sick to death that that is the only kind of story I have to tell. I want my own story with a happy ending.
I'm stepping off the soapbox for a minute, I haven't posted in a while... just haven't felt the urge to write. It happens.
I'm coming up on the 1 year mark since the shit storm hit last August. As a tribute for moving on- I'm going on my first stress-free vacation in about 7 years. (I'm claiming New York City, fall of 2004 as my last vacation... though I could also claim Nashville, June 2004... same year, won't get too technical) I'm very excited to be going out to New Mexico with a great friend and her baby girl, to visit her family. I've never been anywhere in the Southwest. She invited me to come along and I couldn't think of any reason not to go. (yes, the heat in the Southwest in July crossed my mind- but everyone keeps telling me the heat is different, so I'm giving them all the benefit of the doubt and taking a couple extra changes of clothes in case I sweat through everything)
This vacation is all I can think about... its the only thing getting me though from one day to the next. I deserve it. It's a great way to mark the end of this horrible year. Now, if I can drop some weight before I go so I can kick this anxiety in my brain--- me+airplane seat= dry heaves....

Seeing Red

I am so angry right now, I have to get it out of my system. He called my dad today. Told him I've been sending him messages and contacting him. Lies. The only contact that has been made was in regard to the furniture that I got rid of. The only reason that I tried so hard to touch base with him over the armoire, was because he told me if I got rid of it, it would be the last thing I ever did.
I drove home this weekend feeling anxiety- every dark brown small truck, every white Ford Focus, every truck that I thought looked like it belonged to them- I would freak out and panic. When can I start looking forward and stop looking over my shoulder.
When can I know, without a shadow of doubt, that I will never see him again? I fear that this day will only come when he knows nothing about where me and my family live. I'm so stupid to worry. I hate myself for arguing with my parents about him. I hate that it gets to that point. I feel like he's still winning. He's getting what he wants when we're all miserable.
I've been angry since I got the email from him today, "all this bad karma you put out will come back on you and your family"
Who says that except someone with a vendetta against someone else? I tried to explain that these threats are hostile and it makes me nervous. I pull into my space and think- did I leave those lights on, or has someone been here. I examine each piece of furniture, blankets, doors open or closed and think..... was someone here? Did he break in to see the cats. I am paranoid. I know I'm paranoid. I don't want to be paranoid- who would ever want to feel this way day in and day out? It makes me ill.
I really keep thinking to myself, if these threats happen again, I'm getting a baseball bat and taking a road trip to pull a little Carrie Underwood, "Before He Cheats," on his broken down piece-of-crap truck..... hate runs through my veins right now. I'd love nothing more than to:
-dig my key into the side of his (pretty little souped up 4 wheel drive,) poop brown pick-up truck...
-carve my name into his (leather) cloth seats...
-take a Louisville slugger to both headlights, and
-slash a hole in all 4 tires...

because......

Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats. (and lies and threatens me and my family)

Tread Lightly

Anger is flowing rapidly through my blood. I am not quite to the point where I am seeing red but I don't think I am far off...
I have a feeling someone came across my blog and didnt like what he saw...however... It needs to said that these are my opinions and my opinions only. No names are mentioned in this blog for privacy and some respect... Its important to me that you know that.

If you don't like it.... then maybe you should really try to change. Because this blog is a direct consequence for my feelings, emotions, rage..... over the past 5 years.

Amen.

Somebody To Love....

So... Its after midnight and I'm sitting here, (don't make fun) jamming to the soundtrack of Glee. Queen's version of "Somebody To Love" came on and I love it. I feel like that is the anthem to my life right now... since my mother has failed at her 2 blind dates (don't know that she failed, just stopped trying) I'm now reaching out to friends and complete strangers. Someone has to know someone (who knows someone....etc) that has a single friend, that isn't an ass.
"I work hard, every day of my life (not quite till I ache in my bones)
At the end of the day, I take my hard earned pay on my own. I get down on my knees and I start to pray. Somebody- can anybody find me somebody to love? ......... but everybody wants to put me down, they say I'm going crazy.... " Something to that effect.
Yes, I sympathize. Someone actually asked me what I think I have in common with them, besides eating. Definitely can say that I'm getting put down, but not letting it get to me. Trust that I gave him a nasty response to the "what do we have in common besides eating" comment. What a jerk.
I just have to keep the faith. Be patient. And keep bugging everyone that I know to set me up. :)
Since you're reading this.... do you know anyone?

So.... no pics yet?

I'm just an overacheiver today.....
I wanted to post some pics of my favorite things and people.... maybe not people. That may take away from the whole- anonymous thing I'm trying really hard to do... hmmmmm


of course.... the girls, Tigger and Coco.



My kitchen... clean.

The pillows we made together... we being my Mom, Dad and I. It was great bonding experience... but I think we were all ready to be done after about 10 minutes.


The Mother's Day flowers and card that I made for my Mom a few years ago. I was down on my luck and had no money to buy her flowers.... so I did the next best thing. Made them. They're still sitting on her window sill.


The lake. My favorite place.

4 legged babies

So I haven't done much blogging about the fur kids- mainly because I don't want to come across as the crazy cat lady... but seriously... I love 'em.
I love them on all days except the days that they: A)wake me up from a deep sleep to try to play... and B)try to dig for burried treasure in their litter box, thus emptying it onto the floor.
So today was neither one of those days. I had loaded up on some good sleep, and was in fact in bed before 10 pm last night, which happens only on rare exhausted days... which so happens to be yesterday. So I wake up at 8 and lay around until 10... I get up to find the monsters chasing each other through my home, Tigger's tail is poofed out, so she's pissed about something and then- and THEN- Coco goes crashing into my back door. It was slightly humorous, she was running too fast and needed to stop herself so she just hopped up and put all 4 paws onto the door- totally not kidding. She hopped right down- and this is why we call her Coco Monkey... she climbs the walls- but- the scary part about this is the fact that the door she was running into is glass. It is not a sliding glass door, it is a 12 panel glass door. Lots of little glass squares. I freaked out and chased both of them into the front bedroom to teach them a lesson. I must have grown two heads cause Tigger took one look at me and climbed under the futon. Big poofy tail and all. I let them out 3o minutes later- after having a long talk with them about appropriate behavior.
I don't think they listened .

Money talks...

So today, I got paid. It’s not unlike any other payday to an extent. I paid my rent with the last check and I’m paying my utilities with this check. I guess this is just background noise to the fact that I’ve got a pile of medical bills that I was about to burn and do some silly ritualistic money dance in my back yard to pay for---- until finally its coming together.

I guess I should say that I’ve been to the Emergency Room twice this year, and while I had insurance, I’ve been doing this stupid dance with the insurance companies to make sure that I’m getting the correct rates on my medical bills. Finally, 6 months after my first ER visit in November, the situation is straightened out. (no real emergencies- the first visit was related to my stomach issues, the second was related to the fact that I could not breathe)

Last time I had medical bills like this, I ended up filing bankruptcy. I was immature, irresponsible, attached to my ex and unemployed. These factors all equally contributed to the initial filing. I felt embarrassed, ashamed and annoyed that I wasn’t able to take care of myself financially when all this happened. I’d been laid off from my job, had piled up over 10,000 in medical bills, and was having surgery 3 days after I was laid off. It was just not a good time.

Thankfully, the time has passed and I’ve gotten through the hard times, again, with the help of my amazing parents. When these bills started rolling in, of course the first thing my mother said was, “let us know what we can do to help.” I am overjoyed to tell them that I’ve got this on my own this time. I never thought I’d be so happy to spend money on bills in my life. But, I guess when you don’t have something- and suddenly can take care of yourself, its just a good feeling and I want to shout it from the rooftops.

Ok, maybe not from the rooftops, but I am pretty happy. I’m on payment plans for the big chunks, but the others, I will happily be writing checks for tonight. My money may quickly dwindle but- at least I’m taking care of myself. It’s been a long and bumpy road, but I finally feel like I’m really starting to get the hang of this “growing up” thing. Granted, I still giggle like I’m 9, act like I’m 8, and get nervous around cute boys like I’m 13…. But if you add up those ages, it equals 30… which I am, so I guess I’m kind of on the right track.

I also completely feel the need to pass along some friendly advise I gave to an amazingly strong woman going through some hard stuff recently... aside from pleading for her to move to Fishers and stay with me, I feel like I'm also giving her some real advise- from something I'm finally getting a handle on. And I hope she's not upset that I'm sharing my words...
I first advised that she listen to the Sarah Evans song, Stronger. I was told to listen to that song by a very good friend. I'm so glad she did. The song is so true, every day it gets a little easier. I told her that if she drinks her dinner, so what, if she cries, so what- the important thing to realize is that at the moments when you feel that you're so alone you can't stand it- and your screaming at the top of your lungs, begging for someone to hear you- we're all listening and we're all there. And no one will judge her if she continues to speak to the person that broke her heart- but it will be harder and harder the longer you wait to close the door. I can understand hoping to revive love and I'm a definite believer in second chances, however, in my situation, I was on the ledge and I think if I would have given him another chance- everyone would have pushed me off. (no joke- I lost track of the times I've been told that I would have gotten slapped or punched in the face if I would have taken him back... brutal, but necessary- especially from the people that I love the most)
But here's my favorite part and I hope that someone famous reads my words and uses them in a song (only if I get some sort of rights to the song of course)
If you're not ready to close the door right now, that's okay. Leave it open all you want to. No one will judge you for leaving the door open... but remember to close it when you're ready. But the important thing to remember is someday, you may wake up and find that a little breeze blew the door shut for you... and that's okay too.

Fortunately for me, about 30 hands came in and pried the door from my hands.... and one person came in and slammed it shut. It was time. I left it open way too long.

Jar of Hearts

On my recent weekend jaunt to Nashville, Tennessee, while jamming out down 65 South, I heard this song... and fell in love. I heard it again on Glee tonight... and remembered I meant to post it on here-

Jar of Hearts by Christina Perri

I know I can't take one more step towards you
'Cause all that's waiting is regret
And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore?
You lost the love I loved the most

And I learned to live, half-alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart

You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are?

I hear you're asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms

And I learned to live, half-alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart

You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are?

Dear, it took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
Cause you broke all your promises

And now you're back
You don't get to get me back

And who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart

You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

And who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart

You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

Who do you think you are?

Who do you think you are?

Who do you think you are?

Missing piece

So, I started thinking last night about what I miss about having someone in my life. Of course I miss having someone to go to dinner or movies with, the traditional “date night” but there are also so many other things I miss about having someone around.

Running to the grocery late at night for just a couple things- its so nice to come out and see someone driving up to the curb to get you (not just anyone, but your someone…Note: I do not condone getting into cars with strangers, while it may have completely sounded that way)

The typical, “what’d they say” when you’re watching a show. Of course there’s always the rewind on the DVR, but sometimes I don’t want to fool with all of that, just having someone there who is paying a bit more attention than me.

Hugs. Hugs on a bad day. Hugs on a good day.

Someone to reassure you that you look fine, even when the muffin top is particularly protruding on your spring capri pants from last summer…. (yes, I had a moment this morning. The capri’s and I are not on speaking terms, they are balled up, in the corner, of my walk-in closet)

Someone to cook you dinner when you’re home from work late- since I am home from work late every night, I’m thinking of hiring a chef…. Or a good animal trainer to teach the cats how to cook. (kidding--- on both of those)

Someone to look at your tire when you get home from a 5 hour trip in the middle of the night and the tire gauge light has come on, on the dashboard. It has since turned off, I’ve done nothing, but I’m waiting for a blowout.

Someone to laugh with. Someone to talk with.

I know that parts of me are turning into the cat lady, who at 30, has conversations with her four-legged fur babies… but think about it, they don’t talk back. Sometimes that is appreciated more than others… Granted, they do kind of have masculine tendencies… most of the time, when talking to them, you’re talking to the back of their head- as they’re walking away.

I was cooking (lie- I was making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich) the other day and I was staring into my living room…. I could almost picture my Prince Charming sitting out the couch, remote in hand, legs propped up on my footrest. Who is he? No idea… but he better not talk back either, or we’ll have a problem.

Friendships

You know when you're hungry.... and you cannot figure out what to eat, so you find yourself "testing" things to see if it satisfies your urge?
I find myself doing that a lot. So far, chocolate is the only thing that hits the spot... I know Banditos would work- but that won't be for another week and a half. I feel like life is like a big giant refrigerator.
We go through life, finding people that satisfy our cravings- humor, intelligence, honesty, loyalty, supportiveness, reliable, respectable..... its like the carrots, yogurt, cheese, chips, cereal, cookies, ice cream.... of our refrigerator. Today I'm seeking someone loyal- take a look around the "fridge" of life. Throw out the moldy cheese and go shopping for something new.... Its just the same.
I feel like I've been tossed a couple times, I've also done the tossing several times. None of it feels good- same way when we toss out food in the fridge- you know you're thinking, man that sucks, that cost money, now I'm just throwing it away...
Friendships cost time... energy and effort. How do you know when it's time to toss it? When the friend doesn't return your calls? When they aren't there when you need them? When they make decisions you disagree with?
Don't those things build the character of the person that you're friends with---- for the reason that you were friends with them to begin with? For instance, two of my best friends from home- I don't speak to them every day or every week for that matter. One of them has two small children, a stressful job, and a husband... all of which take up a lot of her time. She knows I've got her back any day or night, and I know she's got mine. Luckily, she works mostly third shift, so if I ever call her with a crisis, and she's working- she's up. I love her. She's my family.
Same thing with another one of my friends from home... she recently moved overseas. It's ironic, because when she's here, we don't speak much- but when she's in France, we talk almost every day on Skype. I joke that we speak more now than we have since high school. It's probably not funny to anyone else, but I admire her strength and her independence. She is a true friend because the definition holds true- we don't speak for the longest time, but when we do, it's like no time has passed at all.

Being an only child, I always look to my cousins as though they are my big sisters.... when I pledged Kappa Alpha Theta in college, I had a room of sisters to embrace me on the bad days and laugh with me on the good days. Friends from high school and college seem to be the friendships that I cherish the most. I love watching my closest girlfriends become mothers and wives. It's amazing to me. People that have been there through everything and just... continue to be amazing friends. These women are my family.
I may not have been born with sisters- but I know I have them now.
Lots and lots of them.
Good thing I've got such a big heart- lots of love to go around.

Good, Bad and Ugly...

So this weekend started out just like the phrase says- started out good- no, Great!
A Royal Wedding- which, yes, I watched every second of... but most importantly, a great friend from college and her husband are expecting their first child in June, a baby girl. Her baby shower was Saturday. Naturally, I wanted to help out any way I can. The shower went down without a hitch- and the parents received some amazing gifts.
Saturday night, I went back to a girlfriends place and hung out for a couple hours- still having a great time, though exhausted from watching the Royal Wedding... working the next day... and helping with the shower.
I got up today, like any other day, to the phone ringing. It was my wisest cousin (notice I didn't say oldest) whom I am planning a visit with next weekend. Little did we know, my weekend visit in Nashville is the same weekend as the Kentucky Derby. I do have a bit of anxiety, now, with driving through Louisville on the biggest horse track racing weekend- and hopefully will not get into any traffic... well, any ridiculous dead-stopped on the highway when you have to pee kind of traffic.
So we mapped out when I'm leaving Indy and got it all figured out.
I go in to work today, feeling great- until I got my numbers for the month... which I'm praying are not accurate. I believe I missed making my goal by 0.14 (of a minute). If this is the case, I will surely be devastated.... but will also accept the shortcomings- as they are my fault, and can only improve from here. That's when it turned bad...
Here's where it turned ugly... I got a message back on the dating website, PlentyOfFish.com from a guy that I had messaged. He's 37, never married with no kids... sounds suspicious- maybe a little too good to be true.... well, it turns out, he's a total ass.
His response to me was "Other than eating, what do you think we have in common?"
Immediately, I'm holding back tears.
I'm not proud of the weight I've put on. I hate myself when I look in the mirror, everyone that knows me- knows this. Its incredibly frustrating.... but with that being said, I'm not one of these fattards you see on television playing video games for 20 hours a day. I'm active. I'm mostly happy, (just not with myself) and I'm healthy for the most part as well.... what the hell.
I've been trying to chalk it up to ignorance all day long, but my mom taught me from a young age- if you have nothing nice to say.... SAY NOTHING. Why did he feel the need to rub my fat-ness back into my face. "other than eating..." My first response was "Wow, that was rude" but I wasn't done. It stewed in my brain for another 90 seconds.... I wanted to be mean, but I don't have it in me. So here's what I came up with...
"Just because I feel sorry for your lack of the ability to find someone with a damn... I am not a fat lazy ass with nothing better to do. I am also college educated with an amazing job... I enjoy sports movies and playing cards as well as doing activities in the summer... Being outdoors and traveling. As for anything else we may have in common...we will never know"
I know I didn't really stick-it-to-him like I wanted to... but I hope I got my point across just the same. He hurt my feelings. Bad. I'm still really pissed off about it and I'd like nothing more than to kick him square in the nuts until he feels like I do right now. But.... that won't happen, so I'm going to try my hardest to go to bed tonight, praying for strength... so that I will wake up tomorrow, a better person than I am right now.
I also heard from the ass-tard. He missed his payment on a school loan that my dad helped him get. My dad called him to give a friendly reminder. Apparently he didn't like that- cause he asked me and my parents not to contact him again. I really wanted to tell him that if he wasn't late, he wouldn't have to worry about it.... but I think its good for him to get that "friendly" reminder if he's late again. After all, it's got nothing to do with me, like my dad said... it's a business transaction between the two of them. Don't be late. I'd hate to see my dad angry.

Life Changing

So... I woke up this morning... after my dad scared the hell out of me with a text "call me when you get up" at 8 am.... or something early and equally as insane. Of course, I can't let a text like that go by without calling immediately. I think the conversation went something like this:
>ring, ring<
Dad: hello! (obnoxiously perky)
Me: whats wrong? (sleepy and more than likely, slurred)
Dad: nothing's wrong, why? (still perky)
Me: You said to call. I'm calling.
Dad: I didn't mean to call now, I know you're sleeping.
Me: No emergency?
Dad: No, why?
Me: You said to call. Can I go back to bed?
Dad: Call me when you get up.
Me: But no emergency, everyone is okay, where's mom?
Dad: She's fine go back to bed.

Ok, so. Yeah. Of course, I couldn't go back to bed. My new phone was coming today! I wanted to make sure I heard it when the FedEx man came, so I got my pillow and blanket, and laid down on the couch. Sure enough, an hour and a half later- BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
I almost fell off the couch. I literally rolled off the couch, and ran, almost killing both cats, to the front door. The FedEx man must have known by my lack of real-world clothes (tank top and sweat pants) that I had just gotten up.... or maybe it was the squashed side pony tail that had once rested neatly in the back of my head. But he handed me my phone, and I tried to sign for it with something that looked like my name.
Instantly, it was like I'd slept my full night of sleep, I was exhausted, but I ripped open the box, and started piecing it together. I plugged it in and started exploring. I have no idea what I'm doing and I'm sure that I will log many, many more hours of frustration on the phone- but I can say, I'm warming up to the swipe texting... I've almost got all the contacts transferred over. And so far, so good. I'm now using a Smart Phone.......... that is smarter than the user.

p.s. no communication with the assturd... and it feels strange. I slightly miss him today... maybe cause I cleaned out the litter box, which I hate, hate, hate and he used to do it cause I hate it so much. I hope that's the only reason. shitbox.

Sneak Peek.....

So just a short post tonight... I'm far to pissed off to post much more than something short.
I just watched 16 and Pregnant... I couldn't help but think that I was catching a tiny glimpse into what my future would have been like. The girl's parents and her baby daddy couldn't get along.... at all. He had a ridiculous temper- and I'm pretty sure I had deja vous several times.... of course this isn't verbatum but he said, "they're my kids, not theirs" when he was speaking to his 16 year old girlfriend about the fate of the twins she was carrying.... and his baby's mother's parents.
There was a point when he walked out- right after they had come home from the hospital and her family was coming by to see the twins. The dad just walked out. His twins were like, a few days old... he got upset because there were visitors coming by to show support and love to the babies... and he walked out. He sent the baby's mom a text saying that he would only come by to see the babies if her parent's weren't there (at their home). So a week went by. He didn't try to come see his children. The children he was so adamant about having his last name. So she called him to come see them while her parents were gone one day. He put them into his car to take them to his house so he could be more comfortable.
He was driving erratically, speeding, and ended up throwing the baby's mom out of the car after her mom called. He took off with the kids.
She was pleading to get her kids, she was begging for him to slow down- I remember having moments like this.... not with children involved, but him being behind the wheel and me seeing my life flash before my eyes.
The hatred felt and expressed for my family. The obligation to always make him comfortable... no matter what anyone else felt.
I'm so glad I could see a sneak peek into what I never would have ever wanted for my life. And what it could have been if I would have said, "I do" on July 3, 2010....


I hate to say it, but I'm glad things turned out the way they did.
I know I'm not the only one.

Peaceful Calm

So, I slept amazingly well last night. I can say that for the first time in a while. I didn't go to bed as early as I would have liked, but nonetheless, I was off in dreamland for a good, solid 8 hours.
I have created blogs so many times and only ever posted one or two posts, so bear with the nonsensical posts that have been coming on for the past couple days- while I get into a habit of writing every day- I've never remembered to post- or, been excited to post.

Today is my last day as a non-smart phone user. My new phone will be delivered tomorrow and I cannot wait to get it.

Wouldn't trade the pain... for what I've learned

Today is a good day. Aside from the fact that sleeping was (and has been) a constant challenge. I did finally lay down just before 6 this morning and slept solidly until Tigger began licking my hand at about 11. I managed to toss her out into the living room and shut the bedroom door (of course at that point, I was oblivious to the fact that Coco was still hiding under my bed- she made her appearance soon after) Coco began meowing at about 11:30, my alarm went off at 11:45, and I managed to reset the alarm after both cats were out, for an extra 30 minutes. Unfortunately, one of my girlfriends called and foiled that plan too. After speaking to her, then my parents, I decided to get up and make lunch. I was up and made it in to work on time.

I'm proud to say I haven't given much thought to the dilemmas that I was facing at dawn, but I'm sure they will creep back into my subconscious just in time to keep me awake again tonight.

As for my nutrition today, I had a homemade French bread pizza for lunch- topped with green pepper and pepperoni. I drank a Diet Coke. I had some reduced fat Ruffles for a snack and had Jose Ole Steak and Cheese Chimmichianga (oddly not found in spell checker- my apologies) for dinner. I squeezed an Activia yogurt in there too... just for regularity.

It's a new week and I feel good.

I also feel its necessary to pay homage to my favorite breakup CD. I've practically worn it out since September. Pink: Funhouse. It's definitely not safe for kids- but her message is clear. She was pissed off at her man.

Crystal Ball is by far my favorite song on the album.

Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this
I just need a compass and a willing accomplice
All my doubts that fill my head are skidding up and down again
Up and down and 'round again, down and up and 'round again

Oh, I've had my chances and I've taken them all
Just to end up right back here on the floor
To end up right back here on the floor

Pennies in a well, a million dollars in the fountain of a hotel
Fortune teller that says maybe you will go to hell
But I'm not scared at all
The cracks in the crystal, the cracks in the crystal ball

Sometimes you think everything is wrapped inside a diamond ring
Love just needs a witness and a little forgiveness
And a halo of patience and a less sporadic pace
And I'm learning to be brave in my beautiful mistakes

Oh, I've felt that fire and I, I've been burned
But I wouldn't trade the pain for what I've learned
I wouldn't trade the pain for what I've learned

Pennies in a well, a million dollars in the fountain of a hotel
Fortune teller that says maybe you will go to hell
But I'm not scared at all
Of the cracks in the crystal, the cracks in the crystal ball

Irony, irony, this hate and love, hate and love
What it does to me? What it's done to me? What is done, done?

Pennies in a well, a million dollars in the fountain of a hotel
Broken mirrors and a black cat's cold stare
Walk under ladders on my way to hell, I'll meet you there
But I'm not scared at all, I'm not scared at all
'Bout the cracks in the crystal, the cracks in the crystal ball.

Lessons Learned

So here I go. Back in summer, 2009 my life came to a screeching halt. A big fight with my "someone" left me a lone, with a kicked in bedroom door, crying. The wedding was called off. I had no idea what to do, where to go, or how to get there. I was devastated and lost.
Luckily, I have an amazing family. While I was hiding, embarrassed for letting the breakup cause me to loose what could have been my dream job, my family found me.
My aunt sent me a letter, just to let me know she was thinking about me. Inside the letter, I found a poem. I hung it up immediately. I still have it, framed, in my office.

Comes The Dawn

by Veronica A. Shoffstall

After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning
And company doesn’t mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts
And presents aren’t promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,
And you learn to build all your roads on today,
Because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans,
And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong,
And you really do have worth.
And you learn and learn...
With every goodbye you learn.

That wasn't goodbye. I wasn't ready to accept defeat.
I am now.
Goodbye came on August 13, 2010.
This is my journey with healing, learning, and moving on.

New Beginnings

So, it is almost 5 in the morning, and I find myself awake and thinking.
Please bear with me.
It's been such an exhausting couple of months- and now that all the loose ends are tied, chapters have ended and I'm moving on, I find myself terrified of what is to come.

I am blessed to have a multitude of family and friends in my corner. I've faced the fact that along my journey, I've lost some friends but I've also gained some amazing people in my life. I met a new friend in the past couple of weeks who helped me close this painful chapter in my life once and for all. It's pretty amazing to me how someone can just jump into your life, understand your pain, say that they want to help ---- and do it. I blocked his number in March. I changed my number in April. I packed up the last of his things, rented a storage unit and got it out of my house- and out of my life. The holes in the walls are patched up. The pictures and picture frames are boxed up. The ring.... well, I'm still trying to figure out what to do with that. But it is put away and hasn't seen the light of day for 8 months. That painful chapter of love and loss is over.

Now, I look around my home, my life, and my heart- and the dust is starting to settle. I want to be happy with the person that this trying journey has made me, but I just don't quite think that I'm ready to accept a lot of things.

For one, I don't think that I can accept the fact that I was once so strong and independent, and for a big chunk of my life, became weak and dependent on someone else. I hung on his every word, his decisions, his dreams, and lost sight of my own. This angers and frustrates me.

For two, I was happy 40% of the time.... over the past 5 years. That means that 60% of the time, I was frustrated, hiding, ashamed, hurting, sad, mad, embarrassed. I have no words for the way that this realization makes me feel. I became isolated from friends and family. I avoided doing things that I love, like spending time at the lake because I didn't want to argue. I made him go places with me when he didn't want to go- because I wanted people to be sure and see--- that I was happy, even if there was a pending fight because of it. I wasn't me.

For three, I lost friends. I missed out on important things in other people's lives... and while I wasn't okay with it then, I'm certainly not okay with it now. My heart hurts for the friends that are no longer a part of my life. I miss them. I blamed them. I blamed him. Now, I blame me.

For four, I deceived my family. My parents are the most giving, amazing, loving people in the world. How did I think it was okay for me to hurt them by lying. Those are years of hurt and dishonesty that I cannot get back. Luckily, they are also very understanding.

Finally, I stopped caring about myself. While I am still very active, I'm not as active as I once was. I found myself on a walk very recently, with a great friend and her son. I couldn't keep up. I struggled. It was embarrassing. What happened to me? Why did I let myself go along the way?

I guess I got out of bed this time, because tossing and turning is about as frustrating as it is when I do reach for that "comfort food." The reality of the situation is that I can't turn off my brain. I keep thinking over and over, what I could have done differently.

The comfort food has slowly become my worst enemy. But- I'm typing, not chewing. I'm alert, not sad. I'm present, not hiding. I'm trying, not giving up.

I know I keep talking about the past with my friends. I promise, one day, I will stop rehashing everything. One day, hopefully soon, I will move on to bigger and better topics. For now, please be patient with me. Please know that I appreciate your understanding and your support. Please hear me when I say that I love you all, so much, and would have never been able to get through this without each and every one of you.