New Beginnings

So, it is almost 5 in the morning, and I find myself awake and thinking.
Please bear with me.
It's been such an exhausting couple of months- and now that all the loose ends are tied, chapters have ended and I'm moving on, I find myself terrified of what is to come.

I am blessed to have a multitude of family and friends in my corner. I've faced the fact that along my journey, I've lost some friends but I've also gained some amazing people in my life. I met a new friend in the past couple of weeks who helped me close this painful chapter in my life once and for all. It's pretty amazing to me how someone can just jump into your life, understand your pain, say that they want to help ---- and do it. I blocked his number in March. I changed my number in April. I packed up the last of his things, rented a storage unit and got it out of my house- and out of my life. The holes in the walls are patched up. The pictures and picture frames are boxed up. The ring.... well, I'm still trying to figure out what to do with that. But it is put away and hasn't seen the light of day for 8 months. That painful chapter of love and loss is over.

Now, I look around my home, my life, and my heart- and the dust is starting to settle. I want to be happy with the person that this trying journey has made me, but I just don't quite think that I'm ready to accept a lot of things.

For one, I don't think that I can accept the fact that I was once so strong and independent, and for a big chunk of my life, became weak and dependent on someone else. I hung on his every word, his decisions, his dreams, and lost sight of my own. This angers and frustrates me.

For two, I was happy 40% of the time.... over the past 5 years. That means that 60% of the time, I was frustrated, hiding, ashamed, hurting, sad, mad, embarrassed. I have no words for the way that this realization makes me feel. I became isolated from friends and family. I avoided doing things that I love, like spending time at the lake because I didn't want to argue. I made him go places with me when he didn't want to go- because I wanted people to be sure and see--- that I was happy, even if there was a pending fight because of it. I wasn't me.

For three, I lost friends. I missed out on important things in other people's lives... and while I wasn't okay with it then, I'm certainly not okay with it now. My heart hurts for the friends that are no longer a part of my life. I miss them. I blamed them. I blamed him. Now, I blame me.

For four, I deceived my family. My parents are the most giving, amazing, loving people in the world. How did I think it was okay for me to hurt them by lying. Those are years of hurt and dishonesty that I cannot get back. Luckily, they are also very understanding.

Finally, I stopped caring about myself. While I am still very active, I'm not as active as I once was. I found myself on a walk very recently, with a great friend and her son. I couldn't keep up. I struggled. It was embarrassing. What happened to me? Why did I let myself go along the way?

I guess I got out of bed this time, because tossing and turning is about as frustrating as it is when I do reach for that "comfort food." The reality of the situation is that I can't turn off my brain. I keep thinking over and over, what I could have done differently.

The comfort food has slowly become my worst enemy. But- I'm typing, not chewing. I'm alert, not sad. I'm present, not hiding. I'm trying, not giving up.

I know I keep talking about the past with my friends. I promise, one day, I will stop rehashing everything. One day, hopefully soon, I will move on to bigger and better topics. For now, please be patient with me. Please know that I appreciate your understanding and your support. Please hear me when I say that I love you all, so much, and would have never been able to get through this without each and every one of you.