So... I made the decision to take charge of where my life is going. It wasn't going down the happy path, that's for sure. These last two weeks have brought ups and downs, kinda making me car-sick... I missed him last week. I missed him making me laugh, and it kinda sucks cause now thinking that I missed him making me laugh and being there for me when I was having a bad day. Thinking about it makes a tiny piece of me miss him again...
This weekend was great! I got to spend time with my amazing parents who met me in Anderson. We had dinner (sooo not on the diet plan) and then ran some errands. So good to see them, but only seeing them a few times a month really, really makes me miss them. (deep breath.... cause I got all teary eyed) They really are the two most amazing people in my life. I don't know where I'd be if they weren't the strong, supportive, loving people that they are.
I also got to see my other supporter.... my cousin and Godmother was visiting for the weekend from Tennessee. She just kept saying how proud she is and how far I've come. It's not easy to hear good things some times...
New schedules started at work today, I'm so happy to be off of work while the sun is still in the sky- though I didn't enjoy the sun at all, knowing that I'm home before the moon and stars are out just feels good.
I'm on a plane, on vacation in 9 days. I can't wait. Though I'm starting to have anxiety about having to ask for a seatbelt extender on the airplane. Something I swore I'd never do (I also said I'd never get bigger than the sizes at Old Navy-- then they started their Women's Plus sizes, which accommodated me, so I didn't TECHNICALLY break that rule)
I went swimming this weekend- I love the water. I swear, someday, I will own a pool. I was amazed at the number of calories that I burned treading water or just swimming a couple of laps... compared to talking myself into getting on the treadmill for weeks... it flew by.
That is all. Tomorrow I find out from my doctor if I'm a candidate to be put back onto ADHD medication. I've decided... now is the time. I've let two jobs slip past my fingers because I struggled to focus- but no more. I will blow people away at the commitment that I have to my job. I will succeed. And still, with my first bonus check- whenever that may come... I will buy my first Coach purse.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Today is the day
I'm not sitting around waiting for things to happen anymore. Today I reconnected with my sorority sister, one very strong and amazing woman... Who is now a personal trainer. I know her well... She was my little sis. I'm already comfortable with her, so now to go back and fill her in on how my life has come unraveled so I can move forward.
I know it won't be easy but I'm ready to start a new chapter... Its time.
I'm the 8th dwarf.... Mopey
or would it be Moapy? Walks around with his head down, long sleeves pulled down over his hands and a slight bluish cast to his skin.... yep, that's me.
I'm just getting up, after approximately 10 hours of sleep. I'm exhausted and I'm depressed. The cats have been pestering me for about 3 hours, Tigger has gone flying through the air at least a dozen times... I just want to be left alone. I even ignored my dad's wake up call this morning. He of course called back and I answered- but I just want to crawl into a hole sometimes...
I'm sick of being single, yes it's true... but I'm more sick of being reminded that I'm alone- unintentionally of course. Date night's posted on Facebook, weddings, family road trips.... what am I to do- post about how comfortable my couch is and how I'm glad my DVR never fails me? No, no date night... I just picked up a pack of breadsticks from Hotbox and I'm gonna go to town. Just me. I ate the whole bag... and then I had a bowl of cereal.
I'm sick of feeling like this. I think it's time to call the doctor and see what I can start taking. Since Chantix has now been linked to a higher chance of heart attacks, I think I'm going to try Wellbutrin. It worked wonders while I was in college. I'm also going to talk to her about getting back on Concerta. I need to be able to stay focused at work. I love my job and am willing to do anything it takes to be sure that I stay there. (Plus, the combination really did wonders for my diet, the pounds started melting off)
It's time.
I'm just getting up, after approximately 10 hours of sleep. I'm exhausted and I'm depressed. The cats have been pestering me for about 3 hours, Tigger has gone flying through the air at least a dozen times... I just want to be left alone. I even ignored my dad's wake up call this morning. He of course called back and I answered- but I just want to crawl into a hole sometimes...
I'm sick of being single, yes it's true... but I'm more sick of being reminded that I'm alone- unintentionally of course. Date night's posted on Facebook, weddings, family road trips.... what am I to do- post about how comfortable my couch is and how I'm glad my DVR never fails me? No, no date night... I just picked up a pack of breadsticks from Hotbox and I'm gonna go to town. Just me. I ate the whole bag... and then I had a bowl of cereal.
I'm sick of feeling like this. I think it's time to call the doctor and see what I can start taking. Since Chantix has now been linked to a higher chance of heart attacks, I think I'm going to try Wellbutrin. It worked wonders while I was in college. I'm also going to talk to her about getting back on Concerta. I need to be able to stay focused at work. I love my job and am willing to do anything it takes to be sure that I stay there. (Plus, the combination really did wonders for my diet, the pounds started melting off)
It's time.
Saturday, July 9, 2011
and another thing... while I'm on a roll
Why is it that the person you MOST want to call you, never does? I'm pretty sure that he doesn't know that this blog exists, so if he read it, I'd be shocked and slightly embarrassed for airing my dirty laundry.... but seriously.
We started talking months ago... fishing... he even asked me out. I got nervous and freaked out, couldn't do it. Wasn't ready. Now that I'm ready, he tells me that after I turned him down, he gave up on dating, whether or not that is the truth has not been proven. He's successful, works hard, he's funny, attractive...
I kinda like him- though we haven't met... we've been chatting, texting, for like 6 months... I'm totally ready to meet him, date him, see where it goes, and I get blown off. It's like he did it on purpose to teach me a lesson... and it totally sucks. I've been depressed for 3 days... and worse- I've been staring at my phone... watching it not ring, not receive a text, nothing. I keep turning it off, removing the battery and turning it back on, hoping that I've had some sort of lapse in service... no luck. I'm pathetic.
We started talking months ago... fishing... he even asked me out. I got nervous and freaked out, couldn't do it. Wasn't ready. Now that I'm ready, he tells me that after I turned him down, he gave up on dating, whether or not that is the truth has not been proven. He's successful, works hard, he's funny, attractive...
I kinda like him- though we haven't met... we've been chatting, texting, for like 6 months... I'm totally ready to meet him, date him, see where it goes, and I get blown off. It's like he did it on purpose to teach me a lesson... and it totally sucks. I've been depressed for 3 days... and worse- I've been staring at my phone... watching it not ring, not receive a text, nothing. I keep turning it off, removing the battery and turning it back on, hoping that I've had some sort of lapse in service... no luck. I'm pathetic.
Leave me alone, I'm lonely
What is it about online dating that is like a drug? I am completely addicted. I love the mystery of "is he, isn't he" the one... and so far, all signs point to no. I've developed a few crushes- put myself out there and get burned every time. I can't say what the last movie I went to in the theater... I think it's coming up on a year... Sitting in a restaurant with someone smiling back at you from the other side- other than a girlfriend of mine... I'm just sick of it. I want someone to spend time with. I don't have to be engaged in 6 months. I don't even expect to be engaged in a year... Yes, I'd like to be married before I'm 35- maybe a kid before I'm too old to start freaking out about my biological clock... (which I already hear ticking in my ear every day) It's depressing. I don't understand why people can judge me before they know me. I don't like that screen names like, "Ilikebigwomen" are the ones that message me. I'm not proud of the weight I've packed on. I'm not proud that that is all I obsess about and worry about... and I'm certainly not happy about the fact that I can't get the motivation to get off my ass because I'm depressed about being alone. I'm in this terrible downward spiral and I can't get out. I know I need help, but I don't know where to turn. I keep telling myself, if I could get rid of this part of me.... then I know I'd be more confident to go to the gym without being paranoid that everyone is staring at me. It's all excuses.
I'm happy on the outside but crying out for help on the inside and too ashamed to admit it- well, not too scared to blog about it I suppose...
I hear these songs:
Almost Lover
Goodbye my almost lover
Goodbye my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache.
Almost lovers always do
And of course....
PINK: Leave Me Alone (I'm Lonely)
Tonight
Go away
Give me a chance to miss you
Leave me alone I'm lonely
Alone I'm lonely
Say goodbye
It'll make me want to kiss you
I'm tired
Go away
Give me a chance to miss you
Leave me alone I'm lonely
Alone I'm lonely
I am lonely. I admit it. I don't want it to be confused with desperate. I still have expectations... I have a quality of a person that I want to be with. Employed; Drug-Free; Not married or separated; Ideally- for selfish reasons, and to avoid arguments with my mother, I'd like him to be Catholic, but that is not a necessity... we can work on that later. I don't mind if he's been divorced, I'm seeing that the pool of single, non-divorced men without children is getting more and more scarce. It's like animals in the Sahara desert looking for water... everyone is going after the same thing. I don't mind if he's already got children... hopefully there's no baby-mama drama... and he's got to want to have kids with me. Just because he's had them already doesn't mean that I don't get the chance to start. I pray that God will bring this person into my life... in some form. I'd like him to like sports, because I want to like sports more than I do. I'd like him to be a non-smoker... because I want to be a non-smoker and could use the support. I'd like him to be attractive (not putting a paper bag on his head for the next 50 years) Come on, is this list of demands too much? Above all, I want him to respect me. Communicate his feelings. Love me and treat me well. I deserve it. I will do the same, with every ounce of my being.
And please, no crazy demands.... I'm a normal person. I hate panty hose and will never wear them for a man. It's sick. Now, I feel like this blog needs to be my personal ad, titled, NO FREAKS.... PLEASE! I'm accepting blind date set-ups. Get a move on people... I turn 31 in a month! I'm not getting any younger.
I'm happy on the outside but crying out for help on the inside and too ashamed to admit it- well, not too scared to blog about it I suppose...
I hear these songs:
Almost Lover
Goodbye my almost lover
Goodbye my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache.
Almost lovers always do
And of course....
PINK: Leave Me Alone (I'm Lonely)
Tonight
Go away
Give me a chance to miss you
Leave me alone I'm lonely
Alone I'm lonely
Say goodbye
It'll make me want to kiss you
I'm tired
Go away
Give me a chance to miss you
Leave me alone I'm lonely
Alone I'm lonely
I am lonely. I admit it. I don't want it to be confused with desperate. I still have expectations... I have a quality of a person that I want to be with. Employed; Drug-Free; Not married or separated; Ideally- for selfish reasons, and to avoid arguments with my mother, I'd like him to be Catholic, but that is not a necessity... we can work on that later. I don't mind if he's been divorced, I'm seeing that the pool of single, non-divorced men without children is getting more and more scarce. It's like animals in the Sahara desert looking for water... everyone is going after the same thing. I don't mind if he's already got children... hopefully there's no baby-mama drama... and he's got to want to have kids with me. Just because he's had them already doesn't mean that I don't get the chance to start. I pray that God will bring this person into my life... in some form. I'd like him to like sports, because I want to like sports more than I do. I'd like him to be a non-smoker... because I want to be a non-smoker and could use the support. I'd like him to be attractive (not putting a paper bag on his head for the next 50 years) Come on, is this list of demands too much? Above all, I want him to respect me. Communicate his feelings. Love me and treat me well. I deserve it. I will do the same, with every ounce of my being.
And please, no crazy demands.... I'm a normal person. I hate panty hose and will never wear them for a man. It's sick. Now, I feel like this blog needs to be my personal ad, titled, NO FREAKS.... PLEASE! I'm accepting blind date set-ups. Get a move on people... I turn 31 in a month! I'm not getting any younger.
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