anxiety

after several months of being content with life, giving up on finding love at this point in my life, and trying to move on in the best way i know, i felt true, honest, painful anxiety today... he wants to come visit when he moves back to town. moves back to town. 4 1/2 years of seeing him almost every day, and now after 14 months, i don't care a bit to see him. yet, i'm struggling to tell him the truth.
communication is key when it comes to making a relationship work. these are things i could never say, but wished for 4 1/2 years that i could.
1: i don't like it when you talk to other women behind my back because it makes me feel threatened.
2: yes. i am the jealous type. deal with it.
3: no, i will not loan you $20
4: repeat #3 about 700 times
5: gas is too expensive to go out and just drive for hours. get a job, buy your own gas. till then, park the car, turn it off and get your ass inside.
6: why are you hurting your mother so much
7: why are you hurting me so much
8: why do you hate my family
9: please stop borrowing my debit card without asking unless you plan to replace every dime you took
10: get a job

now, this may look like i was quite the pushover... i was. we do stupid, stupid things when we think we're in love. did i love him. yes. should i have fallen for him. no. do i hate him. no- and i can't figure out why i can't say yes to that question. after all he did, i should hate him. i should curse his name. i don't wish him dead. i don't wish anything bad upon him. i'm not in love with him. i'm not in love with him. i'm not in love with him. i'm not in love with him. i'm not.

why is it so easy to be honest to everyone but yourself... i tell everyone how scared i am. this is true.
i told him (months ago) that i wouldn't mind seeing him... when the thought of him coming to indiana was merely a thought, a dream, a glimpse into what he wants to do... there were so many thoughts over the years, that until i see something happen, i don't believe it to be true- so yes, when i said i'd think about having lunch with him- it was me talking, because i didn't think it would happen. he is coming in 48 hours and i feel like i'm going to be physically ill. i want to board the cats, lock the place up, close all my windows and hide like a coward.
why can't i be brave? why can't i put up a good fight. why must i always bend to him- when he did nothing to bend for me.

why is this so difficult.