Well, I guess I should have ended my last blog with the title of this one. It's been a crazy couple of weeks, to say the least.
Quick recap... My new schedule started at work. No more coming home at 11pm... thank goodness! I love the new schedule. I can still sleep in, and get home before the sun sets. It's great. Because I have more time in the evenings, I started working out again. Really, really serious this time. I hung a TV over my treadmill, I have the tools, I've got to put in the time. I even hired a trainer, more to come on that. So it's a slow process. I rationed out all the snacks in the house, individual baggies- cereal, chips, you name it. I've started paying attention to what I eat, and realizing that frozen Lean Cuisine meals aren't so bad to take to work (all the calorie counting is done already, so makes my job easy).
I'm sweating my ass off to Just Dance, Just Dance vol 2, Wii Fit and Wii Sports. Progress being made, but I'm committed to be in this for the long haul.
I struggled again the end of the month of July at work. I can say I gave it 100% effort, but it just wasn't enough to meet my goals for the month and once again I found myself on the chopping block. It's not a fun place to be. It screwed with my head, stomach, and my heart. I love my job. I ended up making a very, very hard decision-- to cancel my vacation that I'd been patiently waiting on and reschedule it at another time, when work wasn't so hectic.
I met with my therapist for the first time. I'm going to an amazing center and seeing a therapist that I know will change my life.
Then on the 24th of July, I received devastating news. Back it up a few moments. I was working out. I had my phone on the couch and didn't hear it ring, so when I checked it at 1:30am, and saw that an hour before that, I'd missed a call from Home, I began to freak out a little bit. I called Home and spoke to my father, who wasn't asleep and probably hadn't been since he'd called me. My ex contacted them about the same time that he called me. He asked them to have me call him at his mother's house. His brother was dead. Of course, I don't have a heart of ice. I took down the number, blocked mine and called him. I was shaking. The adrenaline was rushing through my veins. I was scared. I hadn't spoken to him since March. His mom answered and thanked me for calling. She handed the phone to him and he started to cry. Any life lost is difficult to deal with. He was a troubled, intelligent and kind hearted person. He, thus far, was as close to an "almost brother-in-law" that I've had. I cried. I apologized. I didn't know what to say. He left behind a mother, brother, wife, two children and a strong group of amazing friends.
Since the news, the cancelled vacation, the therapy, the personal trainer, the workouts.... I've lost 12.5 lbs. I officially started keeping track on the 22nd of July. I try not to crowd the scales throughout the week, but I get antsy and want to see results. I will be measuring my body once a month. When I measured my waist on the 22nd.... it was a little hard to see- but two weeks in, I cheated and got the tape out- I've lost 2 inches. Just little steps like that keep me motivated when I really want to reach for the Soda or Chocolate. Which reminds me... I'm down to MAYBE one or two cans of DIET pop.... I'm drinking bottled water (with Crystal Light) and I'm enjoying it. I even made (and failed) Iced Tea.... I didn't drink it, but it sat in my fridge for 2 weeks before going down the drain... I had a glass of it, but I've gotta do one thing at a time- though the tea would be an excellent replacement for caffeine.
I'm also reading a new book which is helping me learn about who I am and why I feel crazy some days... it's called Codependent No More. I encourage everyone to at least read it. I'm diving in head first, doing all the activities at the end of chapters and really learning a lot from this book. I am Codependent. I gravitate towards people that aren't perfect (not that anyone is perfect) I try to fix them. I let their life consume my life and I now can say that I understand why I was so angry that my ex took my sparkle. I'd let my sparkle go out years ago when I let his problems consume my life and forgot about my own issues. I keep reading it wondering when I became so screwed up... I feel crazy, but I feel hopeful, too.
Now, I'm 7 days away from my birthday. 3 days away from the day when the shit storm happened.... and I can feel that I'm not far from being happy again. I'm going in the right direction. Positive changes. Baby steps. New chapters. Bring.It.On.
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