Leave me alone, I'm lonely

What is it about online dating that is like a drug? I am completely addicted. I love the mystery of "is he, isn't he" the one... and so far, all signs point to no. I've developed a few crushes- put myself out there and get burned every time. I can't say what the last movie I went to in the theater... I think it's coming up on a year... Sitting in a restaurant with someone smiling back at you from the other side- other than a girlfriend of mine... I'm just sick of it. I want someone to spend time with. I don't have to be engaged in 6 months. I don't even expect to be engaged in a year... Yes, I'd like to be married before I'm 35- maybe a kid before I'm too old to start freaking out about my biological clock... (which I already hear ticking in my ear every day) It's depressing. I don't understand why people can judge me before they know me. I don't like that screen names like, "Ilikebigwomen" are the ones that message me. I'm not proud of the weight I've packed on. I'm not proud that that is all I obsess about and worry about... and I'm certainly not happy about the fact that I can't get the motivation to get off my ass because I'm depressed about being alone. I'm in this terrible downward spiral and I can't get out. I know I need help, but I don't know where to turn. I keep telling myself, if I could get rid of this part of me.... then I know I'd be more confident to go to the gym without being paranoid that everyone is staring at me. It's all excuses.
I'm happy on the outside but crying out for help on the inside and too ashamed to admit it- well, not too scared to blog about it I suppose...
I hear these songs:
Almost Lover
Goodbye my almost lover
Goodbye my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?

So long my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache.
Almost lovers always do

And of course....
PINK: Leave Me Alone (I'm Lonely)
Tonight
Go away
Give me a chance to miss you
Leave me alone I'm lonely
Alone I'm lonely
Say goodbye
It'll make me want to kiss you
I'm tired
Go away
Give me a chance to miss you
Leave me alone I'm lonely
Alone I'm lonely

I am lonely. I admit it. I don't want it to be confused with desperate. I still have expectations... I have a quality of a person that I want to be with. Employed; Drug-Free; Not married or separated; Ideally- for selfish reasons, and to avoid arguments with my mother, I'd like him to be Catholic, but that is not a necessity... we can work on that later. I don't mind if he's been divorced, I'm seeing that the pool of single, non-divorced men without children is getting more and more scarce. It's like animals in the Sahara desert looking for water... everyone is going after the same thing. I don't mind if he's already got children... hopefully there's no baby-mama drama... and he's got to want to have kids with me. Just because he's had them already doesn't mean that I don't get the chance to start. I pray that God will bring this person into my life... in some form. I'd like him to like sports, because I want to like sports more than I do. I'd like him to be a non-smoker... because I want to be a non-smoker and could use the support. I'd like him to be attractive (not putting a paper bag on his head for the next 50 years) Come on, is this list of demands too much? Above all, I want him to respect me. Communicate his feelings. Love me and treat me well. I deserve it. I will do the same, with every ounce of my being.
And please, no crazy demands.... I'm a normal person. I hate panty hose and will never wear them for a man. It's sick. Now, I feel like this blog needs to be my personal ad, titled, NO FREAKS.... PLEASE! I'm accepting blind date set-ups. Get a move on people... I turn 31 in a month! I'm not getting any younger.