angry and ashamed

I make plenty of mistakes and I own them all. I'm not perfect and I don't try to be. I'm relatively happy. I can slap a smile on my face and fake-it-till-I-make-it any day of the week. I love my job. I cry (a lot). I love to laugh and I love hugs.
I'm single. I'm sad. I'm ready to move the f*ck on with my life. I'm lost. What is so wrong with me that no one is interested in me?
I've healed. I've had my weak moments. I've dated idiot after idiot. I've learned what I don't want in my life. I've learned what I won't put up with. I've accepted that the qualities that I'm looking for aren't found in every man.
Why does the biggest idiot in the world, who made my life HELL.... get to move on and be happy? I'm sure it looks nice on the outside, and I'm sure she's insecure, weak, vulnerable, lacking self confidence, and willing to put up with bullshit because she doesn't know any better (man- I've come a long way to be able to say that I was all these things from 2006-2010)
I had a feeling a while ago... the feeling that has proven me right MANY times without prior knowledge- I've predicted pregnancies and exes with new relationships.... in my gut, I feel that he is engaged to the 18 year-old idiot. When he was in crisis last year, he told me things about this woman- the lies, the anger and the drama that she unleashed on him within 4 days of knowing each other.
He professed his love to me again, begged to be back in my life. When I denied all these things, he grew upset and decided that he couldn't have me in his life if I wouldn't commit myself back to him.
I would never, ever choose to be with someone who made me feel the way that he did. Were there happy times, yes. Did those happy times outweigh the misery and abuse- absolutely not.

I still panic when I see a shit-brown pick-up truck or an Arkansas license plate. I know that he's got ties to Indiana. I wish that his business with my father was done and that he no longer had ties to Indiana. I wish I knew in my heart AND in my gut that I would never see him again, but the truth is, he knows where I live. He knows where my family lives. He could come here any time he wanted to. Thank God he doesn't know where I work. Looks like I'll be back to sleepless nights while I get this asshole out of my head again. 

I want to force him out of my mind and heart forever. I want to find someone, be happy, and never worry about the years of turmoil that have wreaked havoc on my life after this ridiculous break-up.
I wish the relationship never happened.
I wonder where my life would be if I never would have met him, or if I had the self-esteem that I was lacking when I craved his attention and craved to have someone love me.

It's annoying, embarrassing, and I'm ashamed to admit these things... but admitting my shortcomings has helped me heal and move on up until this point- might as well keep going on this path and hope that the cycle ends, so that I can continue to heal, grow, and move forward.