I practically woke up shaking my head in disappointment and disbelief... I checked my email before I got out of bed and instantly wanted to crawl back under the covers, and probably would have, had my bladder not felt like it was going to explode. Rather than ruin my new memory foam and humiliating myself... I got up, but wanted nothing more than to crawl into my bed. Luckily I made a commitment to a close family friend that I would help her with her wedding decorations, and I have over 400 paper flowers to make... at least my hands will be busy. Now, all I need is something to occupy my thoughts.
I really feel like I'm supposed to be learning this wonderful lesson from all this crap. I need guidance. I'm clearly too stupid to catch on to what I'm supposed to be getting from all this. I need a job. I want a job. I want to be working. Ideally, yes, I'd like to love what I'm doing but I will take anything. Its been 5 weeks. I'm depressed. I'm lonely and I'm bored.
I don't know what I'm saying in these interviews to turn the people off of me so quickly... I know that all this means is these jobs aren't meant to be... but what job is meant to be? Do I want to move, absolutely not... but I don't see much of a choice if this shitstorm continues.
The sad thing is, I'd rather deal with 100 breakups than deal with this ever, ever again.
Just got off the phone with the matriarch... she says, "so what if you have to break your lease, you have to break your lease" meaning, "its time to move back to ft. wayne"
I know I'd pay a lot less in rent up there... I'd be closer to my parents and family. I love Indy and the support that I have down here from my friends is priceless... really, really mean it.
Looks like the girls and I have some decisions to weigh...
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Return/Exchange Policy
*these are my thoughts. I've had a bad morning. Read with caution. Please note that I am not suicidal. *
I can't think of a better way to describe how I'm feeling deep down inside right now. Great weekend at home, celebrated the upcoming wedding of a very good family friend with a couple of bridal showers... spent great time with my parents and friends.... couldn't have asked for a better weekend.
Today put a hault to all things happy. I'm in a terrible mood, I can't stop crying and the anxiety is boiling up inside me like a pot of fresh cooked pasta, screaming to be removed from the stovetop. I'm screaming to be removed too- but from what, exactly, I don't know.
I just wish I could catch a break. The 7 years since college have been eye-opening, to say the least. The last 5 years have taught me a lot about myself, the person I want to be, and the person I want to be with. The last 2 months... have given me a lot of insight about how I want to spend my time in the future, and the last 2 hours have made me doubt everything in my life including the meaning of gravity and what is keeping me here right now.
I feel like I'm more lost than ever. I'm wondering, aimlessly, with no destination, no map and a timeline that is so up-in-the-air, I can't even see it.
I'm sick of the ride and I want to get off. I've learned what I'm supposed to learn, now I want answers. I want to know what in the world I ever did to deserve this shit. I want to return it, it's the worst gift anyone has ever gotten. Can I send it back to the kitchen, have it re-made? Come on- can't I catch a break? What in the world did I do to deserve this bullshit?
First, I get fired. Ok, I messed up, I can deal with it. I start to second guess E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G... up to and including my career choices, my life choices, my academic choices... everything. All I come up with, my dad was right and I should have stayed at Butler. (granted, I wouldn't have met any of my close friends from BSU-- but we would have crossed paths at some point, right?)
So I apply for jobs at Butler, hoping to be hired, so I can be re-admitted and work on getting some kind of degree from there... God knows I can't afford the tuition on my own without a break of some sort... and of course, it's the job I don't hear anything from. I can handle that.
I have word vomit in an interview and the rejection letters/emails start pouring in. "We've decided to hire someone whose qualifications better meet our needs."
I like to call them the "fuck-you" letters.... granted, I'd rather get the fuck-you letter than no letter at all... but they do start to weigh on you mentally and emotionally after (let's say) the 5th one... you start to doubt yourself, doubt your purpose, doubt your experience... everything.
So... then I get the phone call today that has set all of this in motion- and really, really making me second guess canceling my therapy session last week... (if I had the $150/hr to pay him, I wouldn't have cancelled... but I have no job, therefore no money... and no other choice)
Indiana Department of Workforce Development calls... asking me why I resigned my position. They have a paper, signed stating that I gave my 2 weeks notice, resigned my position because of a change in my school status. I say over and over and over that this did not happen, I did not resign, I did not give 2 weeks notice, and I did not have any change in my education. Finally, 20 minutes into the conversation, she's still calling me Kathryn- so I ask her to call me Katie. She asks if I've ever gone by any other names. She asks what my name is- she confirms that my name is NOT Brittany. She asks if I know anyone named Brittany. She says they sent them the wrong paperwork. Somewhere in the middle of trying to get this straight-- I admit that I am on a performance improvement plan. After she has discovered that I am, in fact, NOT Brittany who resigned and gave her 2 weeks notice, she states that if they did everything they could to warn me that my job was in jeopardy, I will most likely not get unemployment.
So now, you've caused me to have a mental breakdown, straight-called me by someone else's name, unloaded mis-information and identity fraud.... and told me that I'm not going to see a dime.
I'm hyperventilating. I'm hysterical. I'm crying my eyes out.
I loved my job. I wanted to keep my job. I would have done anything I could to not loose my job. Why can't I catch a break? What have I done to piss off the universe SOOO much that bad things keep happening?
I can't even pay my bills. I hate asking for help. I've never felt so alone and pathetic in my entire life. I'm already dealing with depression. I am emotionally unstable. I am in therapy for having come out of a domestic relationship a year ago. Now, I have no purpose. I'm helping friends with things in their lives, to give myself a purpose. I have to drag myself out of bed each day. I have to convince myself to bathe. I make myself open the blinds, only to regret it. I want to sit in seclusion. I want to be in the dark. I want to cry.
So I cry. I cry every day.
I want to get off this ride. I'm sick of feeling so pathetic. I'm sick of being a disappointment. I want to be happy. I want to have a reason to be here. I want to be proud of what I'm doing in life. I'm a good person. Why can't I catch a break? Why can't someone look past all the bullshit and see me for what I am? I'm a hard-working, passionate, happy, driven person. I'm creative. I'm happy. I'm spunky. I will do anything for anyone. I'm lovable.
I am who I am. I want to return the card I've been dealt. I want a re-do.
I can't think of a better way to describe how I'm feeling deep down inside right now. Great weekend at home, celebrated the upcoming wedding of a very good family friend with a couple of bridal showers... spent great time with my parents and friends.... couldn't have asked for a better weekend.
Today put a hault to all things happy. I'm in a terrible mood, I can't stop crying and the anxiety is boiling up inside me like a pot of fresh cooked pasta, screaming to be removed from the stovetop. I'm screaming to be removed too- but from what, exactly, I don't know.
I just wish I could catch a break. The 7 years since college have been eye-opening, to say the least. The last 5 years have taught me a lot about myself, the person I want to be, and the person I want to be with. The last 2 months... have given me a lot of insight about how I want to spend my time in the future, and the last 2 hours have made me doubt everything in my life including the meaning of gravity and what is keeping me here right now.
I feel like I'm more lost than ever. I'm wondering, aimlessly, with no destination, no map and a timeline that is so up-in-the-air, I can't even see it.
I'm sick of the ride and I want to get off. I've learned what I'm supposed to learn, now I want answers. I want to know what in the world I ever did to deserve this shit. I want to return it, it's the worst gift anyone has ever gotten. Can I send it back to the kitchen, have it re-made? Come on- can't I catch a break? What in the world did I do to deserve this bullshit?
First, I get fired. Ok, I messed up, I can deal with it. I start to second guess E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G... up to and including my career choices, my life choices, my academic choices... everything. All I come up with, my dad was right and I should have stayed at Butler. (granted, I wouldn't have met any of my close friends from BSU-- but we would have crossed paths at some point, right?)
So I apply for jobs at Butler, hoping to be hired, so I can be re-admitted and work on getting some kind of degree from there... God knows I can't afford the tuition on my own without a break of some sort... and of course, it's the job I don't hear anything from. I can handle that.
I have word vomit in an interview and the rejection letters/emails start pouring in. "We've decided to hire someone whose qualifications better meet our needs."
I like to call them the "fuck-you" letters.... granted, I'd rather get the fuck-you letter than no letter at all... but they do start to weigh on you mentally and emotionally after (let's say) the 5th one... you start to doubt yourself, doubt your purpose, doubt your experience... everything.
So... then I get the phone call today that has set all of this in motion- and really, really making me second guess canceling my therapy session last week... (if I had the $150/hr to pay him, I wouldn't have cancelled... but I have no job, therefore no money... and no other choice)
Indiana Department of Workforce Development calls... asking me why I resigned my position. They have a paper, signed stating that I gave my 2 weeks notice, resigned my position because of a change in my school status. I say over and over and over that this did not happen, I did not resign, I did not give 2 weeks notice, and I did not have any change in my education. Finally, 20 minutes into the conversation, she's still calling me Kathryn- so I ask her to call me Katie. She asks if I've ever gone by any other names. She asks what my name is- she confirms that my name is NOT Brittany. She asks if I know anyone named Brittany. She says they sent them the wrong paperwork. Somewhere in the middle of trying to get this straight-- I admit that I am on a performance improvement plan. After she has discovered that I am, in fact, NOT Brittany who resigned and gave her 2 weeks notice, she states that if they did everything they could to warn me that my job was in jeopardy, I will most likely not get unemployment.
So now, you've caused me to have a mental breakdown, straight-called me by someone else's name, unloaded mis-information and identity fraud.... and told me that I'm not going to see a dime.
I'm hyperventilating. I'm hysterical. I'm crying my eyes out.
I loved my job. I wanted to keep my job. I would have done anything I could to not loose my job. Why can't I catch a break? What have I done to piss off the universe SOOO much that bad things keep happening?
I can't even pay my bills. I hate asking for help. I've never felt so alone and pathetic in my entire life. I'm already dealing with depression. I am emotionally unstable. I am in therapy for having come out of a domestic relationship a year ago. Now, I have no purpose. I'm helping friends with things in their lives, to give myself a purpose. I have to drag myself out of bed each day. I have to convince myself to bathe. I make myself open the blinds, only to regret it. I want to sit in seclusion. I want to be in the dark. I want to cry.
So I cry. I cry every day.
I want to get off this ride. I'm sick of feeling so pathetic. I'm sick of being a disappointment. I want to be happy. I want to have a reason to be here. I want to be proud of what I'm doing in life. I'm a good person. Why can't I catch a break? Why can't someone look past all the bullshit and see me for what I am? I'm a hard-working, passionate, happy, driven person. I'm creative. I'm happy. I'm spunky. I will do anything for anyone. I'm lovable.
I am who I am. I want to return the card I've been dealt. I want a re-do.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
New Experiences Make Us Stronger
So tonight, I experienced my first group therapy session. If you are in need of therapy- I strongly suggest Family Tree Counseling. It's been one of the best choices I've made.
As scared as I was to open up to a room of strangers, I have to say that the session was amazing. The women in group were accepting, understanding and encouraging. I felt great when I left.
When I mentioned the ex and his current dating choices (he's 32, she's 18, they've known each other for 4 days and already spazzing on each other) I was told to keep a quote in my head and in my heart:
Truly powerful people don't try to explain why they need respect, they just don't engage with people who do not give it to them. -Sherry Argov
It is clear to me that his divulging of useless information to me, is his way of continuing to hurt me. I'm putting my foot down, and I'm not going to stand for it anymore. It didn't make me mad or jealous, but it made me embarrassed. It made me feel like I'd spent almost 5 years with a stranger who made me feel terrible about myself.
I'm codependent and I'm beginning to understand the importance of recovery. I'm dealing with abandonment issues every day. I'm not a failure, but the recent changes in my life sure do have me on the edge of feeling like I'm nothing but a screw-up. I'm dealing with other dark scary truths as well... but I know I'm strong enough to be able to work though them with the help of some strong supporters.
As scared as I was to open up to a room of strangers, I have to say that the session was amazing. The women in group were accepting, understanding and encouraging. I felt great when I left.
When I mentioned the ex and his current dating choices (he's 32, she's 18, they've known each other for 4 days and already spazzing on each other) I was told to keep a quote in my head and in my heart:
Truly powerful people don't try to explain why they need respect, they just don't engage with people who do not give it to them. -Sherry Argov
It is clear to me that his divulging of useless information to me, is his way of continuing to hurt me. I'm putting my foot down, and I'm not going to stand for it anymore. It didn't make me mad or jealous, but it made me embarrassed. It made me feel like I'd spent almost 5 years with a stranger who made me feel terrible about myself.
I'm codependent and I'm beginning to understand the importance of recovery. I'm dealing with abandonment issues every day. I'm not a failure, but the recent changes in my life sure do have me on the edge of feeling like I'm nothing but a screw-up. I'm dealing with other dark scary truths as well... but I know I'm strong enough to be able to work though them with the help of some strong supporters.
Stressed
So... I'm beginning to feel overwhelmed by a lot of things, not having a job, starting group therapy, being overly bored and alone... and not having anyone to go to events with.
I really understand that with the therapy and recovery, I'm not ready to start a relationship with anyone, but it would sure be nice to have a guy friend to date... maybe not even date... I have a wedding in 1 month and I don't want to show up alone. I'm absolutely freaking out, loosing sleep and just getting anxious about the whole thing. Makes me feel more and more alone, knowing that I will be going alone--- well, no- I'm 31 and will be going with my parents. It's pathetic.
Why is it that we feel that we have to have someone by our sides to let us know that we're alone- when in reality, I know I'm not alone and have some of the best friends a girl could ask for... but I still need a man to make me feel like I've got someone.
Why is it that the above question started out as a general statement then changed into a direct question about me?
Why does this make me feel like I'm not good enough- for anyone? It's the wedding of one of the most important people in my life... family without sharing blood... I should be happy for him, not worried about me.
Why is this consuming my thoughts?
I really understand that with the therapy and recovery, I'm not ready to start a relationship with anyone, but it would sure be nice to have a guy friend to date... maybe not even date... I have a wedding in 1 month and I don't want to show up alone. I'm absolutely freaking out, loosing sleep and just getting anxious about the whole thing. Makes me feel more and more alone, knowing that I will be going alone--- well, no- I'm 31 and will be going with my parents. It's pathetic.
Why is it that we feel that we have to have someone by our sides to let us know that we're alone- when in reality, I know I'm not alone and have some of the best friends a girl could ask for... but I still need a man to make me feel like I've got someone.
Why is it that the above question started out as a general statement then changed into a direct question about me?
Why does this make me feel like I'm not good enough- for anyone? It's the wedding of one of the most important people in my life... family without sharing blood... I should be happy for him, not worried about me.
Why is this consuming my thoughts?
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