So... I've felt this rush of emotions starting to boil up for a while. I knew sooner or later I'd explode with tears and overwhelming sadness, like I always do. Today, it started to trickle out. I just feel lost, alone and sad.
I can't believe its been a year. A year ago, I was annoyed by him. Now, he's completely out of my life. I didn't think this would ever happen. I didn't think I'd be alone. I know that I'm not ready to NOT be alone, but I just really never thought that my life would be like this.
I know we never know how things are going to turn out... and I wouldn't want to know, but a little guidance along the way never hurt anyone. Why can't I at least get that. A little nudge to let me know I'm on the right track. I feel like I'm on the right track in my gut. But I second guess and doubt myself too much for my own good.
I started thinking about birthdays... how they were always celebrated BIG as a kid. Of course, over the years its dwindled down... last year, though disastrous, I had a pretty great day with my friends and my family. My mom, God bless her, is making it more difficult though she's trying so hard to help. She knows that my schedule is a little funky this month. I'm off this weekend, but they're going to a family reunion in Michigan. I work next weekend, but I'm off on Friday, but she'll be watching my cousins after school while their mom teaches. It's just a mess. She keeps asking if she can send me my gift, and I keep saying no, her sending it is just driving home the fact that I'll be alone on my birthday and that makes me sad. I don't have single, available friends to go out to dinner, on a Wednesday, with me for my birthday. I have to work until 8:30. I'm sure I'll come home to two obnoxious and annoying kitties. Everybody has jobs, kids, families, lives.
Reading this Codependent book, I'm realizing that the way that I feel this way is because I want everyone to know that I feel like this, without having to say it. I expect everyone to know what to do, without sharing it with anyone. I haven't been the best friend to these people that I'm expecting to drop everything... years ago, I'd drop everything and go to them regardless of what I had going on. I remember I left work one day and took a 3 hour lunch because a really close friend had experienced a traumatic breakup and didn't want to be alone.
I remember all these things, but I can't honestly say that I've done a bit of anything for anyone like this, for at least the past year, if not more. Does that make me a bad person or a bad friend, absolutely not... but how I can I rightfully expect anyone to drop anything for me when I haven't done the same for them.
I'm sick of feeling alone, when in reality I have some of the most amazing people in my life. I'm sick of feeling defeated, when I've proven myself to be successful and accomplished... I just can't get my head around these feelings and emotions.
Guess it's a good thing I have a therapy appt tomorrow. I need him to get in my head and fix me.
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