So... I woke up this morning... after my dad scared the hell out of me with a text "call me when you get up" at 8 am.... or something early and equally as insane. Of course, I can't let a text like that go by without calling immediately. I think the conversation went something like this:
>ring, ring<
Dad: hello! (obnoxiously perky)
Me: whats wrong? (sleepy and more than likely, slurred)
Dad: nothing's wrong, why? (still perky)
Me: You said to call. I'm calling.
Dad: I didn't mean to call now, I know you're sleeping.
Me: No emergency?
Dad: No, why?
Me: You said to call. Can I go back to bed?
Dad: Call me when you get up.
Me: But no emergency, everyone is okay, where's mom?
Dad: She's fine go back to bed.
Ok, so. Yeah. Of course, I couldn't go back to bed. My new phone was coming today! I wanted to make sure I heard it when the FedEx man came, so I got my pillow and blanket, and laid down on the couch. Sure enough, an hour and a half later- BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
I almost fell off the couch. I literally rolled off the couch, and ran, almost killing both cats, to the front door. The FedEx man must have known by my lack of real-world clothes (tank top and sweat pants) that I had just gotten up.... or maybe it was the squashed side pony tail that had once rested neatly in the back of my head. But he handed me my phone, and I tried to sign for it with something that looked like my name.
Instantly, it was like I'd slept my full night of sleep, I was exhausted, but I ripped open the box, and started piecing it together. I plugged it in and started exploring. I have no idea what I'm doing and I'm sure that I will log many, many more hours of frustration on the phone- but I can say, I'm warming up to the swipe texting... I've almost got all the contacts transferred over. And so far, so good. I'm now using a Smart Phone.......... that is smarter than the user.
p.s. no communication with the assturd... and it feels strange. I slightly miss him today... maybe cause I cleaned out the litter box, which I hate, hate, hate and he used to do it cause I hate it so much. I hope that's the only reason. shitbox.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Sneak Peek.....
So just a short post tonight... I'm far to pissed off to post much more than something short.
I just watched 16 and Pregnant... I couldn't help but think that I was catching a tiny glimpse into what my future would have been like. The girl's parents and her baby daddy couldn't get along.... at all. He had a ridiculous temper- and I'm pretty sure I had deja vous several times.... of course this isn't verbatum but he said, "they're my kids, not theirs" when he was speaking to his 16 year old girlfriend about the fate of the twins she was carrying.... and his baby's mother's parents.
There was a point when he walked out- right after they had come home from the hospital and her family was coming by to see the twins. The dad just walked out. His twins were like, a few days old... he got upset because there were visitors coming by to show support and love to the babies... and he walked out. He sent the baby's mom a text saying that he would only come by to see the babies if her parent's weren't there (at their home). So a week went by. He didn't try to come see his children. The children he was so adamant about having his last name. So she called him to come see them while her parents were gone one day. He put them into his car to take them to his house so he could be more comfortable.
He was driving erratically, speeding, and ended up throwing the baby's mom out of the car after her mom called. He took off with the kids.
She was pleading to get her kids, she was begging for him to slow down- I remember having moments like this.... not with children involved, but him being behind the wheel and me seeing my life flash before my eyes.
The hatred felt and expressed for my family. The obligation to always make him comfortable... no matter what anyone else felt.
I'm so glad I could see a sneak peek into what I never would have ever wanted for my life. And what it could have been if I would have said, "I do" on July 3, 2010....
I hate to say it, but I'm glad things turned out the way they did.
I know I'm not the only one.
I just watched 16 and Pregnant... I couldn't help but think that I was catching a tiny glimpse into what my future would have been like. The girl's parents and her baby daddy couldn't get along.... at all. He had a ridiculous temper- and I'm pretty sure I had deja vous several times.... of course this isn't verbatum but he said, "they're my kids, not theirs" when he was speaking to his 16 year old girlfriend about the fate of the twins she was carrying.... and his baby's mother's parents.
There was a point when he walked out- right after they had come home from the hospital and her family was coming by to see the twins. The dad just walked out. His twins were like, a few days old... he got upset because there were visitors coming by to show support and love to the babies... and he walked out. He sent the baby's mom a text saying that he would only come by to see the babies if her parent's weren't there (at their home). So a week went by. He didn't try to come see his children. The children he was so adamant about having his last name. So she called him to come see them while her parents were gone one day. He put them into his car to take them to his house so he could be more comfortable.
He was driving erratically, speeding, and ended up throwing the baby's mom out of the car after her mom called. He took off with the kids.
She was pleading to get her kids, she was begging for him to slow down- I remember having moments like this.... not with children involved, but him being behind the wheel and me seeing my life flash before my eyes.
The hatred felt and expressed for my family. The obligation to always make him comfortable... no matter what anyone else felt.
I'm so glad I could see a sneak peek into what I never would have ever wanted for my life. And what it could have been if I would have said, "I do" on July 3, 2010....
I hate to say it, but I'm glad things turned out the way they did.
I know I'm not the only one.
Peaceful Calm
So, I slept amazingly well last night. I can say that for the first time in a while. I didn't go to bed as early as I would have liked, but nonetheless, I was off in dreamland for a good, solid 8 hours.
I have created blogs so many times and only ever posted one or two posts, so bear with the nonsensical posts that have been coming on for the past couple days- while I get into a habit of writing every day- I've never remembered to post- or, been excited to post.
Today is my last day as a non-smart phone user. My new phone will be delivered tomorrow and I cannot wait to get it.
I have created blogs so many times and only ever posted one or two posts, so bear with the nonsensical posts that have been coming on for the past couple days- while I get into a habit of writing every day- I've never remembered to post- or, been excited to post.
Today is my last day as a non-smart phone user. My new phone will be delivered tomorrow and I cannot wait to get it.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Wouldn't trade the pain... for what I've learned
Today is a good day. Aside from the fact that sleeping was (and has been) a constant challenge. I did finally lay down just before 6 this morning and slept solidly until Tigger began licking my hand at about 11. I managed to toss her out into the living room and shut the bedroom door (of course at that point, I was oblivious to the fact that Coco was still hiding under my bed- she made her appearance soon after) Coco began meowing at about 11:30, my alarm went off at 11:45, and I managed to reset the alarm after both cats were out, for an extra 30 minutes. Unfortunately, one of my girlfriends called and foiled that plan too. After speaking to her, then my parents, I decided to get up and make lunch. I was up and made it in to work on time.
I'm proud to say I haven't given much thought to the dilemmas that I was facing at dawn, but I'm sure they will creep back into my subconscious just in time to keep me awake again tonight.
As for my nutrition today, I had a homemade French bread pizza for lunch- topped with green pepper and pepperoni. I drank a Diet Coke. I had some reduced fat Ruffles for a snack and had Jose Ole Steak and Cheese Chimmichianga (oddly not found in spell checker- my apologies) for dinner. I squeezed an Activia yogurt in there too... just for regularity.
It's a new week and I feel good.
I also feel its necessary to pay homage to my favorite breakup CD. I've practically worn it out since September. Pink: Funhouse. It's definitely not safe for kids- but her message is clear. She was pissed off at her man.
Crystal Ball is by far my favorite song on the album.
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this
I just need a compass and a willing accomplice
All my doubts that fill my head are skidding up and down again
Up and down and 'round again, down and up and 'round again
Oh, I've had my chances and I've taken them all
Just to end up right back here on the floor
To end up right back here on the floor
Pennies in a well, a million dollars in the fountain of a hotel
Fortune teller that says maybe you will go to hell
But I'm not scared at all
The cracks in the crystal, the cracks in the crystal ball
Sometimes you think everything is wrapped inside a diamond ring
Love just needs a witness and a little forgiveness
And a halo of patience and a less sporadic pace
And I'm learning to be brave in my beautiful mistakes
Oh, I've felt that fire and I, I've been burned
But I wouldn't trade the pain for what I've learned
I wouldn't trade the pain for what I've learned
Pennies in a well, a million dollars in the fountain of a hotel
Fortune teller that says maybe you will go to hell
But I'm not scared at all
Of the cracks in the crystal, the cracks in the crystal ball
Irony, irony, this hate and love, hate and love
What it does to me? What it's done to me? What is done, done?
Pennies in a well, a million dollars in the fountain of a hotel
Broken mirrors and a black cat's cold stare
Walk under ladders on my way to hell, I'll meet you there
But I'm not scared at all, I'm not scared at all
'Bout the cracks in the crystal, the cracks in the crystal ball.
I'm proud to say I haven't given much thought to the dilemmas that I was facing at dawn, but I'm sure they will creep back into my subconscious just in time to keep me awake again tonight.
As for my nutrition today, I had a homemade French bread pizza for lunch- topped with green pepper and pepperoni. I drank a Diet Coke. I had some reduced fat Ruffles for a snack and had Jose Ole Steak and Cheese Chimmichianga (oddly not found in spell checker- my apologies) for dinner. I squeezed an Activia yogurt in there too... just for regularity.
It's a new week and I feel good.
I also feel its necessary to pay homage to my favorite breakup CD. I've practically worn it out since September. Pink: Funhouse. It's definitely not safe for kids- but her message is clear. She was pissed off at her man.
Crystal Ball is by far my favorite song on the album.
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this
I just need a compass and a willing accomplice
All my doubts that fill my head are skidding up and down again
Up and down and 'round again, down and up and 'round again
Oh, I've had my chances and I've taken them all
Just to end up right back here on the floor
To end up right back here on the floor
Pennies in a well, a million dollars in the fountain of a hotel
Fortune teller that says maybe you will go to hell
But I'm not scared at all
The cracks in the crystal, the cracks in the crystal ball
Sometimes you think everything is wrapped inside a diamond ring
Love just needs a witness and a little forgiveness
And a halo of patience and a less sporadic pace
And I'm learning to be brave in my beautiful mistakes
Oh, I've felt that fire and I, I've been burned
But I wouldn't trade the pain for what I've learned
I wouldn't trade the pain for what I've learned
Pennies in a well, a million dollars in the fountain of a hotel
Fortune teller that says maybe you will go to hell
But I'm not scared at all
Of the cracks in the crystal, the cracks in the crystal ball
Irony, irony, this hate and love, hate and love
What it does to me? What it's done to me? What is done, done?
Pennies in a well, a million dollars in the fountain of a hotel
Broken mirrors and a black cat's cold stare
Walk under ladders on my way to hell, I'll meet you there
But I'm not scared at all, I'm not scared at all
'Bout the cracks in the crystal, the cracks in the crystal ball.
Lessons Learned
So here I go. Back in summer, 2009 my life came to a screeching halt. A big fight with my "someone" left me a lone, with a kicked in bedroom door, crying. The wedding was called off. I had no idea what to do, where to go, or how to get there. I was devastated and lost.
Luckily, I have an amazing family. While I was hiding, embarrassed for letting the breakup cause me to loose what could have been my dream job, my family found me.
My aunt sent me a letter, just to let me know she was thinking about me. Inside the letter, I found a poem. I hung it up immediately. I still have it, framed, in my office.
Luckily, I have an amazing family. While I was hiding, embarrassed for letting the breakup cause me to loose what could have been my dream job, my family found me.
My aunt sent me a letter, just to let me know she was thinking about me. Inside the letter, I found a poem. I hung it up immediately. I still have it, framed, in my office.
Comes The Dawn
by Veronica A. Shoffstall
After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning
And company doesn’t mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts
And presents aren’t promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,
And you learn to build all your roads on today,
Because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans,
And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong,
And you really do have worth.
And you learn and learn...
With every goodbye you learn.
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning
And company doesn’t mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts
And presents aren’t promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,
And you learn to build all your roads on today,
Because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans,
And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong,
And you really do have worth.
And you learn and learn...
With every goodbye you learn.
That wasn't goodbye. I wasn't ready to accept defeat.
I am now.
Goodbye came on August 13, 2010.
This is my journey with healing, learning, and moving on.
I am now.
Goodbye came on August 13, 2010.
This is my journey with healing, learning, and moving on.
New Beginnings
So, it is almost 5 in the morning, and I find myself awake and thinking.
Please bear with me.
It's been such an exhausting couple of months- and now that all the loose ends are tied, chapters have ended and I'm moving on, I find myself terrified of what is to come.
I am blessed to have a multitude of family and friends in my corner. I've faced the fact that along my journey, I've lost some friends but I've also gained some amazing people in my life. I met a new friend in the past couple of weeks who helped me close this painful chapter in my life once and for all. It's pretty amazing to me how someone can just jump into your life, understand your pain, say that they want to help ---- and do it. I blocked his number in March. I changed my number in April. I packed up the last of his things, rented a storage unit and got it out of my house- and out of my life. The holes in the walls are patched up. The pictures and picture frames are boxed up. The ring.... well, I'm still trying to figure out what to do with that. But it is put away and hasn't seen the light of day for 8 months. That painful chapter of love and loss is over.
Now, I look around my home, my life, and my heart- and the dust is starting to settle. I want to be happy with the person that this trying journey has made me, but I just don't quite think that I'm ready to accept a lot of things.
For one, I don't think that I can accept the fact that I was once so strong and independent, and for a big chunk of my life, became weak and dependent on someone else. I hung on his every word, his decisions, his dreams, and lost sight of my own. This angers and frustrates me.
For two, I was happy 40% of the time.... over the past 5 years. That means that 60% of the time, I was frustrated, hiding, ashamed, hurting, sad, mad, embarrassed. I have no words for the way that this realization makes me feel. I became isolated from friends and family. I avoided doing things that I love, like spending time at the lake because I didn't want to argue. I made him go places with me when he didn't want to go- because I wanted people to be sure and see--- that I was happy, even if there was a pending fight because of it. I wasn't me.
For three, I lost friends. I missed out on important things in other people's lives... and while I wasn't okay with it then, I'm certainly not okay with it now. My heart hurts for the friends that are no longer a part of my life. I miss them. I blamed them. I blamed him. Now, I blame me.
For four, I deceived my family. My parents are the most giving, amazing, loving people in the world. How did I think it was okay for me to hurt them by lying. Those are years of hurt and dishonesty that I cannot get back. Luckily, they are also very understanding.
Finally, I stopped caring about myself. While I am still very active, I'm not as active as I once was. I found myself on a walk very recently, with a great friend and her son. I couldn't keep up. I struggled. It was embarrassing. What happened to me? Why did I let myself go along the way?
I guess I got out of bed this time, because tossing and turning is about as frustrating as it is when I do reach for that "comfort food." The reality of the situation is that I can't turn off my brain. I keep thinking over and over, what I could have done differently.
The comfort food has slowly become my worst enemy. But- I'm typing, not chewing. I'm alert, not sad. I'm present, not hiding. I'm trying, not giving up.
I know I keep talking about the past with my friends. I promise, one day, I will stop rehashing everything. One day, hopefully soon, I will move on to bigger and better topics. For now, please be patient with me. Please know that I appreciate your understanding and your support. Please hear me when I say that I love you all, so much, and would have never been able to get through this without each and every one of you.
Please bear with me.
It's been such an exhausting couple of months- and now that all the loose ends are tied, chapters have ended and I'm moving on, I find myself terrified of what is to come.
I am blessed to have a multitude of family and friends in my corner. I've faced the fact that along my journey, I've lost some friends but I've also gained some amazing people in my life. I met a new friend in the past couple of weeks who helped me close this painful chapter in my life once and for all. It's pretty amazing to me how someone can just jump into your life, understand your pain, say that they want to help ---- and do it. I blocked his number in March. I changed my number in April. I packed up the last of his things, rented a storage unit and got it out of my house- and out of my life. The holes in the walls are patched up. The pictures and picture frames are boxed up. The ring.... well, I'm still trying to figure out what to do with that. But it is put away and hasn't seen the light of day for 8 months. That painful chapter of love and loss is over.
Now, I look around my home, my life, and my heart- and the dust is starting to settle. I want to be happy with the person that this trying journey has made me, but I just don't quite think that I'm ready to accept a lot of things.
For one, I don't think that I can accept the fact that I was once so strong and independent, and for a big chunk of my life, became weak and dependent on someone else. I hung on his every word, his decisions, his dreams, and lost sight of my own. This angers and frustrates me.
For two, I was happy 40% of the time.... over the past 5 years. That means that 60% of the time, I was frustrated, hiding, ashamed, hurting, sad, mad, embarrassed. I have no words for the way that this realization makes me feel. I became isolated from friends and family. I avoided doing things that I love, like spending time at the lake because I didn't want to argue. I made him go places with me when he didn't want to go- because I wanted people to be sure and see--- that I was happy, even if there was a pending fight because of it. I wasn't me.
For three, I lost friends. I missed out on important things in other people's lives... and while I wasn't okay with it then, I'm certainly not okay with it now. My heart hurts for the friends that are no longer a part of my life. I miss them. I blamed them. I blamed him. Now, I blame me.
For four, I deceived my family. My parents are the most giving, amazing, loving people in the world. How did I think it was okay for me to hurt them by lying. Those are years of hurt and dishonesty that I cannot get back. Luckily, they are also very understanding.
Finally, I stopped caring about myself. While I am still very active, I'm not as active as I once was. I found myself on a walk very recently, with a great friend and her son. I couldn't keep up. I struggled. It was embarrassing. What happened to me? Why did I let myself go along the way?
I guess I got out of bed this time, because tossing and turning is about as frustrating as it is when I do reach for that "comfort food." The reality of the situation is that I can't turn off my brain. I keep thinking over and over, what I could have done differently.
The comfort food has slowly become my worst enemy. But- I'm typing, not chewing. I'm alert, not sad. I'm present, not hiding. I'm trying, not giving up.
I know I keep talking about the past with my friends. I promise, one day, I will stop rehashing everything. One day, hopefully soon, I will move on to bigger and better topics. For now, please be patient with me. Please know that I appreciate your understanding and your support. Please hear me when I say that I love you all, so much, and would have never been able to get through this without each and every one of you.
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